Jury deadlocked in case of erratic pizza delivery driver Chupacabradapolous

Article by Brunk Edwards / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

It was announced today that a jury of 12 remained deadlocked in the case of an erratic pizza delivery driver who was charged with failing to deliver a single correct order in the span of a year.

The case, The People of Quincy vs. Bip Chupacabradapolous, first went to trial in the fall of last year, after Mr. Chupacabradapolous was citizen’s arrested by members of the Merrymount community on September 20th and brought kicking and screaming to the steps of the Quincy Police headquarters.

He was charged with 4,037 counts of incorrect pizza delivery orders, 1 count of driving with only three wheels on his car, and 1 count of painting his bare feet to look like he was wearing Converse All-Stars.


Chupacabradapolous, moments after installing a couch and wall in the front seat of his car.

Head juror Teddy “The Goddamn Animal” Reilly told reporters that, although the jurors had reached a guilty verdict months ago, their long-held deliberation was the result of the court’s impeccable ability to feed them “pizza pies at any time of the day.”

“Plus, they have On Demand on their TVs!” yelled Reilly, while consuming multiple slices of boiling hot mushroom and green pepper pizza.

Judge Betsy Lollipop gasped in horror at the sight of a Daddy Long Legs spider before returning her attention to reporters questioning the validity of a trial that has consumed local court resources. “This is America, baby," she responded absentmindedly. “Who am I to judge this poor bastard?”

Meanwhile, Mr. Chupacabradapolous valiantly struggled to lift his head off the floor of a long since forgotten jail cell ten stories below sea level, where he has remained without food or water for the duration of the trial.

Coastal flooding creates hostile conditions for residents, some so poor, others so black

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

Coastal flooding and harsh winds have created hostile conditions for many Granite City residents, some of which are so poor and so black.

All night long, flood warnings from the National Weather Service in Taunton have dominated television screens, urging locals to stay inside and wait out the storm.

But who suffers most in these times of troublesome weather?

Is it the otherwise trustworthy weather reporter, who will no doubt be blamed for the destructive winds, hard rain, and damaged property? Or is it the careless neighbor next door, who smokes cigarettes, uses microwave ovens, and refuses to recycle, paving way for events such as this? Top researchers say that it is neither of these, for as usual, it is blacks who will suffer the hardest fate.

"Historically speaking, blacks have had a pretty tough go at things," remarked Dr. Alan Ripple, former head of Quincy College's now-defunct medical department. "From Germantown, to Grafton Street, to the Little Compton section of West Quincy, lower income black families are the ones who will suffer the most. When the Wollaston levees broke, thousands of residents were forced to leave their homes, some of them taking to seek shelter on rooftops until rescue teams could take them safely to Veterans Memorial Field. My heart goes out to these families. I just can't help but to think that this tragedy could have somehow been avoided."

While most residents appear calm at this time, Glenroyal Smoothshave did not.

Smoothshave, a former welterweight boxer from the hard side of Merrymount, expressed disgust at the situation, claiming the Wollaston levees had been poorly designed by the Quincy Point Panthers cheerleading squad.


Glenroyal Smoothshave, the absolute angriest motherfucker this city will ever know.

"I'm sick and tired of this shit," Smoothshave screamed. "Why weren't the residents of this city alerted with enough time to conduct a proper, timely evacuation? Why in God's name would a city hire a cheerleading squad to design a levee? And why the fuck were a shitload of black people sitting up on rooftops? If that was white people up on them rooftops, there would have been a helicopter for every single one of them. But no, the black man's gotta stay up on the rooftop all day and piss and shit in front of news cameras. If that was Elvis up on that rooftop, they would have raised the Titanic to go get him. If that was Justin Timberlake, Obama himself would have picked him up in a goddamn canoe. Even if it were Steve Zahn, or somebody like that, the motherfucker would have been there for six minutes, tops. Like I said, I'm sick of this shit. I'm about to get medieval up in this bitch. Who the fuck gets their flood warnings from Taunton, anyway? That is some straight up bullshit."

Smoothshave then darted up Hancock Street at the speed of an angry bulldog, causing Houston, Texas rap artist, Scarface, to cross the street in fear.

There is no word yet as to why Scarface was in Quincy, although it is expected that he may be researching the area for his upcoming film, Mo' Crazy Ridiculous.

For updates and warnings on today's weather, please watch the news.

Local nutbag demands special treatment during St. Patrick's Day holiday, threatens hunger strike

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

Mark Doherty, the Dorchester native who occasionally wanders into the Quincy city limits, has stirred up headlines yet again, making threats of a hunger strike unless a contract is drawn up no later than noon tomorrow that states that all Boston bars must provide him free beer during the St. Patrick's Day holiday festivities.

These demands, which vaguely imply that drinking free beer during Irish-themed holidays are part of Doherty's "religious beliefs," have already begun to receive much criticism from those with a high-ranking social status in the South Shore.

"This is bullshit," remarked Abington ironworker and former Quincy mayoral candidate, Tom Turkolio. "This kid just doesn't wanna pay for beer."

Turkolio then dropped to the ground and began performing a series of perfectly executed abdominal crunches in one of the most overly masculine and unnecessary acts of showmanship this city has seen in years.

"Who cares if this Doherty kid doesn't eat until noon tomorrow?" he added, as he wiped a single bead of sweat off his forehead with three One King Down shirts. "That's not even twenty-four hours from now. It's not like he's gonna die from it. And even if he did, what's the big deal?"

But as the hours pass, complaints about hunger pains have already begun.

"I'm fuckin' starving, dude!" Doherty told reporters. "I wanna go to Mickey D's so bad right now, but I can't. Hunger strikes are wicked hard."


Mark Doherty, making a giant fucking spectacle out of some gold plated rings.

While supporters of Doherty's St. Patrick's Day proposal make their presence known, most others have decided to ignore the insane request.

"Who does this guy think he is, Craig T. Nelson?" barked Mayor Thomas Menino, whose following sixteen minutes of dialogue was ruled completely indecipherable by all those who were forced to listen.

John Eire, owner of the Eire Pub on Adams Street, expressed frustration over the request, as well as a general sense of disdain for anyone who supports it.

"It's hard enough to make a living these days," Eire said, as he vigorously polished the frame of a signed Ronald Reagan photograph. "How am I supposed to run a business when I got people like Mark Doherty demanding free beer? In all my years here, this has got to be the most ridiculous thing I have ever witnessed. Back in 1983, President Ronald Reagan came in here for a photo op. It was funny to watch all those liberal Irishmen kissing some big time Republican's ass, but this one takes the cake. If the city approves this guy's request, I'm gonna stick a .45 caliber handgun in my mouth and blow my fucking brains out."

Tired of making the same empty threat every time something didn't go his way, Eire instinctively looked away, alone and defeated.

As of now, Boston has yet to make any official decision on Doherty's request, nor have they acknowledged the demand as being anything other than ridiculous. The deadline remains at noon tomorrow, where it is expected Doherty will be alive and well, although showing slight signs of fatigue.

Read: The Not-So-Dangerous Mark Doherty (Blast Magazine)

Area man deems Red Dog "uncommonly smooth," arrested for public drunkenness

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of an AT&T Samsung camera phone

An area man was arrested yesterday evening for public drunkenness, after attempting to climb to the top of the Quincy Police radio tower.

As of now, the man's name has yet to be released, although he is rumored to be related to the powerful and influential Del Tufo family of Merrymount, whose political connections in Quincy are surpassed by no other.

Having been caught red-handed, rescue teams were called in to retrieve the man, who blamed Red Dog's tantalizing blend of two barley malts and five varieties of hops for the incident, claiming the first sip of the American-style lager was so uncommonly smooth, he should not be to blame for any of his ensuing actions.

There is no word yet on how many more sips the man consumed, although experts believe this number to be somewhere in the thousands.

"The smoothness of Red Dog is not common," remarked JoJo Dancer, mysterious man of forbidden desire, last in the news after a feud with Revere's Joe Chaos almost devastated the already shaky relationship between the North and South Shore. "While one cannot deny the fact that Red Dog is a premium beverage, I do not believe that this should give anyone a free pass to do whatever they choose, no matter who they may, or may not, be related to."

It was later revealed that Dancer does not participate in the consumption of alcohol, making his words meaningless in a city that does not sleep.

The man will be arraigned today at Quincy District Court, where he is expected to plead "uncommonly smooth" to all charges.

Smoking chimp's novelty wears thin due to bad attitude, house-clearing cabbage farts

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Willard Wilcox, the lovable smoking chimp who stole the hearts of Quincy residents after rescuing elderly citizen, Ruby Meyer, from a speeding MBTA bus three years ago, has worn out his welcome in the City of Presidents, reports say.

Wilcox, who is known as "The Iron Eagle" to friends, has since developed reputation of being troublesome, snotty, and hard to deal with.

"Willard used to be my go-to guy," spoke Gary Gray, a local shoe repairman and one of the last remaining defenders of the rotary telephone. "He was my wingman, my co-pilot, my best fucking friend. You have no idea how many girls you can get when you have a smoking chimpanzee next to you at all times, it's uncanny. But he's different now, in almost every way possible. He's got this shitty attitude about him that just makes you wanna ring his little neck. And the fact that he's on a diet of strictly cabbage makes for some of the most vile farts I have ever had the displeasure of smelling. They're disgusting."

Wilcox, who resides in a South Quincy bungalow, has not only burned through a large list of friends and loved ones, but is now smoking over two packs of cigarettes a day, developing an unhealthy, and often annoying, case of chronic cough.

Lighting one of his signature Winstons, Wilcox casually flipped off reporters, refusing to make any comment on this article.

"Willard Wilcox is dead to me," remarked DJ Silent Partner, a spicy little pickle from the mean streets of Squantum. "I don't even know him anymore. The last time I saw him, it was like we were never even friends. I looked into his eyes and I saw nothing. And I'm not the only one. His family has written him off, his job at the Adams Cleaners let him go, and both of his roommates have moved out. He's alone in this world, and he has nobody to blame but himself. That monkey is a piece of shit."

Aside from being the Ides of March, today marks the first day that Wilcox will not be invited to the annual Moondog Day celebration on the Squantum peninsula.

"Last year's festivities had to be cut short because of Willard," DJ Silent Partner continued. "The people of Squantum wait all year long for Moondog Day---it's one of our favorite holidays---and that little chimp had to go and ruin it. I can't even begin to describe the smell of four pounds of cabbage after it's been broken down to a gaseous form in the bowels of a primate. After he let a few of those motherfuckers rip, everybody just started to get their shit together and head home. We couldn't stay around him any longer, it was just too brutal, too intense. Keep that shit on the other end of Quincy. At least that's my take on things."

The Quincy Scallion would like to wish Moondog and all of his devoted followers a safe and prosperous 14th annual Moondog Day.

Listen: Moondog and the SQ Revue (MySpace)

Beaten man vows to get appearance back by summer, loses all feeling in right arm

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Christopher Plastic, an out-of-work dental assistant from Hough's Neck, may be broken, but is far from defeated, his family says.

Plastic, who was beaten within an inch of his life outside of the Hofbrau yesterday evening, shows very little signs of surviving the incident, although promised his friends and family that he would be back in full swing by summer.

"Christopher is a very strong-willed man," said Irene Jefferson, a volunteer worker at Quincy Medical Center, who has been teaching Plastic to breathe on his own again. "But physically, he is very weak, even before the beating. The doctors say that it's only a matter of days, but he seems determined to hold on longer."

Jefferson then applied a small layer of topical ointment to Plastic's right eye, to which he instantly recoiled, letting out an ear-shattering scream that could be heard throughout the entire hospital floor.

According to doctors, Plastic will never regain feeling in his right arm.

He will undergo major operations on his left arm and both of his legs throughout the weekend, although the outcome of these are uncertain at this time.

While doctors show very little hope for Plastic, he remains optimistic, even going as far as to renew his season ticket holder status at Fenway Park.

"If I had to guess, he'll probably die," his mother told reporters. "But the hope inside him will live on. Even with the odds against him, he has yet to give up that hope. He told me this morning that he would take me to the Chantey in Marina Bay for my birthday, which is in August. I know it's probably just bullshit, but, being a Leo, it was good to see that he was still thinking of me."

Controversial investment consultant takes old bag of bones for entire life savings

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Like many old hens before her, Ruth Payne-Train, a retired widow from Quincy Point, thought she knew a good deal when she saw one.

What she didn't know is that Gerard Pembleton, an amateur investor from the working class section of Hospital Hill, not only didn't have her best interests in mind, but had absolutely no idea what the stock market even was.

As reported, Mrs. Payne-Train was approached by Pembleton, a regular at Sam's Restaurant on School Street, sometime last month, and was convinced to hand over her entire life savings, which, according to her, was somewhere in the thousands.

Having decided to invest everything in Pembleton's "High Risk No Profit" fund, Payne-Train began showing record losses almost immediately.

"I thought that young man was a professional," Payne-Train commented. "I thought he knew what he was doing. And now I'm broke. I can't even afford an early bird special at one of the most fairly-priced breakfast establishments in the city. Somebody out there ought to do something."

Payne-Train then stared deep into the empty bowl she had been provided at her local eatery and began to contemplate her life as a whole. It was at that moment that she realized she had never felt true love.

Payne-Train, who currently resides at a senior citizens center at 1000 Southern Artery, will be forced to move by the end of this month.

"Look, I made a mistake," remarked Pembleton. "A really big one, I know. I feel horrible. Everywhere I go, I hear people talking about the stock market. I see people making it big, creating a little nest egg for themselves. All I know about it is that I want in, and this old bag of bones has a few bucks she can throw my way. What was I supposed to do, say no? She seemed interested, like she might have even known what she was doing. I thought that maybe I could learn from her."

Pembleton then stared deep into the seared edges of his morning rib eye and added, "Who knew what an important lesson I would learn?"

Pembleton, who has a history of murder, will be brought up on charges of impersonating an investment consultant, faulty business practices, larceny, racketeering, and conspiracy to commit financial fraud.

Tons of animals “going crazy” in Wollaston backyard, concerned callers claim

Article by Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Reports flooded into the Quincy Animal Control’s head office last night, warning of a possibly “massive animal brawl” occurring in the backyard of a Wollaston home.

The first of these calls was received at 9:04pm by call center employee Rhonda Lutty, who described a frantic woman’s voice screaming about a “bunch of animals going nuts in a backyard.”

“I couldn’t quite make out what was going on,” recalled Lutty, a morbidly obese female from the Montclair section of Farrington Street. “The woman said something about animals getting out of control, but then she was drowned out by what sounded like a lion roaring into a megaphone.”

Lutty’s titanium lawn chair then abruptly gave up and collapsed in on itself. She was fired mere moments later on the grounds of being “physically ridiculous.”

As it is a well-known fact that the Quincy Animal Control’s head office doesn’t bother to record their messages, it is scientifically impossible to go back and analyze the call.

Neighbors near the site of the disturbance, which is being kept secret until the commotion dies down, were reluctant to divulge any additional information.

“There was a ton of bats swooping around over there,” said Peanut Buttersworth, as he waved his arms in the general vicinity of everywhere. A senior citizen who spent the better part of last night sleeping on his roof, Buttersworth went on to add, “Although it’s not easy for me to see what’s going on since I wear two pairs of sunglasses at all times, I distinctly heard a kangaroo, an octopus, a prize-winning bulldog, and at least several million ants battling for supremacy.”

Body of Great One Killer victim found in Faxon Park, "not a big deal," authorities claim

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

A major breakthrough has been made in the case of the Great One Killer, the serial killer who began murdering women in Quincy last summer and is still at large.

Authorities were alerted earlier today, when a group of local shitbags found what appeared to be the body of a young woman, interrupting the lunch break of responding officer, John Steele, who, after making a giant spectacle out of watching his Thanksgiving sandwich get cold, pronounced the victim dead on the scene.

The body was found in Faxon Park, a common dumping grounds for murder.

"This is not a big deal," Steele remarked. "What is a major deal is that I just wasted six bucks on a freezing cold sandwich."

Steele then casually tossed his sandwich into the air and fired six rounds into it, creating an explosive mess of cranberry sauce, mayonnaise, homemade stuffing, whole wheat bread, and oven roasted turkey breast.

But not all was lost with this discovery, as a mysterious cell phone photograph was found on a phone just next to the brutalized body of the victim, who, according to eyewitnesses, was "definitely a prostitute."

"As with all the other murders, a Dunkin' Donuts Great One cup was found within the general vicinity of the body," explained Officer Nico Haylen, who has been working as lead detective on the case since last July. "What was different about this time is that the victim still had her cell phone on her, which is unlike any of the prior dumping spots we have seen. After recharging the minutes on the victim's Boost Mobile---which I had to do using personal funds, I might add---we found a multimedia text message from a blocked number, asking the victim to meet her in a small passageway behind the Village Driving School in Wollaston."


The mysterious photograph, which shows a black pentagram tattoo on a man's back.

"The important thing here is that it appears to be only prostitutes," Haylen continued. "The respectable men and women of Quincy are safe for now, which is why we have not pursued this case to the degree one might have expected. What worries us is that there is a fine line between a prostitute and a common whore, especially at night. We are asking all sluts and whores in this city to please refrain from wearing provocative clothing, at least for now. It's not even summer yet. This really shouldn't be a huge deal. But, like everything else in my life, I'm sure it'll become one. How do you stay safe in this city? Try to not suck any dicks for OxyContin, for starters. That'd be a pretty safe bet. Other than that, just watch your back. If you see someone lurking in the shadows, just play it cool. You know our number."

Authorities have asked anyone with information as to who the man in the above photograph is to please call the all-new Great One Killer tip line at 617-GR8-1KIL, which will be up and running sometime within the next two weeks, after Officer Nico Haylen returns from his annual vacation in Barbados.

Arrival of New York rockstar has less than favorable results, disastrous consequences

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

International rock sensation, Rick Ta Life, found himself in yet another sticky situation, when a merchandise table mishap turned into an all-night hostage situation at an independent all-boys boarding school in Squantum.

Life, who is currently the frontman of New York Hardcore bands, Comin' Correct and 25 Ta Life, is best known for the hit song, "Wise to Da Game," as well as the epic modern rock anthem, "Keepin' it Real."

To date, Life is the only rock artist to ever receive a multi-platinum status from the RIAA for a homemade demo cassette.

The incident occurred when Rick Ta Life showed up at the all-boys school, in an attempt to make sure that each student was "staying true to the scene."

Being unsure as to what scene he was referring to, Life immediately began selling the students a shitload of his personal merchandise collection, ranging from t-shirts, records, demo tapes, and a limited edition goose down Maximum Penalty comforter, which is estimated at a value of approximately three dollars.

"That was the moment everything changed," said one student, whose parents asked this his name not be mentioned in this article. "Nobody wanted to hand over three dollars for a goose down comforter with some band that they've never even heard, and Rick just couldn't accept that. He kept screaming gibberish, it was hard to understand. He escorted every student to the cafeteria and placed the entire school on lockdown. After that, the authorities were called with his list of demands. But they had no idea what he was saying. Like I said, it was absolute gibberish. No matter what, though, he remained true to his roots the entire time. That much was sure. Pride, unity, brotherhood, respect; these were the values that Rick kept with him, no matter how out of control the situation became. After a while, it became the only thing we could actually count on for sure."

It was later revealed that Rick Ta Life, at one point, rode a horse.

A photograph taken on that fateful day when Rick Ta Life rode a horse.

"Blah! Gugh! Nyah! Nyah!" Life told authorities, in what became one of the most confusing conversations since the infamous 5-way conference call between Bob Dylan, Tom Petty, Mark Knopfler, Richard Butler, and David Gray.

Sneaking off unnoticed, a ragtag group of rebellious and mischievous boys formed a pack, determined to defeat Life once and for all.

Somehow, after conveniently becoming equipped with several semi-automatic weapons, the group of young rebels were able to overthrow their captor, proving that they, too, were wise to the game.

Upon receiving confirmation that their safety was now guaranteed, authorities rushed into the school, firing bean bag guns at anyone who stood in their way.

"It was one of our better raids," confirmed Officer Nico Haylen. "Anybody within my range got at least one bean bag to the face. It was a dream come true. And nobody except us was armed. That was the great thing about it. There's something so exhilarating about rushing into a building and knowing that the only one who's going to get hurt is everyone but you. I must have hit Rick Ta Life in the crotch about sixteen times. That guy's gonna be keepin' it real with an ice pack on his nuts. You think he makes weird noises on his albums, you should have heard this shit. He sounded like a Chinese family in a fucking garbage disposal. Good times."

Rick Ta Life will be arraigned tomorrow morning at Quincy District Court, where he will face Judge Jack Kelly on charges of kidnapping, terrorism, and general tomfoolery. He is expected to plead "@#$%" to all charges.

Recent scientific study shows mayor still fat

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

A recent study conducted by experts shows the excess baggage wrapped around Mayor Thomas Koch's body is going nowhere fast.

The study, which entailed a dozen scientists looking directly at the mayor's face for as long as they could, took approximately thirty-five seconds, and ended with all twelve participants resigning from any future dealings with the city.

As for what these recent findings mean for our city, no one can be sure.

"There was nothing scientific about this study," complained Dr. Juan "Bleeding Gums" Fernando. "All I did was look at some dude and confirm that he was fat. It really wasn't that hard. And the fact that his dress shirt was custom-made from an old Papa Gino's tablecloth didn't help. If I didn't know any better, I'd say that the blazer he was wearing was made out of potato skins from Grumpy White's, but, I would hope that's not true. That would just be too bizarre."

Dr. Fernando later confirmed that the word "too" should, in fact, be italicized.

"Look, I'm not trying to tell the people of Quincy how to vote," Dr. Fernando added. "But maybe a guy whose cologne is just watered-down marinara sauce spliced with a dash of catsup isn't the right man to be running an entire city. Especially one with a $226 million dollar budget. I mean, just look at the guy. He's about as tall as my 6-year-old daughter, he's built like a Chevy Astro van, and, to be quite frank, he looks like he has the sexual integrity of Ed Gein."

While several residents spoke in favor of the mayor, most others did not, some of the more pathetic ones going as far as to make fun of him on their blogs.

"Mayor Koch is a disgrace to this beautiful city," remarked Dino Bland, a wealthy investor from an undisclosed section of Quincy. "Men hate him because he nags like a woman. And women hate him because they are repulsed by his small shoe size. No matter how hard he tries, the man just can't seem to catch a break, yet still he leads. Like the plump, little boy-king he is, he looks down upon us, sitting in his snake-skin high-chair, judging us like the politicians of old. Empty your pockets, Quincy. The boy-king is hungry. Oh yes, he is very hungry, indeed."

To learn more about Dr. Juan Fernando, please visit the World Wide Web.

Google Maps incident causes citywide panic

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

An incident on Google Maps has caused panic in the streets of Quincy, resulting in multiple injuries and at least three deaths.

The incident began when area man, Raddo Slawbowski, noticed that his father could be spotted doing yard work in a Google Maps screenshot of his house.

As with almost anything else in this city, the discovery of this incident led to an immediate citywide panic, eventually peaking with an explosive military attack on a remote research center in Marina Bay, which experts believe was mistaken to be Google's North American headquarters.

“It’s just too much!” screamed Slawbowski. “All I tried to do was get Google Maps directions from the UMass Amherst campus to my own house. This is what happens, technology has turned our innermost fears into reality.”

Clawing his face into bloody ribbons with his bare hands, Slawbowski gurgled a final prayer to the pagan god of wind and cursed the internet into a hellish damnation. Immediately regaining his composure, he was heard to remark, "Ah fuck, who cares,” before casually dialing Yellow Cab for a ride to Quincy Medical Center.

"Life in Quincy is different since the Google Maps Incident," remarked Allston-renowned scientist, Matty Hammers. "Before the Google Maps Incident, the people of Quincy were at peace. They felt free to sunbathe on their lawns. When they wanted to make a drug deal, they just went ahead and did it, without a care in the world. And if they wanted to sit on their front stoop and drink warm beers with nothing but a bathrobe on, that's exactly what they did. But now, after the Google Maps Incident, people know that there is an eye in the sky. Now, they have to act differently. They have to act civilized. And that's not what these people want."

Hammers was last in the news after a fistfight with NewsRadio's Maura Tierney nearly cost him his seat on the Allston Scientist Council.


The Google Maps Incident, where Slawbowski's father can be spotted doing yard work.

"People went nuts," remarked Officer Nico Haylen, who declined to comment any further. "And that's all I can really say about that."

Haylen then stared directly into the eyes of a passing businesswoman, startling her into placing an absolutely impenetrable restraining order on him.

Haylen will face Judge Beverly Reinhold tomorrow in Quincy District Court, where he is expected to plead insanity to a series of charges, each of them stemming from his foolish behavior, horrendous work ethic, and overall lack of common decency.

"If anything, we should learn from this incident," added Hammers, as he applied his signature wax seal to a handwritten apology letter to the Tierney family. "The people of Quincy have shown that they are unable to cope with even the slightest change without resorting to rioting and mayhem. Just because one man's father can be seen doing yard work on a Google Maps screenshot, doesn't mean that we no longer have privacy. With the facts I have been presented, this appears to be nothing more than an isolated incident. But the important thing is that we remain calm. We don't want another Michael Douglas Incident on our hands. Look what happened there. Some guy just happened to pause Basic Instinct at an awkward time and ended up becoming so entranced by Michael Douglas' faith-shattering gaze, that he just loaded up his entire gun collection and started taking people out. I know how it sounds, but it happens all the time. If you don't believe me, Google it."


The Michael Douglas Incident, which led to over thirty deaths in Adams Shore.

While roaming bands of vigilantes were still being sought out by authorities, Mayor Koch’s office issued a public statement advising all computer-illiterate citizens to refrain from having their neighbors print out a copy of the controversial photograph.

Larf Chemoholic, the city's official spokesman on Google images and compulsive user of the “play now” button available on internet jukeboxes, expressed dismay at the incident, but offered advice to those who are still suffering from it’s horrifying mental image.

“Just stay calm,” stuttered Chemoholic, as he spilled half of his boiling hot cinnamon hazelnut coffee onto the bare legs of his secretary. “If there’s one thing I can assure you people, it’s that a still shot of a man wearing cut-off jean shorts doing some yard work is nothing to riot over. Stop killing each other.”


A previous press photo of Chemoholic, which was deemed inappropriate for minors.

Nervously staring up at the sky, his face obscured by shadow, as an ominously approaching asteroid loomed toward Earth, Chemoholic uttered a final comment before fleeing in a bulletproof 1996 Ford Taurus.

“This picture is the least of our problems now…”

Thousands apply for mediocre jobs at Quincy's new BJ's Wholesale Club

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

Thousands of applicants gave it their best shot during a tremendous job fair held for those interested in working at Quincy's new BJ's Wholesale Club.

The new store, which is set to open this spring, will create 160 new jobs.

BJ's Wholesale Club, the Natick-based wholesale shopping conglomerate, known for it's uncanny ability to almost never overcharge for products, has been a staple of Corporate America for quite some time now.

"It was a very healthy turnout," remarked company spokesman Joe Fruitopia.

Fruitopia, who is the co-founder of the since-defunct eponymous beverage line, was the personal inventor of the Beachside Blast flavor, a fan favorite amongst those who like to take it easy and cool off in a scenic coastal community.


Joe Fruitopia, in a 1997 press shot that was inevitably scrapped due to poor reviews.

"It was the kind of range we were anticipating," Fruitopia added, as he casually soothed his inner workings with a tall glass of Pepto Bismal. "People love bargains. And when they hear that bargains are coming to their town, they want in. I've seen this all before, far too many times. It's amazing how much a failing economy can effect how much one is willing to work an entry-level job. I don't think I'll ever get passed that. People are so desperate in times of need."

Stepping back to light a freshly-rolled Cuban cigar with a fistful of hundreds, Fruitopia then faded backwards into the darkness behind him. And as the darkness consumed him, the sound of a child's laughter could be heard, which, after a brief moment, turned into a soul-crushing, blood-curdling scream.

The all-new 85,000-square-foot store will be located on Crown Colony Drive, and is said to be on track to open this April.

Ed Hardy douchebags spotted at Quincy's Club 58

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Two Ed Hardy douchebags were spotted at Quincy's Club 58 on Saturday night, causing many residents to wonder what the fuck is next.

Ed Hardy, the Southern California tattoo artist, who is known for his subpar blend of standard flash art and overly obnoxious color schemes, has long since been the subject of public ridicule, even amongst residents of the Granite City.

Having received a "no wear" rule in late-2007, the Ed Hardy clothing has been banned ever since, although many of those who shop at stores, such as Marshalls and TJ Maxx have attempted to bypass this.

"I don't get it," claimed Salton Pepper, a self-proclaimed "expert on clothing lines, tattoos, and social trends," last in the news after causing a 52-car pile-up in Squantum. "I just don't get it. This is absolutely one of the worst clothing lines I have ever seen. And the tattoos aren't even that great. I'm gonna go ahead and say that this is nothing more than another social trend."

While many residents demanded the immediate deportation of the two men, others were unsure of what that entailed.

"I don't even know what deportation means," claimed Ricky McAlvin, a known creep from Montclair, who frequents the establishment to date rape the same three girls every weekend. "I'll tell you what we should do, though: we should take those two dickheads and escort 'em to the Quincy border, and never let 'em back in. That's what we should fuckin' do."

There is no word yet on where, exactly, McAlvin would like to have the two men deported to, although the most likely candidate is Weymouth.

Authorities have asked all Quincy residents to please refrain from attempting to commit any form of street justice against those in Ed Hardy clothing. They have, however, stated that, while it may be impossible to avoid these people at all times, it is best to stay clear of Ford Broncos and Jeep Wranglers that are blasting Social Distortion's "Story of My Life" at an ear-splitting volume.

Quincy Aquarium does very little to impress locals, celebrates record-breaking gift shop sales

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

The all-new Quincy Aquarium opened this weekend to lackluster reviews from both critics and residents alike, paving way for what appears to be yet another failed enterprise for the already deteriorating Quincy Center.

The Quincy Aquarium is awkwardly located in the middle of Gay Street, a small side street, known only for it's hilarious name.

"That aquarium was nothing short of despicable," remarked Furnie Brook, owner of an undisclosed parkway in the heart of Quincy. "First of all, none of the marine life was even real. They were just carved wooden figures with paint on them. I'll admit, the craftsmanship was outstanding. But I wasn't looking for art, I was looking to shut three kids up for a couple of hours so I could text my secretary about the horrendous shit I was gonna do to her ass. Now, I have to explain to three toddlers why penguins and seals never move. Fuck my life."

While most residents agreed with Brook's assessment of the aquarium, others were more optimistic, some of them even ecstatic.

"I wouldn't say I'm ecstatic about it," claimed Calvin Steadfast, a smooth operator from the seductively enticing side of West Quincy. "But it was funny to find out that Quincy has a Gay Street. I never knew that before."


Photographic evidence that Quincy has a Gay Street, which is located just off of School Street.

"Who cares if the animals aren't real?" asked Dean Kablenko. "They're still amazing to watch. Just because something doesn't move, doesn't make it any less fun. It's pretty much the same opinion I have about sex."

Kablenko then paused for a moment as he received a text message from his wife, who had been watching his interview live on Quincy Access Television. And as the look on his face changed from a general sense of comfort to a mind-bending state of panic, it could only be assumed that he, like many others before him, would be spending the next few nights on the couch.

Answering to complaints from Boston that the City of Presidents had been "biting (their) style," top officials at Quincy City Hall replied that this was, in no way, anything new, as it had been going on for well over a week.

Just last month, Faneuil Hall's Quincy Market had been relocated to Hough's Neck.

A young lady in the newly-relocated Quincy Market, cheating on her husband with Red Auerbach.

"To say that Quincy is attempting to copy Boston is a ludicrous statement," spoke mayoral aide Joe Schlopp. "We are merely staking claim to things that should have been ours to begin with. An aquarium is much better suited for our area. Our Gay Street location is far more convenient than Boston's. As far as anybody knows, the Blue Line doesn't even exist. But with our location, there are so many bus routes that pass through the area. Or, if the weather is nice, you can walk through scenic Quincy Center and spend the day drinking in Irish pubs, getting your nails done by the Vietnamese, and wasting your hard-earned money on worthless trinkets in one of our many dollar stores. As for the Quincy Market incident, I think that is an obvious one. That belonged to us from the very beginning. You don't see us running around opening up places called Boston Market, do you?"

It was later revealed that Quincy does, in fact, have a Boston Market.

After only an hour of being open, most of those at the Quincy Aquarium had given up any hope of being entertained, causing many to become confused and purchase as much as possible from the aquarium's insanely overstocked gift shop.

One lady, in particular, was said to have purchased so many items that a specialty store from the Monponsett section of Hanson was flown in by personal helicopter to custom-build a suitcase so that she could carry them all home.

"The aquarium did not have much to offer," admitted Edna Turnip, 98, of North Quincy. "But the gift shop had such an extensive collection of clothing and figurines. I found myself unable to resist the compelling deals and bargains.

Turnip, who is no stranger to diving head-first into wild situations, then walked nearly three miles to her home, where she immediately collapsed dead from a series of presumably pre-existing medical conditions, all while Scallion photographers took pictures and heckled her through a megaphone.

Edna Turnip, who carried over 300lbs. of crap from School St. to Hollis Ave.

Until further notification, the Quincy Aquarium is scheduled to remain open seven days a week, 24 hours a day. It should be noted, however, that scientific experts have predicted that the building, itself, will only last six more days, where it is then expected to literally explode due to the obvious lack of structural integrity, flooding South Quincy and almost all of it's inhabitants.