Controversy surrounds unofficial beauty pageant held this weekend at Kagawa Sushi Bar

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Ernie Boch, Jr. is in the hot seat yet again, this time for hosting what appears to be a false Miss Massachusetts beauty pageant in an attempt to pick up girls.

Boch, who is the CEO, president and spokesman of Boch Enterprises, is the son of the late car czar, Ernie Boch, Sr., as well as the frontman of Ernie and the Automatics, the groundbreaking blues rock band, which features two former members of the multi-platinum selling band Boston.

According to eyewitnesses who were in attendance, a beauty pageant was held by Boch at the Kagawa Sushi Bar in Quincy Center, under the guise of the official 2010 Miss Massachusetts USA State Pageant.

"I knew something was wrong right from the start," said Joaquin Sacramento, of Squantum, who provided sound effects for the event. "I'm not sure how, but I knew. Maybe it's because the whole thing took place at a sushi bar. Or maybe it's because almost all of the signs were handwritten in Boch's unmistakable scrawl. But I like to think it's because of my keen detective skills, which allow almost no detail to go by unnoticed. Trust me, if there's something amiss, I always catch it."

It was later revealed that Sacramento's wife of over thirty years has been having an ongoing affair with his own brother since the summer of 1986.

Taking the advice of his attorneys, Boch offered no comment on the allegations against him, however, found himself unable to hold back both smirks and giggles whenever somebody made direct eye contact with him.

As the beautiful and talented contestants lined up to make acceptance speeches for awards that did not exist, Boch made his getaway through a secret escape hatch in Kagawa's backroom, where he was apprehended shortly after by responding officer John Steele and arrested for impersonating a pageant host.

Boch is currently being held on $500 bail, which he has so far been unable to post.

If convicted, he could serve up to three years as a used car salesman at a competitor's dealership of his choosing.

What is the real story behind the free television set found this weekend on Putnam Street?

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of a cell phone in Merrymount

A free television set was found on Putnam Street over the weekend, causing many residents of the area to wonder what might be wrong with it.

The impressive 20" RCA television set was found by local man-about-town, Stanley Rhubarb, who, after staring at it for nearly an hour, decided that it must be too good to be true, causing him to immediately alert media sources regarding the situation before darting off into the patch of wilderness behind Central Middle School.

"The sign says that the TV is free," Rhubarb told reporters. "But why?"

Rhubarb then went on to describe in great detail several theories he had, each of them more mind-blowing than the last.

He was then sedated by a nearby doctor, who, after a series of very specific medical questions, finally admitted that he was "not technically a doctor."

It remains unclear at this time as to where this man went, although some have speculated that he, too, darted off towards the patch of wilderness behind Central, where he was then given a black leather jacket and raised by Del Tufos.

"There's no such thing as a free TV," Rhubarb added, as he casually looked over his right shoulder. "If these people think I'm gonna lug this thing all the way to my apartment and plug it in, they got another thing comin'. Stanley Rhubarb may not be the brightest bulb in the bucket, but at least I know what time it is."

At this point, there is no further information known regarding this mysterious television set, nor are the circumstances from which it came about known.

Rainy weather washes away city's dirty little secrets, but not quite all of them

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of a cell phone in Wollaston

High winds and incessant rainfall continued to plague the Granite City this morning, washing away its dirty little secrets, leaving behind nothing but a small handful of miscellaneous items, such as heroin needles and empty nips of cheap vodka.

Seriously, though, stop doing fucking heroin. It's getting ridiculous!

Broken-down privileged bitch waits over thirty minutes for tow, demands answers

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Gas up your tow trucks, keep your phone lines open, and clear the roads, because when Tina Driscoll's car breaks down, it's everybody's problem.

Breaking down on Adams Street early yesterday afternoon, Driscoll made a call to Blue Hills Towing, of West Quincy, demanding prompt and professional service.

An only child, Driscoll is no stranger to expecting things on time or early.

From the lighting in Baxter's Pharmacy to the temperature in the National Amusements theatre in Randolph, almost nothing seems to go Driscoll's way, often times ending with a long list of verbal and written complaints, which almost always go ignored.

Driscoll, a former runner-up for Quincy High School's Class of '93 prom queen, currently works as an assistant manager at the Dress Barn on Granite Street.

But as the minutes passed on, nobody came, leaving Driscoll with nothing to do but sit on the front bumper of her 1996 Ford Mustang and call friends to complain.

After approximately 35 minutes, tow truck driver Jared Armstrong arrived, ready and willing to assist Driscoll in all of her roadside needs.

Armstrong was last in the news after a Gorilla Biscuits t-shirt caused several Wollaston youths to mistake him for a woman, ending in one of the most awkward rape scenes this city has ever seen.

"That's a fucking decent breakdown," remarked Armstrong, who then got Driscoll's vehicle started with a set of jumper cables and a side dish of elbow grease.

Starting her impressive 3.8 liter engine and darting down Adams Street at the daring speed of 46 miles-per-hour, Driscoll casually flipped Armstrong off, angered by his inability to provide her the sense of self-worth she has sought after for so long.

As for what the future holds for Tina Driscoll, no one can be sure.

We can only assume that she will spend the entire weekend in dirtbag bars, dancing with boys who are barely of age, wasting all of her money on mixed shots with clever names, high stakes, and dangerous consequences.

Elderly man celebrates 100th birthday by dying

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Joe Montenegro isn't your typical elderly Italian man. In fact, he's no longer even a man. By now, he's nothing more than a rancid, rotting corpse, buried six feet underground, right where he fucking belongs.

Suffering a massive coronary while picking flowers behind Roxie's Market, Montenegro was pronounced dead at 8:37am this morning at Quincy Medical Center.

Montenegro turned 100-years-old today, finally fulfilling his lifelong dream.

Neighbors remember Montenegro as the type of guy you could count on, some even going as far as to say that he was a kind and gentle man.

Montenegro, whose last name is pronounced exactly as it appears, was a veteran of the Second World War, receiving an honorable discharge after sustaining a shrapnel injury to his left leg. An injury that would plague him until his dying day.

In the early mornings, Montenegro would take long walks on Southern Artery, waving to the morning commuters as they passed.

In the afternoons, he would eat hot dogs and stare at people from a bench.

After sunset, however, he would stay in and watch VHS porn at an ear-splitting volume, all while housing staff and orderlies struggled to get past the seven deadbolts on the door to his Brackett Street assisted living home.

"Joe was a great guy," remarked Ronaldo Sanchez, who works as a janitor in Montenegro's apartment complex. "People just weren't able to get passed his habits after dark, that's all. It was just too much for some people to handle. Sometimes, when he was in there doing his thing, he would scream at the top of his lungs. Other times, he would end up squeezing his penis so hard that he would be hospitalized for weeks. I mean, don't get me wrong, I loved the guy like a father, and I was sad to see him go, but, when it comes down to it, I'm glad he's dead."

Montenegro is survived by his two daughters, Marie and Isabella, as well as sixteen granddaughters, a mentally disabled cousin, and his barber, Roy.

Local man goes on frantic search for Internet

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

A Whitman resident known only as No-Internet Andy has just put in for his two-week vacation, claiming that he will not rest until he has found the Internet.

Holding a "members only" press conference in the Monponsett section of Hanson, No-Internet Andy vowed to reporters that he would soon find the Internet and harness all of it's uncanny power.

Claiming to have never once actually come into contact with the Internet, No-Internet Andy spoke quite fondly of the global system of networks, claiming the desire to overcome his no-Internet status has given him a new purpose in life.

The search was preempted by a stop at a local corner store to buy $15 worth of protein bars and twelve cartons of Muscle Milk, which No-Internet Andy believed would help him immensely in his quest.

Loading a sleeping bag, three hundred yards of highly resilient nylon rope, and a flashlight into the back of his truck, No-Internet Andy performed a final check on the air pressure of his tires before waving goodbye to no one in particular.

"Farewell," he said, as he peeled off at the smooth crawl of a wounded mongoose. "I shall find the Internet and bring it back to my hometown of Whitman. And when I return, we shall all be instant millionaires. From the hungry locals at Venus Cafe, to the lonely Keno players at the Office, we shall all embrace the Internet, making each and every website we visit our own."

Having made it only six feet from his original starting point, all four tires of his 1976 Jeep Cherokee then exploded due to massive over-inflation, causing him to spin wildly out of control, colliding with a newlywed couple on a tandem bicycle.

"Don't wait for me," No-Internet Andy could be heard saying, as the Whitman Police carelessly tossed him into backseat of a cruiser.

No-Internet Andy will be charged with two counts of driving to endanger.

In accordance with new South Shore law, he will be arraigned tomorrow morning at Quincy District Court, where it is expected he will then be introduced to the Internet via the Norfolk County Correctional Center in Dedham.

Man who won two free Friendly’s Fribble® shakes has sketchy past, reports say

Article by Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

A 25-year-old South Quincy man who called local newspapers after winning two free Fribble® shakes from Friendly’s was later revealed to have a history of fraud.

The man, Jaime “Haircut” McGoo, alerted the media yesterday after claiming he won a free Fribble® shake at the Friendly’s Ice Cream parlor in Wollaston by correctly naming the artist playing over the restaurant’s radio station.

According to McGoo, the group in question was C+C Music Factory.

Amazingly, McGoo then contacted the media again to declare that he had won a second Fribble® shake in the same contest by correctly guessing that only one employee of the establishment had understood the movie Mulholland Drive.

Holes in the story began to appear almost immediately after Friendly’s manager Richard Angry was reached by phone.

Angry repeatedly denied the existence of any such contests and claimed that a person matching McGoo’s description was escorted out of the restaurant with “extreme force” for stealing bananas from a freezer.

This is not the first time McGoo has been in the news.

In 2002, McGoo, who then went by the name Awesome Lemieux, was arrested after claiming to have found former President Ronald Reagan’s corpse buried in Wollaston Beach, using a pair of X-ray sunglasses.

In 2000, he was reprimanded for using an expired Thomas Crane Public Library card to fake his way into getting an elderly discount on an infamous Newcomb Farms “Early Bird” special.

McGoo also has multiple, longstanding lawsuits against the owners of the Norwood-based New England Comics for “psychological damages” after reading a stolen issue of “The Death of Superman.”

Predator seeks exploratory committee for possible run in 2010 Massachusetts Gubernatorial Election

Article by Beak Wilder and Heather Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Just when you thought it was safe to talk politics in Massachusetts, a fucking alien assassin with infrared vision decides to run for governor.

Predator, who is perhaps best-known for his groundbreaking, eponymous action film, has long since been involved in behind-the-scenes politics, having privately endorsed George W. Bush in both elections, and most recently, donated the maximum amount allowed into John McCain's failed presidential campaign.

Predator, whose birth name is Fred Calloway, announced his interest in the upcoming election yesterday afternoon, during a last-minute press conference in the fire damaged section of the Quincy Center strip.

Interested and uninterested parties alike gathered amongst the charred remnants of Taso's Pizza to listen to the Predator's mind-numbing 90-minute speech, in which he declared that he would shamelessly ride the coattails of fellow co-stars-turned-politicians, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Jesse "The Body" Ventura.

But, if the Predator is elected, what would that mean for the Bay State?

Some say that the Predator would work tirelessly at repairing Legislative-Executive relations. Others say that he would simply destroy us all.

"This is just absurd," remarked Wolf Sheppard, an out-of-work news anchor who occasionally moonlights as a waiter at Grumpy White's. "There's no way around it, the Predator is making a run for governor because he has already seen two idiots from his first film move on to become political figures. But what are his qualifications? Do we really want a governor who's going to be running around this state with a plasma weapon and a mouth that looks like a mix between an eagle talon and a grizzly bear's vagina? I'm not sure about you, but that just seems unnecessary. The guy never even went to high school, for Christ's sake, nevermind college. If you ask me, the Predator is unfit to lead."

Sheppard's body was then tossed an amazing thirty-seven feet into the glass face of the Good Health Natural Food store, where a massive chest wound the size of a beach ball then appeared in the area that used to be his chest.

"Want some candy?" asked a strange, distorted voice from the rooftops.

Both incidents were deemed to be "unrelated" by an Officer Nico Haylen, who, after sneaking several nips of Jameson, urinated himself in a nearby alley.

As of now, Predator has yet to officially declare his candidacy in the upcoming gubernatorial race, although expert analysts predict that he will do so before the end of the month, as it is a well-known fact that all extraterrestrial life forms prefer to make things official before month-end closing.

Gays allowed in Quincy churches? Wait, really?

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of a cell phone in Quincy Center

In a shocking turn of events, it appears that gays are not only allowed to walk past churches these days, but are also allowed to go inside them.

Gays, who are known for the hit songs, "Y.M.C.A." and "We are the Champions," have long since been the subject of public misunderstanding, yet critically acclaimed by fancy New York big shots for their ability to outdo almost anyone when it comes to making a giant fucking spectacle of themselves.

This recent discovery has both supporters and detractors of homosexuality voicing their opinions, but none more than those of the Catholic Church, who, historically speaking, have been known to get worked up over pretty much anything.

Reverend Sherman Beaudoin of the St. John the Baptist Parish in Quincy Point expressed disapproval at the discovery, blaming gays for almost everything.

"The Bible condemns homosexuality," Beaudoin said. "For a church to condone it is a most disgraceful act, but to embrace it is even worse. If these churches had any idea what gays were capable of, maybe they would reconsider their position on this. By constantly falling for fake links on the World Wide Web, I have seen far more than I have bargained for, although I have no intentions of describing what it is I have seen. But take my word for it, it was utterly abominable."

Unable to cope with the thought of what actually goes on behind the closed doors of gay men, Beaudoin then casually tossed himself in front of a speeding 221 bus, causing his body to explode like a watermelon after a thirty story fall.

But not all residents agree with Beaudoin, some even speaking out in favor of gays.

"Who cares if gays go to church?" remarked Mark "The Big Deal" Harmonico, a Montclair resident who owns a small dog and season tickets to the Red Sox. "Let those little bastards come if they want. What are people afraid of, that they're gonna dress better than us, teach us some sweet dance moves, and befriend our wives?"

Harmonico then performed a series of hand gestures and shoulder shrugs, each further confirming that he couldn't care less about gays in churches.

"It don't matter to me," Harmonico added. "Gays are just like regular people."

Harmonico then walked off into the general direction of the mythical East Quincy, secretly wondering what man he would go down on if he absolutely had to. After approximately thirty seconds of deliberation, he settled on Orlando Bloom and went about his day, somewhat less confident that he, too, was not gay.

Illegal aliens celebrate passing of health care reform with record-breaking Corona sales

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Illegal aliens throughout the city are celebrating the passing of President Obama's health care reform, which will provide universal health insurance for all of America, regardless of race, sex, religion, or legal status.

This new bill will provide health insurance to even illegal immigrants, thus rendering the term "illegal" fairly meaningless.

All throughout the South Shore, the strange celebratory traditions of Mexicans can be seen, from extravagant pig roasts, to mariachi music ensembles, to parades of El Caminos with 13-inch, gold plated, wire spoke wheels.

"This is a proud day for my people," spoke Hernando Jiménez, an illegal immigrant who works part-time salting corn cobs at Murphy's Twin Shamrocks. "If I hurt myself while working under-the-table, I am covered. If I pull a muscle while masturbating to a Salma Hayek movie, I am covered. Even if I just don't feel like working one day and decide go to the emergency room and just sit there, I am covered. And the bill is up to you. It is the taxpayer who will suffer, and I who shall reap the benefits."

Jiménez then dropped his pants and began relieving himself in a nearby mailbox, wiping his dick and balls off with the American flag.

"I love this country," Jiménez added, as he disappeared in a cloud of rice and beans.

But as the dust settles and those who are most effected by this change begin to voice their opinions, it appears that opposition is far from absent.

"There's no such thing as free health care," barked Roger Snapcase, a self-proclaimed "hardworking man" from South Quincy. "At some point, somebody has to pay. And you know who it's going to be? It's gonna be the hardworking American who's been busting his ass and paying taxes his entire life with nothing to show for it. And for what, so some lazy piece of shit who doesn't even belong here can get the same benefits as me? Fuck that shit. We didn't win the war at Alamo so this shit could happen. Free health care is a bunch of bullshit. What's Obama gonna try to pull off next, world peace? Go ahead and try it, brother man. But if there's one thing I'm completely sure of, it's that world peace can't be done. It just can't exist."

It was later revealed that the Battle of the Alamo was not actually a war.

Baby puncher arrested in Quincy Police sting operation, shows no signs of regret

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Quincy Police arrested Seymour Chumsford, of Quincy Point, yesterday as part of an intense sting operation, charging him in a recent rash of baby punchings that had been occurring over the past three weeks.

Chumsford, who is no stranger to jail cells, was last in the news only two months ago, when he attempted to blame Toyota's current recall concerns after his mid-nineties Corolla accidentally backed over his wife's face a total of twenty-six times.

The first reports of these baby punchings began in late-February, when Juanita Cabrera, a mother of twelve, called Quincy Police, complaining about a man who approached her in the Walmart parking lot, punching her baby directly in the face.

Two days later, a similar call was placed into Quincy Police headquarters, followed by twelve more throughout the eighteen days that followed.

"This guy wasn't just punching babies," remarked Officer John Steele. "He was punching them as hard as he could. Some of these babies took shots to the face that would knock out a grown man. This guy deserves whatever he gets. In my eleven months as a police officer, this is the most disgusting act I have ever seen."

Speaking against the advice of his court-appointed attorney, Chumsford showed no signs of regret, even reiterating several times that he had no intentions of stopping.

"I will punch them all," Chumsford told reporters. "Every last one of them."

Chumsford then stared directly into the eyes of a nearby jackal, causing it to dart wildly into the street and begin mauling the face of a newborn baby girl.

Chumsford will be arraigned this Monday at Quincy District Court.

First annual Blood for Blood Beach Party shut down by authorities, cancelled indefinitely

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

The city's first annual Blood for Blood Beach Party came to an abrupt end yesterday afternoon, as authorities were called in almost immediately due to multiple injuries, noise complaints, public displays of soullessness, and bare knuckle fistfights.

Blood for Blood, the seminal Boston hardcore band, known for local favorites, such as "Piss All Over Your Hopes and Dreams" and "Paper Gangster," was last in the headlines after several injuries at a benefit show at the United First Parish Church in Quincy Center earned them a three-week ban in the Granite City.

The event, which was intended to go into all hours of the night, had been set up by the mayor's office earlier that day in celebration of the warm weather.

Having initially been unable to attain the services of the band, itself, the city decided to instead start off by playing their celebrated first album, Spit My Last Breath, through Wollaston Beach's brand new Bose speaker system.

This, of course, proved to be "just too intense" for those in attendance to handle.

"The people of Quincy love Blood for Blood," spoke mayoral aide Joe Schlopp, as he soothed an impending shiner with a bag of frozen peas. "If you don't believe me, go visit the Quincy Medical Center emergency room."

All throughout the emergency room waiting area, Quincy residents bled onto the floor, each of them waiting their turn to be stitched up and repaired.

"It was one of Quincy's better beach parties," remarked Officer Nico Haylen, whose unorthodox uniform of camouflage shorts and Blood for Blood shirt told the tale of a man who has very little to hide. "I wish we didn't have to cut it short. If it wasn't for receiving over a thousand complaints in under three minutes, I would have turned my cheek to just about anything. But this job comes with responsibilities, and once in a while, you just can't ignore that. Not that I was able to get much accomplished, anyway. I didn't even have my gun with me. It weighs me down when I'm dancing. No, we had to pull a pretty spicy move for this one. We called the big man, himself. At that point, he was the only one this city would listen to. So, we got Buddha to go up to the Ruth Gordon Amphitheater and address the crowd, urging them to cool off and settle the fuck down. It cost us ten grand just to get him to do it, but who knows how much it saved us in inevitable property damage."

Erick "Buddha" Medina, addressing the angry crowd yesterday evening at the amphitheater.

"As soon as Buddha told the people to go home, the entire city complied," commented DJ Steve Stennehy, who provided record scratches for the event. "I don't think this city will be having any more hardcore-themed beach parties, though. At least not for a while. I think it's pretty obvious that Quincy's not ready to handle something like that. We were flying today, but a little too close to the sun."

As of now, the mayor's office is reporting that the annual Blood for Blood Beach Party festivities have been cancelled indefinitely.

Above average temperatures become cat-alyst for purr-fect beach day for local felines

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Clear skies and summer-like temperatures paved way for a perfect beach day today, especially for local feline, Leo-Hector, who was last in the news after receiving the prestigious 2009 Outstanding Quincy Citizen of the Year award.

Eschewing warnings from local police to “stay the fuck off of the beach” after multiple shark and falcon attacks were reported, Leo-Hector and dozens upon thousands of cats arrived to catch some rays and frolic about.

"Quincy is probably the only city where you'll see more cats on the beach than people," remarked Mayor Thomas Koch, as he struggled to maintain consciousness after an impressive four Reuben sandwiches. "Some of the finest cats in the country can be found here. It's just a beautiful city, and a truly amazing thing to be in complete control of. God, it's fucking nice out right now! This is unbelievable."

Gathering driftwood, the four-legged furballs managed to erect a crude bonfire, which amazed and delighted all who witnessed it’s fiery fury.

With only teen drinkers and a raw sewage spill dampening an otherwise perfect day, the cats relaxed into a state of well-being, far beyond what any mere mortal could ever hope to achieve in our otherwise miserable, pointless lives.

Local funny man found beaten to death at 62

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Henry Blood, a self-proclaimed funny man from Hough's Neck, was found beaten to death behind his Babcock Street home yesterday evening, authorities say.

Blood, who is most renowned for his ongoing gag, in which he pretends to eat a sandwich made out of a cantaloupe and two pieces of white bread, had just celebrated his 62nd birthday only two days prior, and had been getting his yard ready for an "insane barbecue" this upcoming Saturday.

"He had a lot of enemies," said Juanita Garcia-Blood, his wife of nearly thirty years. "He was constantly working on new material. The people in this neighborhood didn't seem to get his jokes. If you ask me, it could have been anyone."

While authorities have promised swift results, there are no leads at this time.

"As of this moment, we have virtually nothing to go on," remarked Officer Curtley Giraffe, a seasoned veteran who has patrolled the streets of Hough's Neck for over a decade. "What we have here is a guy who used to like to crack wise with people, an entire neighborhood that wanted to see him dead, and a murder scene that's so rigged with gags and props that nobody will even go near it."

Taking a moment to regain composure after stepping on a hidden whoopee cushion next to Blood's beaten and mangled corpse, Giraffe continued. "This is insane."

Authorities are asking anyone with information on Blood's murder to please come forward. There are no current rewards being offered at this time.

Hundreds of dollars in damage to Quincy's historic Souther Tide Mill caused by ridiculous storm

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Hundreds of dollars in damage were caused to the Souther Tide Mill on Southern Artery during the past storm, the mayor's office is reporting.

As told, the torrential rain and fierce winds had blown some temporary boarding off the 200-year-old structure, allowing those in the homeless community to penetrate the mill's entrance and once again turn the historic building into a haven of bum sex, binge drinking, gang rape, and puking contests.

"The structure of the mill is still sound," the mayor told reporters.

The mayor then went on to explain a series of tedious and wearisome plans the city has for the mill, which can basically be summed up by saying, "$130,000 in community preservation funds have been approved to make the mill look better."

But what do the hundreds of dollars of new damage to the Souther Tide Mill mean for next year's budget? Some say that it will have little, to no, effect on our daily lives. Others, however, aren't quite so sure.

"I would be inclined to say that this will devastate us financially," spoke Beverly Labia-Smacker, an all-day Craigslist lurker from Germantown, whose ability to forecast future budget concerns is about as good as her ability to marry a man whose last name will not make hers ten times more ridiculous. "Where is the city going to get these funds? Seriously, where? We're talking about over a hundred dollars here. I don't have that right now, do you?"

Labia-Smacker was then knocked unconscious as a passing motorist deliberately threw an unopened can of Campbell's Chunky off the back of her head.

"Hey, Labia-Smacker," the motorist could be heard, as he drifted by at an anxiety-inducing 3 mph. "Why don't you go smack a labia, you fuckin' douche!"

Labia-Smacker was then brought to Quincy Medical Center, where her previous statement of not having over a hundred dollars was discovered to be true, causing doctors to do nothing but stare at her in anger while the back of her head bled at the speed of an upside down gallon of milk.

For more information on the Souther Tide Mill, please call Mayor Thomas Koch.