Star of “Drag Me to Hell” celebrates premier at semi-famous Quincy eatery

Article by Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Alison Lohman, star of Sam Raimi’s newest hit horror movie, Drag Me to Hell, celebrated the film's premier last Friday at Finian’s restaurant in Quincy Center.

Finian’s, a local food depository on Hancock Street, is famous for it’s reasonably priced entrees, tolerance of adult language and situations, and retarded amount of free refills on Shirley Temple drinks. These factors contributed to Lohman’s decision to choose Finian’s over Mann’s Chinese Restaurant in Los Angeles, and the famous sushi spot, Nobu, in Manhattan, which were all vying to host the premier.

Lohman arrived at 6:00PM in a stretched limo, which immediately blew a tire on a pile of broken glass left near the curb out in front of the restaurant. Spirits rose, however, when the wait for a table was revealed to only be “a coupla minutes.”

The cast and crew of the hit movie phoned Lohman from Los Angeles to wish her the best. “Sam’s a great guy,” said Lohman. “He was a little confused when I told him I was coming out here since they were all meeting up at Mann’s, but when I told him that this place had Wild Irish Rose on tap, he understood. The owner and staff of Finian’s appeared to be thrilled."

“No shit? Actress? Damn, nice one!” remarked Paul Bonkers, the head bartender in Finian’s “bar section." "I’ll probably check that shit out when it hits the Quincy theatre." Although the film is not scheduled to arrive in Quincy's infamous theatre for a number of years, Bonkers stated that he wouldn’t let his friends ruin the movie for him until he saw it himself.

Finian’s owner, Phil “Krazy Hercules” Finian, also had words about the event. “No shit? Paul’s still here? I thought I fired him two months ago? Oh, yeah that Allison chick is hot. I comped her a free Chicken Cordon Bleu with our trademark supreme sauce---whatever the hell that is---and a side of rice. You know, that vague rice that we serve that is kinda like rice pilaf?”

Lohman, relaxing between dinner and desert, signed autographs for the patrons who were sober enough to recognize her, and even remained calm when a grease fire erupted in the kitchen, setting off the building’s fire alarms. “The food was good. I love the free refills. It’s…nice to know the alarm system is up to date, too, I guess.”

Squinting in the near pitch black darkness of the restaurant's back booths, Lohman then ordered a “Wild and Wacky Vanilla Ice Cream Bowl” from the menu, which, as far as anyone could tell, was just two scoops of vanilla ice cream in a bowl. “I thought I’d go with desert and get the full experience. I’m still a little hungry and I made a couple million from that movie so I can definitely afford it. But even if I wasn’t in a hit movie, the prices here are very reasonable. And when the waitress dropped a bowl of pipin’ hot clam chowder on the floor, she immediately gave me another one and didn’t put it on the bill. It's those kind of little touches you don’t find in five-star restaurants." Smiling politely, the actress then put on her jacket as the room temperature dropped to a bone-chilling 39 degrees due to the industrial size air conditioners located throughout the room.

8 Ball jacket spotted at Club 58, entire city left to wonder what's next

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of a Nextel i580 cell phone

In a recent discovery, a mint condition 8 Ball jacket was seen being worn by a local hip-hop enthusiast at Quincy's Club 58, the former Shooters pool hall, now known for its overwhelmingly high level of tolerance to debaucherous bathroom gropings, late night "key bump" antics, and outdated fashion statements.

"It's jackets like these that make me worry," stated Radek Foozbowski, manager of the Knights of Columbus's weekly meat raffle. "With 8 Ball jackets, there's always trouble. I don't know if they just disperse these jackets into the already seedy underbelly of Quincy, or maybe the jackets themselves are what infect the minds of these people, but when you see an 8 Ball jacket heading your way, you turn the other way and run. You get the fuck out of wherever you are, and you don't look back, because there's no way that the bearer of that jacket has anything that could even closely be considered good intentions."

Patrons in attendance were panicked by the 8 Ball jacket almost immediately, some of them resorting to extreme measures to ensure their quick escape. "I called the cops the second I saw the thing," remarked Larry Manusha, a longtime fan of the Quincy nightlife. "Before the jacket even made its way to the bar, people were screaming and trampling over each other to get out. It was absolute chaos. It actually reminded me a lot of the bank robbery scene in Heat, or some deleted scene out of Cloverfield, or something like that. People were literally slipping into madness, all of them just piling up at the exits. Destructive Rhythm had to stop their set short and make a break for it, leaving behind a vintage Ludwig kit that the 8 Ball jacket just consumed like it was "The Blob." I'm just glad I made it out of there alive. Living through something like this really makes you think."

As to the current whereabouts of this 8 Ball jacket, no one is sure, although some have speculated that it is still present at Club 58, lurking in the shadows, patiently awaiting its next victim. Other theorists have concluded that the jacket was merely a figment of everyone's imaginations, brought on by a combination of the bright, multi-colored lights of Club 58 and the lingering post-traumatic stress from 9/11. Until further information is available, it is advised that all Quincy residents remain keen and aware of their surroundings, as the possibility of an 8 Ball jacket infiltration is there. More on this continuing story as it develops.

"Free Breakfast" sign outside Presidents' City Inn proves to stir up stiff competition for restaurants

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Restaurants and breakfast establishments throughout the city are calling for an all-out ban on the Presidents' City Inn's complimentary breakfast plan, claiming it has been hampering their businesses in a time when they need customers the most.

"You can't compete with free," remarked Dino Bland, an amateur venture capitalist known for investing ludicrous amounts of money into forgettable businesses, such as Tony's Pizza in Wollaston and Louis' Crossing in Hough's Neck. "This is a vicious attack on the local food industry, and it's hurting businesses everywhere. For the same price it would cost you to take a nice, respectable girl out to the Fat Cat for dinner and few drinks, you can get a room, a cheap bottle of booze, and do a bunch of weird shit to a hooker all night long. And then you get to wake up to a hot breakfast. They're monopolizing the entire customer base of Quincy."

But not all residents agree with Quincy's collective decision to set forth the free breakfast ban. "I've been coming to this place for years," said Shawnie Brando, a longtime patron of the motel, who along with his girlfriend, Elizabeth Longfur, have spent over a hundred nights in the Presidents' City Inn's undebatably questionable sleeping arrangements. "Some of the people who stay here stay up all night long, smashing bags of coke up their nose and slapping around call girls. Honestly, that stale piece of toast they get in the morning is probably the only thing keeping them alive. I think it's a very nice gesture, and it's part of the reason I stay here."

"I like to stay there once in a bit and give a lady of leisure a jolly rogering in the arse," said Michael A. Hearst, a Quincy local known for his recent annoying fascination with the British vernacular. "Who wants to buy a slovenly trollop some bangers and mash when there's free toast to be had?"

Quincy-originally-being-part-of-Braintree revealed to be nothing more than Wikipedia rumor

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

In an exciting, new revelation, a twelve person panel of high ranking city officials have discovered that Quincy was, in fact, never considered part of Braintree, as was previously thought by many historians. The investigatory panel, which was handpicked by the mayor last Tuesday as part of the city's new "Fuck Braintree" campaign, uncovered this truth late last night, just after they scientifically proved that, on average, any one given Quincy kid could take two Braintree kids in a fight, even if both arms were tied behind his back.

"We did a crazy amount of research, and we literally couldn't find a single piece of evidence showing that Quincy was originally a part of Braintree," commented former assistant to the mayor's assistant, Joe Schlopp. "Other than what Wikipedia says, it's all just a bunch of hearsay. People like to talk. They like to run their mouths and stir the pot, especially if they're from one of our less fortunate bordering towns. This is obviously a rumor started by Braintree, most likely out of jealousy for how many train stations we have. We have four, and Braintree only has one. And don't even get me started on bus routes---we have millions of them. It was a pretty extensive study we did, and I'm confident in the fact that we have nothing to do with Braintree whatsoever. We didn't exactly reference any actual books, or anything like that, but we asked around on message boards, talked in chat rooms, checked out some of the leading websites, busted out a little Twitter action, and stuff like that. See, the mayor got everybody these new iPhones, and, to be honest, we couldn't really take our hands off them, so we were pretty much all set with going to the library. Did you know that you can point an iPhone up to the sky while a song is playing and it will tell you what song it is? It can figure out any song in the world. Well, it couldn't figure out my own band's song, now that I think about it, but that was probably just a glitch, because my band is actually starting to get really well known around here. We're playing tonight at Firefly's with Ernie & The Automatics, if anyone's interested."

Some Quincy residents took the recent news as a chance to further slander the notoriously boring town. "I don't even consider Braintree an actual place," said Spanky, a former Iron Chef winner from Quincy Point. "What do they even have aside from the mall and Chili's? Nothing---that's what they have---nothing but a bunch of pussies and some disgusting, cheap motel next to a rundown Bickford's."

Braintree residents, however, had no hesitation forming their rebuttal. "This only further proves the ignorance that Quincy is known for," remarked Dick Strong, head historian for Braintree's Water and Sewage Department. "If you look at Braintree's sewer system, it's set to run directly into the heart of Wollaston Beach. Would our town ever have been able to pull that off if we weren't, at one point, their leader? Quincy kid's are gonna have to come to the realization that they were once Braintree. There's just no way around it. The facts are the facts."

Beloved breakfast place closes to dismay of Quincy residents, resulting in awkward renaming

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of a Nextel i580 cell phone

Overwhelming panic has filled the streets of Quincy as a mysterious sign replacement was revealed to have occurred while nobody was looking at the restaurant once known as the Egg and I. The sign change, which states the new name of the restaurant as Lori Anne's, caused a citywide freakout almost immediately after being noticed by nearby Wolly Mount kids, resulting in an all-night riot, leaving many critically injured and at least one dead.

"We have quite a situation on our hands," said Officer Nico Haylen, a diabetic cop known for his constant handgun misuse. "So far, these riots have resulted in thirteen people getting blasted in the face, eight people who have been hit with a brick, one unfortunate dude who was drowned in a pool of his own urine, and at least two back alley brawls that make the twelve-minute fight scene in They Live look like an ordinary scuffle. Anybody who tries to pull this shit while I'm here is getting a needle full of insulin right in the fucking temple."

Some of those who survived the riots claimed to have an odd sense of empathy with those who lost control. "I'm not saying it's right," claimed Jeff Archaic, an aspiring dancer from North Quincy. "I sort of understand though. That place has been the Egg and I for as long as I can remember. They should have just kept the name the same and everything would have gone so much smoother. All they did was literally change the letters on the already existing sign. It's like they were trying to pull one over on us. I don't even know how to feel about this, it's all a bit confusing to me. This entire city is spiraling out of control."

Authorities are still on the lookout for multiple key players in the riots, especially in one case where a man apparently got so confused by the recent change of ownership that he actually grabbed a baby out of a passing lady's stroller and spiked it on the ground like a football. "That was so brutal," commented Neal James, a known troublemaker from Wollaston. "He spiked that baby so hard that you could actually hear it hit the ground. It sounded like a trash bag full of wet Koosh balls hitting the pavement. It was the most out-of-place sound I have ever heard come out of a baby's body, and I once saw a baby puke and shit herself at the same time."

No word yet on if the baby has made public his intentions of a counter attack, although it is assumed that this matter is not finished. Until further information is available, the city has advised it's residents to remain indoors until the majority of people in this city have come to terms with the fact that the Egg and I is gone.

Well known South Shore kids make presence known in not-so-well-known Quincy bar

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Quincy's Blue 22 Bar & Grille made an official statement this morning that they will no longer be serving, or catering to the needs of, maggots, assholes, dickweeds, or ridiculously shitty dancers. This event, which has already spawned further bars to enact the new rule, was aired on cable access television at approximately 8:00AM, making it so absolutely no maggot, asshole, dickweed, or ridiculously shitty dancer was awake to see it.

"Those kids are all maggots and dickweeds," said Tom Turkolio, an ironworker from Abington who is constantly getting all up in Quincy's business. "They were ridiculously shitty dancers, too. I haven't seen anybody flail their arms like that since my boy, Dean Kablenko, told his girlfriend he had gonorrhea for an April Fool's joke. That chick totally believed him, too. It was the funniest fucking shit I've ever seen in my entire life. I totally forgot about that shit until just now."

"It was just getting a bit crazy in here," commented Jacquelin McCrockforth, an everyday patron of the bar. "Those kids were the most South Shore. Some were from Abington, some from Weymouth---even Whitman---and they were all wicked crazy. At the end of the night, they wouldn't leave. They just kept partying. I had to chase them all out with a Bic lighter and a can of Aqua Net. I thought I was gonna have to take down a few motherfuckers."

In a possibly related event, a South Shore man was arrested yesterday in Boston after going onto a rooftop and declaring war against the entire world, followed by strategically taking out any police officer that went near him. "The mind of a South Shore kid is an amazing thing," remarked Audrey Baloney, Boston's eighth highest regarded rooftop criminal analyst. "At a certain point, all South Shore people crack, and they immediately flee to the rooftops to pursue a life of all-encompassing ridiculousness. That's what happened here, he just, all of the sudden, went absolute apeshit, or 'AAS,' as we call it in the field. Trust me, I'm the eighth highest regarded rooftop criminal analyst in Boston. Do you have any idea what that means? It means that there's only seven people in Boston that are better than me at my job. I'm okay with that. Those are stats I can live with."

Authorities have made it publicly known that all attendees of Blue 22 on Saturday night are wanted for questioning in regards to crimes of public foolishness and unauthorized hip gyrations. Authorities have also warned the public about another South Shore man who is reportedly on a weekend-long tirade about how Montclair is the best part of Quincy. He is to be considered armed and extremely shitfaced, and has been known to wear the following t-shirt for weeks at a time.

Another thriving West Quincy business closes in wake of falling economy, rising drug addiction

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of a Nextel i580 cell phone

Yet another West Quincy business has called it quits in what is being referred to as the "shortest business venture since the recycled condom sales debacle of 1996." Mom & Pops Neighborhood Variety, which was located on the corner of Copeland Street and Cross Street, was open for business for approximately three hours and seventeen minutes before closing it's doors to the shame of the entire neighborhood. Becoming one of the most immediate failures Quincy has ever seen, the poorly planned corner store has caused local residents to wonder if West Quincy is simply out of ideas on how to compete in an age where ideas count the most.

"I have no idea why anyone would open a variety store up only a hundred feet from Copeland Package," said Tony Manchego, an out-of-work middleman from Suomi Road. "Copeland Package has everything you could ever need. That place is the most accommodating store I have ever done business in. They literally removed the entire laundromat portion of their business so they could find enough space to fit more alcoholic beverages. If a West Quincy resident needs to do laundry and buy liquor, but only has enough money to do one---trust me---they're buying the liquor."

Others from the area complained about the lackluster service Mom & Pops offered during it's short stay. "I went in there to buy a quart of milk and the dude was nodding off on the counter. That dude was definitely sniffin' bags out back, there's no way around it. I had to wake the dude up just to get him to cash me out. I took about ten steps out of there and, by the time I looked back, the place was already out of business. The fucking kid's still in there sleeping, too. He just keeps waking up every couple of hours to sniff more bags, it's fucking nasty. Somebody should put that kid in rehab, and maybe give him a little lesson on how and where to use apostrophes. This whole fucking town is going to shit."

Austen's Dead awarded keys to the city, voted "Official Band of Quincy"

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

In a black tie event being held earlier this afternoon at the Marriott Hotel in Quincy, Austen's Dead was awarded the keys to the city, just after receiving the "Official Band of Quincy" award, which was decided upon by a unanimous decision. The band, who were known for their misogynistic and generally spiteful lyrics, has been a fan favorite for Quincy locals since the early nineties.

"The mayor is a big fan of Austen's Dead," said Trim Whitman, a former City Hall filing clerk who was recently promoted as one of the mayor's chief advisors. "I think everybody knows how much the mayor hates nannies, so, with that being said, they've always been one of his favorite bands. When he heard that song with them poking fun at the Swedish nanny whose torso was found all hacked up, he couldn't stop laughing. He's a good guy, and just about as close to a perfect mayor as one could ask for, but he's got a sick fucking sense of humor."

Others who were at the ceremony admittedly did not see eye-to-eye with the mayor, some of them openly calling for an immediate impeachment. Most residents who were in attendance took to picketing the event, stating that the award should be given to a more wholesome band, such as 4 Heads Deep, Jetavana Grove, Full House Crew, or at the very least, Just Add Water.

Those who agreed with the decision, however, teamed up against the protesters, forcefully removing them from the festivities. "Why these bitches frontin'?" said Brian "Hardball" Jones, a longtime fan of the band. "We're talking about a band who used to put actual slaughtered pig heads on top of their amplifiers while they played. If that's not enough to qualify a band for this award, I don't know what is."

Download: Zero Man (MP3 File)

Tupac-Biggie feud revealed to have started in North Quincy watering hole

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

In a so far developing story, Matt "Harpo" Doughty, a message board user from Germantown, has revealed his side of the infamous Tupac-Biggie feud, claiming its origins can be traced back to Quincy, Mass.

"It all started one night at Murphy's Twin Shamrocks in North Quincy," claimed Doughty. "I remember it like it was yesterday. Tupac was at the table across from me and he was ordering fajitas. I remember it clearly because he couldn't decide between chicken and steak, and was thrilled to find out that they offered a combination of the two. A few minutes later, Biggie Smalls showed up. He ordered the nachos, I believe, followed by two sides of mashed potatoes with extra butter, and then another order of nachos. Everything seemed to be going okay, but they were drinking these huge margaritas that this bartender, Tim, used to make, and they got into a huge argument over which side of the Dinosaur Jr. feud they fell on. Tupac was trying to tell Biggie how he sided with J Mascis, because he was the 'undisputed leader of the band', and Lou Barlow 'should have just shut up and played bass.' Biggie got furious when he heard that. He kept telling Tupac about how 'Lou Barlow was merely sticking up for himself,' and no matter who the leader was, 'there's only so much one person can take.' That's when the argument started to take a turn for the worse. After that, shit got seriously out of hand."

Nervously lighting a cigarette, Doughty continued to explain the events at the otherwise peaceful North Quincy bar. "Tupac stood right up in Biggie's face and said that Lou Barlow was an 'overly meek stoner dude who fears confrontation.' That didn't go over well with Biggie, not at all. 'Oh yeah?' Biggie screamed. 'Well, J Mascis is a tyrannical madman whose hair is prematurely graying due to the guilt he has from mistreating his bandmates'. And that was about all she wrote for Murphy's that night. At that point, everybody just got out of there as quick as they could. The entire way to my car, all I could hear was shouting and screaming. And then there were gunshots. After that, Tupac and Biggie never spoke to each other again, at least not as friends. The rest is just history."

No one knows yet if this is the first occurrence of a major celebrity feud starting in Quincy, although some speculate that most are, in fact, born in the City of Presidents. So far, the Quincy Scallion is the only news source to bring forth this shocking story. It is a story in which the facts are so undeniably believable that the only question left is whether, or not, this beautiful city could have stepped in and prevented a coastal hip-hop war that left two young artists dead.

Cops called record nine hundred times in one night due to insane party

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Authorities responded to an overwhelming nine hundred disturbance calls last night when a party in West Quincy took a turn for the worse. The party, which was reportedly still going on since Cinco de Mayo, was raided by a team of seven cops and a handful of recently sleep-deprived neighbors, although backup officers were called to the scene almost immediately after, as it became increasingly clear that they were no match for the horrors found inside.

"We received more calls about this party than the we did the time some disgruntled Zoots employee started launching his own feces at people with a makeshift catapult," said Officer John Steele. "Apparently, the party has been going steady since Cinco de Mayo, which, according to freetranslation.com, was almost two weeks ago to the day. We arrived on the scene at approximately 8:30PM and found what appeared to be two elderly ladies, one of which was violently puking, along with one of the sketchiest dudes I had ever seen in my entire fucking life."

Disturbance calls were still coming into the Quincy Police switchboard at the time of this story. While officers on the scene declined to comment on the nature of the alleged charges being brought against the partygoers, they did inform the Scallion that all retired Quincy Police officers were being asked to come to the location as additional help is sorely needed.

Vice Detective Bill Schwoops, a twenty-year veteran of the force, announced loudly his shock at the event. “This shit is ridiculous! Look at that guy in there!” The unidentified male, who, according to local legend, is rumored to be 180 years old, was repeatedly seen by onlookers doing his signature pose of staring creepily out the main front window. “I swear, I’m quitting this gig tomorrow,” declared Schwoops. “I do not get paid enough to put up with this insanity.”

The three-person party, raging strong after a fortnight, had not only received complaints from neighbors, but from local businesses, as well. Many store owners simply closed down their shops as customers stayed home to avoid any possible contact with the area. Tipsy Bilboburowski, owner of an industrial waste plant two streets over, was overheard to mention that he would shut down his plant for good as it is not clear when, if ever, this outrageous shindig would end.

"This area just isn't what it used to be," remarked Glenn Glynn, an exotic masseuse who has worked at the Finland Steam Baths for the past seven years. "I don't mind watching kids eating acid and smashing OxyContins on the street corner---never have, never will. That just comes with having a business in West Quincy. But when I can't even walk down the street without getting stared down by some absolute creep in a 1970's silk shirt and a can of beer so cheap they don't even sell it at the Brewer's Corner packy, that's when I call it quits. Those cops aren't gonna be able to do shit about that party---it's just been going on too long---it's become too strong. I've seen at least twenty cops go into that place and not a single one of them have come out. The only thing that happens is the party just keeps getting louder. It's like those three are just absorbing the power of anyone who enters."

More on this breaking story as it unfolds. Until then, the Scallion recommends that all passersby avoid going anywhere near West Quincy, and, at the very least, stay the fuck out of that godforsaken house.

Ritz Motel announces reopening in North Quincy

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Against the wishes of both the public and it’s own management, the infamous Ritz Motel in North Quincy is reopening this summer as part of Mayor Thomas Koch's publicly panned "Saucy Moves" campaign.

Thrice voted the “Sketchiest Shade Hole” in Quincy Seedy Motels Magazine (1992, 1993 and 1998), the Ritz Motel was the location of numerous indescribable acts of inhumane behavior over the years. Closed down by the city several years ago due to pressure from both Capital Hill and PETA, the Ritz has decided to open it’s doors once again, causing a general feeling of disgust to rush through the city.

“That place was the worst,” remarked Val Vickson, a part time bookie and owner of the Ritz. “I just can’t believe it’s reopening. I never wanted to hear those words”.

Neighbors of the establishment were equally appalled. Hark McGark, an unfortunately named unemployed plumber who declined to give his address, stated that the motel was “wicked disgusting” and “the place where dreams go to die.”

Others in the area recalled horrific tales from their past. "I was staying there for an hour once," commented Geraldine Grimplesche, a short order cook from Hough's Neck. "I used to take my lunch break there and read romance novels. It was obviously a gross place, but where else can you rent a room in fifteen minute intervals? I got pregnant two times just from sitting on the bed there once. I don't even know how that happens. I can think of one way---just one---but it's fucking disgusting. I'm gonna go home and boil myself now."

"The mayor has no clue what he's doing," said Matty Southside, a former South Quincy legend. "Clearly, he has no idea the breed of filthy, ridiculous freaks this is gonna bring in from over the bridge. I knew a guy who used to drink at the Cathay Pacific all night long and just stare at the old whores until he couldn't take it anymore. Next thing you know, he's at the Ritz Motel, cranking one out in the sink. What a nasty dude that guy was. I don't care if the mayor gets Billy Mays to pitch this shit at top volume on every cable access station in the city---it's not gonna work."

Quincy gynecologist makes bold business move

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

A local gynecologist has stirred up quite a bit of controversy over the weekend with his decision to put up a 'HOT CHICKS ONLY' sign on the front door of his business. Dr. Juan "Bleeding Gums" Fernando, owner of Juan's Famous OB/GYN & BBQ Rib Shack, was more than happy to shed some light on his side of the story.

"I think it's a misunderstanding," he explained. "If a fat chick wants to buy some ribs off me, I'm totally fine with that. My barbecue rib shack would go out of business if I didn't cater to fat chicks. I'm a businessman, I'm not stupid. The sign was for the OB/GYN side of the business. I probably should have been more clear on that."

Dr. Fernando was almost assaulted yesterday as he attempted to leave his business and meet up with a few friends for a night of drinking. Authorities were dispatched to the scene, where they found a large group of rather disgusting looking women, all protesting the doctor's decision to refuse service to those with a more unsavory appearance. The doctor was then taken into police protection for the night, causing him to miss what was described as "the best fucking party ever."

"I'm not saying it's right," said Officer Gruff McGraw, a known badass. "But I understand. Who am I to tell this guy how to run his business?"

Recent study conducted by scientists shows that "time is money up in this world"

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

A recent study has finally proven the Neal Diamondz theory of "time is money up in this world." The reportedly complex study, which was conducted by an insane amount of scientists, was performed in the basement level of the mini-complex formally known as "The Maggot's Nest" in West Quincy.

"Further research shows that the more time people spend at work, the more money they make," said Stina Bellcamp, a veterinarian whose presence was legally required to ensure that no animals were hurt during the testing. "We have found what appears to be a direct link between time and money, and can state that they are both, in fact, up in this world. In the world of biomedical veterinary science, it's truly the only concrete theory that holds up."

The theory began in the late nineties when local rap artist, Neal Diamondz, wrote "Sayin' She's My Lady," a fan favorite among Quincy's lowbrow community. The song itself was praised by critics, and was considered by many to be a complex study of conflicting emotions when dealing with the trials and tribulations of a life full of bitches and hoes. Since it's release, Neal Diamondz has remained one of the leading artists within his genre, becoming known for his tongue-in-cheek lyrics, flashy attire, "who cares" attitude, and visually stunning performances.

"I'm a scientist," said Dr. Calvin Funkenstein, a local scientist known for his wacky adventures in the research lab. "If there's anybody out there that's gonna prove something, it's me. Is time up in this world---yes. Is money up in this world---of course it is, I make a shitload of it. Using this flimsy equation, one can easily conclude that if time equals this world, and if money also equals this world, then time must, in fact, also equal money. 'Time = Money (Up in this World)' is the new 'E=MC²,' except this time, people can actually explain what it means. It's simple shit, really. It's just the transitive property you learn in high school algebra. You don't even actually have to be a scientist to come to the conclusion, it just helps."

Neal Diamondz was unavailable for comment on this matter, however, if he had commented, it is assumed that the ladies would have been all up on that shit.

Download: Sayin' She's My Lady (MP3 File)

Homeless residents at Father Bill's Place make vague threats of revolution, demand higher quality ingredients in their bagel pizzas

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Homeless residents staying at Father Bill's Place in Quincy have made it known that they have full intentions of starting an all-out revolution against the city unless they are provided with better ingredients for their bagel pizzas.

Father Bill's Place, which is privately funded, was founded by Father William McCarthy in 1982. Since then, Father Bill's Place has provided multiple services for rehabilitating drug abusers, mentally disabled men and women, down-and-out VCR repairmen, those who like to take it easy, and people who just basically feel like they are exempt from actually working for a living.

"We've been seeing a tougher crowd here lately," said Doris Fundenbacher, an employee at the Father Bill's Place in Quincy for over twenty years. "Every once in a while some group of up-and-coming homeless guys will team up and start making ludicrous demands. It seriously never ends. First it was the foaming hand soap demands, then they wanted the Viva paper towels, then there was the whole Z. Cavaricci fiasco, and now it's better ingredients for their bagel pizzas."

Bagel pizzas, as most people already know, have a long standing reputation as a favorite meal of the homeless. The meal is even widely credited with having been discovered by them in 1985 after a vagrant train-hopper named Lawrence Pewk III rummaged threw the garbage of the now defunct Wollaston Candy Factory for a meal. Having found what looked like the remnants of one worker’s lunch resting comfortably on the remains of another, presumably unrelated, coworker’s breakfast, Pewk knew that history, as well as his dinner, had been made. This story was not entirely lost on the residents of Father Bill’s, although many employment opportunities were. Taking into account the history of bagel pizzas amongst the homeless, some have stated that these recent demands are arguably understandable.

"There's nothing wrong with what these people are asking for," said John Schnatter, founder of Papa John's Pizza. "Better ingredients, better pizza. At least that's what I always say. I just wish they'd buy the pizza from me."

Paul McGranite, author of Homeless People Ruin Everything, had a different take on these demands. "I'm no doctor," he explained. "But these guys are certifiably fucked in the head. What kind of people demand better quality ingredients in their already free pizza? Not only are these people demanding better quality food, they're also adjusting for inflation when it comes to their begging tactics. Begging for spare change has become asking for a couple dollars, asking for a cigarette has turned into asking for an entire pack---what's next, are they gonna ask if they can throw your girlfriend on the ground and then have sex with her face?"

At this point, nobody knows if these demands will be answered with compliance, or whether they will just be tossed aside into the pile of unanswered ultimatums the homeless have made over the years. Until then, Father Bill's Place has promised to keep serving bagel pizzas, no matter what the ingredients.

Local police officer brought up on multiple charges after accidentally murdering over thirty surprise party attendees

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Officer Nico Haylen, last in the news after a botched attempt to remove a cat stuck in a tree on Hancock Street ended with three dead, will yet again face charges of extreme negligence and public endangerment. Charges of murder, however, were dropped before the case even began, making this case the first to comply with the mayor's controversial new "Cops Can Never Be Charged With Murder" policy.

It all started at approximately 6:00PM last night, when Officer Nico Haylen arrived at his home after a day of civil service. It was just after getting home when Haylen allegedly filled his living room with armor-piercing bullets, killing thirty-two of his friends and family members, all of which were gathered together for a surprise party celebrating his 30th birthday.

"This is nothing less than a witch hunt," claimed Sol Shrewdman, Haylen's on-call attorney. "These people are looking to crucify an innocent man. Where I come from, you don't just jump out of the shadows and yell 'surprise' to somebody who has a loaded gun in his hand. That's a recipe for disaster. My client had absolutely no intentions of harming anyone, he was merely trying to protect his friends and family. The fact that the victims ended up actually being his friends and family is the real tragedy here. The media, yet again, has spun its web, and this time they're looking to make my client appear like a man who has no business upholding the law. They'll tell you all about how three people ended up dead when he was attempting to save a cat. You know what I think of when I hear that story? I think about a man who went above and beyond to try to save a cat, out of the kindness of his heart, and his undying desire to keep Quincy safe. See what I'm saying? It's all in how you spin it. The media can make the best things sound so bad."

"I disagree," claimed Johnny Yahbro, a local youth known for loitering in 7-Eleven parking lots. "This guy is a mad man. This isn't the first time he's pulled something like this either. Isn't this the same guy who was firing rounds off on the beach earlier this week? Every single time I hear this dude's name, somebody takes one in the face."

In addition to the accidental slaying of three on Hancock Street and the allegations of firing his weapon on a public beach, Haylen is currently being sued by Comcast Cable Company for the wrongful deaths of five of their employees. Representatives of Comcast have alleged that Haylen would schedule an appointment to have their trademark On Demand service installed, but then forget about scheduling it, causing him to panic when the cable installer showed up, thinking it was an intruder. Using his standard issue Desert Eagle .50 caliber gun, Haylen would fire twenty-to-thirty “warning shots" aimed directly at his front door. "These would obviously annihilate the door and kill the cable guy every time," explained Craig Lupredo, a representative of the well known cable provider. "Apparently, this particular officer is still ignorant on the concept of warning shots being fired away from the target."

Nico Haylen, if convicted, will face a two-week, unpaid suspension.