Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web
Christopher Plastic, an out-of-work dental assistant from Hough's Neck, may be broken, but is far from defeated, his family says.
Plastic, who was beaten within an inch of his life outside of the Hofbrau yesterday evening, shows very little signs of surviving the incident, although promised his friends and family that he would be back in full swing by summer.
"Christopher is a very strong-willed man," said Irene Jefferson, a volunteer worker at Quincy Medical Center, who has been teaching Plastic to breathe on his own again. "But physically, he is very weak, even before the beating. The doctors say that it's only a matter of days, but he seems determined to hold on longer."
Jefferson then applied a small layer of topical ointment to Plastic's right eye, to which he instantly recoiled, letting out an ear-shattering scream that could be heard throughout the entire hospital floor.
According to doctors, Plastic will never regain feeling in his right arm.
He will undergo major operations on his left arm and both of his legs throughout the weekend, although the outcome of these are uncertain at this time.
While doctors show very little hope for Plastic, he remains optimistic, even going as far as to renew his season ticket holder status at Fenway Park.
"If I had to guess, he'll probably die," his mother told reporters. "But the hope inside him will live on. Even with the odds against him, he has yet to give up that hope. He told me this morning that he would take me to the Chantey in Marina Bay for my birthday, which is in August. I know it's probably just bullshit, but, being a Leo, it was good to see that he was still thinking of me."
Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web
An incident on Google Maps has caused panic in the streets of Quincy, resulting in multiple injuries and at least three deaths.
The incident began when area man, Raddo Slawbowski, noticed that his father could be spotted doing yard work in a Google Maps screenshot of his house.
As with almost anything else in this city, the discovery of this incident led to an immediate citywide panic, eventually peaking with an explosive military attack on a remote research center in Marina Bay, which experts believe was mistaken to be Google's North American headquarters.
“It’s just too much!” screamed Slawbowski. “All I tried to do was get Google Maps directions from the UMass Amherst campus to my own house. This is what happens, technology has turned our innermost fears into reality.”
Clawing his face into bloody ribbons with his bare hands, Slawbowski gurgled a final prayer to the pagan god of wind and cursed the internet into a hellish damnation. Immediately regaining his composure, he was heard to remark, "Ah fuck, who cares,” before casually dialing Yellow Cab for a ride to Quincy Medical Center."Life in Quincy is different since the Google Maps Incident," remarked Allston-renowned scientist, Matty Hammers. "Before the Google Maps Incident, the people of Quincy were at peace. They felt free to sunbathe on their lawns. When they wanted to make a drug deal, they just went ahead and did it, without a care in the world. And if they wanted to sit on their front stoop and drink warm beers with nothing but a bathrobe on, that's exactly what they did. But now, after the Google Maps Incident, people know that there is an eye in the sky. Now, they have to act differently. They have to act civilized. And that's not what these people want."
Hammers was last in the news after a fistfight with NewsRadio's Maura Tierney nearly cost him his seat on the Allston Scientist Council.
The Google Maps Incident, where Slawbowski's father can be spotted doing yard work.
"People went nuts," remarked Officer Nico Haylen, who declined to comment any further. "And that's all I can really say about that."
Haylen then stared directly into the eyes of a passing businesswoman, startling her into placing an absolutely impenetrable restraining order on him.
Haylen will face Judge Beverly Reinhold tomorrow in Quincy District Court, where he is expected to plead insanity to a series of charges, each of them stemming from his foolish behavior, horrendous work ethic, and overall lack of common decency.
"If anything, we should learn from this incident," added Hammers, as he applied his signature wax seal to a handwritten apology letter to the Tierney family. "The people of Quincy have shown that they are unable to cope with even the slightest change without resorting to rioting and mayhem. Just because one man's father can be seen doing yard work on a Google Maps screenshot, doesn't mean that we no longer have privacy. With the facts I have been presented, this appears to be nothing more than an isolated incident. But the important thing is that we remain calm. We don't want another Michael Douglas Incident on our hands. Look what happened there. Some guy just happened to pause Basic Instinct at an awkward time and ended up becoming so entranced by Michael Douglas' faith-shattering gaze, that he just loaded up his entire gun collection and started taking people out. I know how it sounds, but it happens all the time. If you don't believe me, Google it."
The Michael Douglas Incident, which led to over thirty deaths in Adams Shore.
While roaming bands of vigilantes were still being sought out by authorities, Mayor Koch’s office issued a public statement advising all computer-illiterate citizens to refrain from having their neighbors print out a copy of the controversial photograph.
Larf Chemoholic, the city's official spokesman on Google images and compulsive user of the “play now” button available on internet jukeboxes, expressed dismay at the incident, but offered advice to those who are still suffering from it’s horrifying mental image.
“Just stay calm,” stuttered Chemoholic, as he spilled half of his boiling hot cinnamon hazelnut coffee onto the bare legs of his secretary. “If there’s one thing I can assure you people, it’s that a still shot of a man wearing cut-off jean shorts doing some yard work is nothing to riot over. Stop killing each other.”
A previous press photo of Chemoholic, which was deemed inappropriate for minors.
Nervously staring up at the sky, his face obscured by shadow, as an ominously approaching asteroid loomed toward Earth, Chemoholic uttered a final comment before fleeing in a bulletproof 1996 Ford Taurus.
“This picture is the least of our problems now…”
Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web
The owner of Siros restaurant in Marina Bay will be opening another eatery on the complex’s boardwalk, this time catering to the crazier side of the city.
Siros owner Kristy Hendersen has reported that she has already obtained a lease to open a restaurant and function hall called Port 305 in the former Skyline.
"It's going to be a family restaurant," Hendersen said. "But it's also going to be fucking insane. You thought Water Works was bad? Wait until you see this shit. We're gonna have jello wrestling, mechanical bull riding, baby slapping, dance-offs, bonanzas, jump roping, murder contests, and fucking midget sex. Yeah, you heard me right; midgets having sex while you eat. So fucking gross, but so fucking awesome. This place is gonna be a non-stop mind fuck!"
Hassan Haydar, property manager of Boardwalk Shops Realty Corp., who took over ownership of the Skyline location, confirmed that Hendersen has signed a lease for the 305 Victory Road location, although stated that she must still obtain city permits and license transfers before she can open.
This, Haydar said, should not pose a major problem, as his influence and power of persuasion should be "more than enough to seal the deal."
Hassan Haydar (left) and a business associate (right) during their last property deal.
"There's gonna be so many balloons," Hendersen added, as she stared down a passing jogger, never once blinking, always maintaining the stare. "The entire first floor is going to be made out of meat. And the second floor is gonna be a futuristic function hall. Whether it's karaoke, dancing, or picking up a quarter pound of honey baked ham, everything you could ever need is gonna be in this place. It's gonna be a one-stop fiesta of your wildest dreams. I can't wait to fucking open this shit."
Hendersen later confirmed that deli meat will not be made available at the restaurant, although did admit that it would have been "wicked awesome," had it been true.
The only known photograph of Hendersen, just before she attacked Slim of Quincy Daily Photo.
As reported by more respectable media sources in the area, assets of the former establishment will be auctioned off on January 27th.
The auction will include restaurant hardware and equipment that was seized by a heartless creditor after Skyline owners Gail and Freddy Sliderman lost their asses in Vegas back in November, causing them to shut down and close for good.
Author's Note: Happy birthday to Slick Rick and Jason Bateman!!!
Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web
In a joint effort between all douchebag bars in the area, Marina Bay has just announced it's plans to do away with over half of their already minimal beer selection in an effort to incorporate up to thirteen new flavors of Smirnoff Ice, the premium malt beverage known for attracting the lascivious underbelly of the female population.
It is this change that Marina Bay hopes will bring in more disease-infected whores, which, in turn, will bring in more money for the taking. From fake tans, to bleached hair, to the hilarious ruptured-cesarean-scar-and-belly-shirt combo, whores will now be able to walk the boardwalk with a plethora of malted flavors at their fingertips.
Tim Johnbone, a North Quincy resident who is currently filing a one-man class action lawsuit against the makers of the motion picture Congo, regularly frequents this supposedly high-end section of Quincy, and has little doubt of the success that the Marina’s new direction will bring.
“It’s a really great idea,” remarked Johnbone. “I come here on the weekends to unwind after a hard week's work. When I'm here, I’m looking for trashbag girls like a bear's looking for honey. There was way too many ‘dude beers’ in these clubs, but now that they're throwing thirteen new flavors of 'Smutty Ice' into these joints, girls are going to be passed out all over the parking lot. A guy like me can really clean up in a situation like this.”
Marina Bay will celebrate their inclusion of the new Smirnoff Ice collection this weekend at the genital wart capital of the world, Water Works. The festivities will include a wet t-shirt contest, several ice luges, a heated game of Twister that no amount of beers could possibly make you feel comfortable participating in, and live performances by unemployed rap legend, Neal Diamondz.
"Yeah, it should be a good time," commented Diamondz, as he casually distracted a group of underage girls by throwing a single 30mg Percocet on the ground. "You thought there was a shitload of whores here before, fuck that, wait until this shit goes down. I'm gonna have whores fucking dripping off me by the time this shit is through. Everyone should come down for this though, it's gonna be a blast. I'm gonna be doing some Misfits covers on the acoustic, and then, after that, I'll bust out some of my token wigga shit. There's a fine line between a punk and a thug, and I am that line. You can quote me on that."
Shortly after the announcement of these plans, a tornado warning was released for Western Massachusetts, causing many people to wonder if the tornado would slowly work it's way east, revealing itself to be God's way of finally ridding the world of the disgusting cesspool of UGG® boots and mini-skirts that has so wrongly been posing as a boating community for so long.
visitors since August 27th, 2009. All articles written by Wilder-Edwards unless noted otherwise. ~ The Scally©
