Gulf oil spill hits close to home for local feline

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

The Gulf of Mexico oil spill has affected many since the drilling rig explosion of April 20th, but none more than local feline Smokey San Pedro.

San Pedro, who is said to have been in a clinically depressed state for the past six weeks, was diagnosed with bipolar disorder earlier this year, a condition that has prevented him from performing normal daily tasks for quite some time.

"In his heart, there is a great sadness," said San Pedro's owner, Juanita O'Keefe-Clark, a twice-divorced mother of six. "A black cloud has cursed his soul."

Believing his decline in mental state to be stemming directly from the recent oil spill, O'Keefe-Clark began forbidding San Pedro to watch television during peak news hours. This, of course, resulted in an epic battle for supremacy, which, in turn, ended with San Pedro filing for separation from his owner of four years.

"You can't tell a cat to stop watching the news," said one neighbor.

But while some have pointed out flaws in O'Keefe-Clark's style of feline parenting, others have questioned why a cat is even allowed to file separation papers.

"It's just a cat," another neighbor said. "Who cares about it's feelings?"

When asked why the recent oil spill would affect San Pedro so deeply, Dr. Wayne Jetski, who has worked with San Pedro since January, could not say.


Dr. Wayne Jetski, who was unable to help with this story in any way.

"I honestly couldn't say," remarked Dr. Jetski. "I have an overabundance of clients, it's easy to get them confused. I also haven't been sleeping very well lately."

It was later revealed that San Pedro is Dr. Jetski's only feline patient.

Mysterious car wreck appears at front steps of local high school, "happens every year," kids say

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the cell phone in Quincy Center

A mysterious car wreck has appeared at the front steps of Quincy High School again, causing many residents to slow down and look at it while passing.

But what may seem like an isolated event has apparently been an ongoing problem at the school, reportedly happening every year around prom time.

But how does the car get there? And where does it come from?

The answers to these questions may never be known, as it appears even the school's administration is baffled by this seemingly annual occurrence.

"Beats me," said Principal Jaswald Suppertime. "It's definitely not my car."

While a banner on the side of the vehicle declares that it was donated by Schlager's Towing, of West Quincy, some believe that this is nothing more than a clever trick, designed to deflect inquiring minds from discovering the car's true mysterious origin.

Local gas station to auction off historic camper

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of a cell phone in Merrymount

Bearde's Gulf station on Route 3A has agreed to auction off a historic camper to raise funds for Quincy High's new Gonorrhea Awareness program.

Owner and proprietor Jim Bearde, a longtime advocate for STD awareness, is also said to be a known carrier of the bacterial infection.

The Chevrolet G-Series camper, which has been owned by various locals since the late-1970s, has a long history in the Granite City, and is said to be worth over a thousand dollars. This estimate, however, while confirmed by amateur auto appraisers, has been disputed by those who are certified in the field.

"This is a great opportunity," Bearde said. "This van has so much history."

Just last year, Andre, the former owner of Andre's Market in Wollaston, received a full blood transfusion in the back of the van, in an attempt to rid him of AIDS.

In 2003, the infamous "Case of the Adams Shore Virgin" was brought to a close, as James "Slinka" Benuto deflowered Quincy High School cheerleader Cheryl Shawmack. Footage from this escapade was shortly after uploaded to Benuto's home computer, where it was then played constantly on YouTube and MySpace until Shawmack's suicide a month later.

In 1998, a Wollaston girl was fingered in the van by the bassist of Papa Roach.

In 1993, a Germantown father of three was arrested for using the van to manufacture methamphetamine, which, at the time, was known by the name "ice."

And in 1981, lifelong Quincy resident Jeff Brophy was born in the back of the van, after his mother refused to pay the emergency room deductible required by her Blue Cross Blue Shield plan. Jeff Brophy would later go on to drastically lose a 2009 Quincy mayoral campaign to incumbent Mayor Thomas Koch.


Jeff Brophy, celebrating Christmas of 2007 in a near-blackout.

"This auction is going to change the face of everything," Bearde optimistically added. "I'm expecting a really high turnout for this one. It's such an amazing van, with such a rich history to it. And it's for a really great cause, too. Kids these days need to be aware of gonorrhea. It's real and it's all around us. Trust me."

The auction will be held on Saturday afternoon in the basement level of the former Quincy Records & Tapes, where the starting price will be $1,200, although experts have predicted that the van may sell for as high as $1,500.

For tickets to this auction, please call Jim Bearde at 617-472-9161.

Quincy man stabbed by two assholes on Hollis Ave.

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

A Quincy man was stabbed by two young men as he walked home after midnight from the North Quincy MBTA train station, police are reporting.

At this time, the man's name has not been released, although demographic experts believe he is most likely of Irish or Asian descent.

As reported by more reliable news sources, the man attempted to fight the two culprits off, and was stabbed in the abdomen. The pair then fled towards Hancock Street in the direction of Boston.

Both men were reported to have been wearing Adidas shell toes.

Police responded to the call at approximately 12:30am, to find an unexpectedly bright crime scene, possibly due to the illumination of the Aurora Northquincyalis.

"We found a knife with a three-inch blade on the ground," said Officer Nico Haylen, who made no attempt to hide the fact that he was also wearing Adidas shell toes. "It was covered with blood. But, like I said, it was pretty small. If the perps had a little better taste in knives, the victim would probably be dead right now."

The stabbing took place on the very same street Atlantic Middle School is on, although authorities do not believe this has anything to do with the crime.

In regards to the recent rise in violence in the North Quincy area, reporters reached out to Body Xtremes owner and everyday normal guy, Mik Miller.

Body Xtremes owner Mik Miller, a completely average man-about-town.

"I have no idea why North Quincy is becoming so violent," Miller reported, as he plunged a 14 gauge piercing needle through the nipple of some trashbag whore.

Quincy Police have asked that anyone with information on this recent stabbing please call the detective bureau at 617-745-5764.

For more information on Mik Miller's face, take an entire sheet of acid.

Squantum residents compete for position of great nobility and power, legendary license plate

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

Squantum residents took it to the streets in an epic battle for supremacy this weekend to see who would be given the right to use their official license plate.

The "SQNTUM" license plate, which was given to the 17th century Native American inhabitants of Squantum by English colonists in exchange for a bag of mollusks, has been given to a new resident of the peninsula each year since.

Every year, near the end of spring, residents of this tightly-knit community gather together to challenge each other in games of sport, intellect, and feats of strength.

He who survives to the end of these challenges is made the King of Squantum for a term of one year, and is given the license plate as his crown.

But with great rewards can also come vast corruption. Or so it seems.

Most recently, controversy was abound when Squantum resident Jacia Hearn was disqualified from the javelin tossing contest when it was determined that his javelin was being operated by a makeshift remote control.

In 2006, Bernard Koch, cousin of Mayor Thomas Koch, was twice disqualified from a headbutting match after judges realized that all members of the Koch bloodline have heads the size and density of an oil drum filled with Quikrete.

But when did these dirty tricks and illegal maneuvers begin?

Some say that the urge to cheat has always been there, but most believe it began in 1876, when Daniel "Swing Vote" Robittaile, a simple dockhand from Pratt Road, attempted to win the sympathy contest just by being black.

Being fairly unfamiliar with the ways of black people, the Squantum residents did the only thing they knew how to do: take him to the shoreline of Nickerson Beach and carve his right hand off, covering him with honey and leaving him for the bees.


The Squantum townspeople, tearing Robittaile apart after the alleged cheating fiasco.

"I don't know what Robittaile expected," said Teddy Crumble, great-grandson of then-judge Festus Crumble. "The sympathy contest was a major part of that year's festivities. But you had to work for it, you couldn't just milk it with something obvious. Of course they were gonna feel bad for him. He was fuckin' black!"

The legend of Daniel Robittaile has been disputed by many Quincy historians.

Going along with Squantum tradition, the winner of this year's event will not be announced outside of the peninsula, as the King of Squantum moniker is merely an unofficial title that bears no actual political power.

Dairy Freeze sign predicts yet another celebrity death, this time more vaguely than before

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Actor Gary Coleman died earlier this afternoon, due to an intracranial hemorrhage, making yet another Dairy Freeze celebrity death prediction come true.

Dairy Freeze, who has served the Quincy community delicious ice cream and fried foods for hundreds of years, is also known for it's cryptic forecasts of death.

Just last year, in fact, Dairy Freeze foretold the exact date of death for pitchman Billy Mays. Prior to that, the popular ice cream stand had precisely predicted the deaths of actress Farrah Fawcett and singer-songwriter Michael Jackson.

According to neighborhood residents, Dairy Freeze has eluded to Coleman's death multiple times since the 1978 pilot episode of NBC's Diff'rent Strokes.

"How could they have known?" one resident asked. "It's so eerie."

But as the questions accumulate, the answers appear to be far from reach, as representatives of Dairy Freeze have so far refused to make any official comment.

As to what fuels Dairy Freeze's secret power, the world may never know.

City workers up to same old fucking tricks, devise plan for free prescription meds

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of a cell phone on Wollaston Beach

City workers are up to their usual antics again, this time asking that residents drop off their household hazardous waste and unused prescription medication.

But what may appear as a helpful city service to some is nothing more than a shameless attempt for city workers to rifle through the pill collections of unsuspecting residents, setting aside the valuable painkillers for themselves.

City workers, who are known for their incessant opiate addictions, have long since been involved in the high stakes world of backroom pill popping, often partaking in the use of Percocet, Codeine, Vicodin, OxyContin, Dilaudid, Hydromorphone, Oxycodone, Hydrocodone, Morphine, and Methadone.

"There's no way all those pills are gonna be disposed of," said city worker Vance McGuard. "Those DPW boys will tear through those things like vultures."

Vance McGuard asked that his name not be mentioned in this article.

Each year, approximately 6-8 million prescription pills are dropped off to local DPW yards in the United States, about 3-4 million of which are never accounted for. At this time, there is no central data reporting agency for DPW prescription medication drop-offs, so these numbers are estimates.

"There's a lot of things going on these days," McGuard added, as he carefully washed the time release coating off his 80mg OxyContin. "A lot of things indeed."

For more information on pill addiction, look at a city worker's face.

Asian man infuriates residents by refusing to return bicycle to rightful owner

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of Little Johnny Spicy Pants

For years, Han Sook's neighbors thought he was nothing more than a simple Asian man. Just another sucker who thought he could achieve the American Dream.

From the paved front lawn, to the constant unfinished projects going on in his backyard, to the mid-nineties Toyota Previa minivan with absolutely no power steering, everything appeared normal. At least on the outside.

But what the people of his quiet neighborhood never knew is that Sook had been joyriding their children's bicycles and then leaving them wherever he saw fit.

It was an act of vandalism that Sook had been able to commit off the radar for a number of years, as a lack of communication between police and neighborhood watch officials paved way for a free-for-all of theft and petty crime.

But in the early morning hours of Sunday, when a city councilor woke up to find the bicycle he uses to get home drunk from the Irish Pub to be missing, the people of Montclair had finally had enough.

The city councilor asked that his name not be mentioned in this article.

"We responded to a call about a missing bicycle on Taylor Street," said Officer Nico Haylen. "By that point, it was already the fourth complaint we had received about something of that nature in the past week alone. It wasn't long before all the clues we uncovered began to point directly to Mr. Sook."

Sook, who vehemently denied knowing the English language, refused to comment on this matter, although rode away on a bike matching the city councilor's description.

According to police, Sook has so far refused to return the bicycle in question.


Han Sook, as he rode past reporters yesterday afternoon.

"When we arrived at the suspect's home, we found three bicycles in the basement," Haylen continued. "The suspect was uncooperative and had to be restrained and outmaneuvered on several occasions."

As reported, the serial numbers on all three bicycles had been removed, making it virtually impossible to prove they are the same ones that were stolen.

"These are scary times," one neighbor said. "This used to be the type of neighborhood where you could leave a hundred dollars on your front steps and wake up to find at least fifty of it still there. Now, I bet they'd take it all. These fucking Asians will bleed us dry if it's the last thing they do. If I said it once, I've said it a thousand times; this won't end with just bicycles."

Quincy Center sandwich salesman’s license revoked over alleged deli meat scam

Article by Brunk Edwards and Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

A Quincy Center salesman’s commercial food license has been revoked indefinitely after allegations of a scam involving forged documents was brought to light.

Val Vickson, 29, of Farrington Street, appeared before Judge Heathcliff Dagwood in the frozen food section of Super Stop & Shop, as the Quincy District Courthouse is currently being fumigated after several complaints of flying scorpions.

Vickson, shivering violently in his sleeveless "Big Johnson Bar & Casino" shirt, pleaded not guilty to forging signs for his sandwich shop, which indicated that he exclusively used Boar’s Head quality deli meats.

The signs were discovered to be forgeries when a customer noticed the company's name misspelled as “Boarz Hed,” along with the horrifying similarities between Vickson’s sandwiches and Lunchables brand snacks.

Vickson was unable to be reached for comment on this article.

Hough's Neck bus loses windshield wipers, brake lights mid-route, area mechanics baffled

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

The MBTA's 216 bus lost its windshield wipers and brake lights during a routine trip to Hough's Neck this morning, causing temporary holdups on Sea Street.

The bus, which had just passed a standard safety inspection less than a month ago, was said to have experienced the electrical failure as it headed east, past the Our Lady of Good Counsel Parish. Both functions stopped working simultaneously.

But what could have caused this unexpected and tragic malfunction?

Some say that the problem was merely coincidental. Others, however, have taken to point fingers at the chief automotive inspectors of the MBTA.

"We're going to need to investigate this further," remarked Jim Bob Dunkin, who oversaw the safety inspection of the vehicle last April. "I've seen brake light bulbs go bad before, but never both at the same time. That's very peculiar."

As to why the windshield wipers would act up, Dunkin declined to comment.

Bus driver Annie Porter was unable to be reached, as she was treating post-traumatic stress from the incident with a couple of cold ones at the Presidential Pub.

According to passengers on the bus, Porter remained calm throughout the ordeal, although expressed several vague signs of nervousness and frustration.

"Another bus driver would have just pulled over and given up," one passenger said. "But she just kept going and made all the stops. It was like something out of the movies. If it wasn't for her, I would have gotten home much later."

Representatives from the Blue Hill Observatory in Milton also commended Porter, as local weather reports were shown to have been at a constant drizzle.

Local park to honor dead man with statue

Article by Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Donnie James Rio, a fondly remembered shuttle bus rider from Montclair, died last Thursday after playing 152 straight hours of the Nintendo game, Duck Hunt.

Rio, whose measly top score of nine ducks killed left a bitter aftertaste to his life, will be memorialized in statue-form at a local park to be named later.

Mayor Koch’s office was unavailable for comment on this matter, although his automated voicemail system oddly wished all a “triumphant Veterans Day.”

Jade Tree Records signs Coffee Break Café to three-year record deal

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

The Coffee Break Café in Wollaston has been signed to a three-year record deal by Jade Tree Records, representatives of the coffee shop have announced.

Jade Tree, the Wilmington, Delaware-based record label, began operations in the early-nineties, and are known for releasing popular, independent acts, such as Alkaline Trio, The Promise Ring, Lifetime, Jets to Brazil, Onelinedrawing, Avail, and, to a much lesser extent, Kid Dynamite.

As reported, the contract will provide free promotion in Cambridge and Allston.

While the local coffee shop expressed enthusiasm and eagerness towards what this record deal may bring them, no one could say for sure what that may be.

"It doesn't matter what the contract is," one customer said. "Coffee Break is the most highly-regarded independent coffee shop around. It's like they took all the bass lines from Pavement's first album, combined them with the lyrical integrity of Highway 61 Revisited-era Bob Dylan, tossed in a little bit of Neutral Milk Hotel's eclectic instrumentation and mystique, and somehow figured out a way to make it into a cup of coffee. This is good day for music fans and coffee drinkers alike."

Mik Miller running out of ideas for disturbing facial tattoos, promises to make body "more extreme"

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Mik Miller, owner and proprietor of the Body Xtremes Tattoo and Piercing shop at 417 Hancock Street, is running out of ideas for disturbing facial tattoos.

Miller, who has a longstanding history of being the most ridiculous looking human alive, expressed hope that he would soon think of something, although appeared to be stuck in what friends and family described as a "creative stalemate."

"He's just out of ideas," claimed piercing apprentice Chuck Wellington.

Miller, who became Massachusetts' first licensed and registered body piercer in May of 1996, has a total of 3,986 tattoos, over half of which are above the neck.

"I don't even know what else he could get," Wellington added. "Just on his face alone, he already has a lobster, a crab, a scorpion, and countless spiders and insects. In the realm of disturbing images, that pretty much covers it."

While some believe Miller couldn't possibly offend the public with his display of facial recklessness any more than he already has, others tend to disagree.

"I know he can do it," one supporter remarked. "He'll think of something."

While the controversial piercing tycoon vows to maintain shock appeal in the Granite City by continuously making his body "more extreme," expert tattoo forecasters have been unable to predict the exact nature of his next tattoo. Theories on what this tattoo may be have ranged from a "dragon with gigantic testicles" to a "funky, breakdancing vulture," although none have been substantiated at this time.

Joe Piscopo impersonator conjures up bad memories for locals, has residents on edge

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

A Joe Piscopo impersonator has created quite a stir among locals, causing many residents to rethink what form of entertainment they will allow in the Granite City.

The impersonator, who was said to look and act so much like the former SNL comedian that it was described as "chilling," was eventually asked to leave before completing his second act, although was reported to receive full compensation.

Visibly shaken, the impersonator appeared to be too bewildered to comment.

While it is a well-known fact that Joe Piscopo is not allowed within Quincy city limits, there is speculation as to why, exactly, this rule came about in the first place.

Some say it is a torrid tale of lust and betrayal, others aren't quite so sure.

"It was scary how much that man looked like Joe Piscopo," remarked Davey Goodness, an Easton resident who attended the event with his mother. "I don't know what Quincy's deal with Joe Piscopo is, but they obviously weren't ready for this. It was too real, too authentic. I'll never forget those cold, piercing eyes."

When asked the reason why Piscopo is not allowed to penetrate the Quincy border, City Hall claimed to have conveniently "misplaced his file."

"We don't talk about Joe Piscopo," claimed Eileen Donna Milkshake, a domestic engineer from Squantum. "I have no idea why we even thought we could handle this shit. There's too much bad blood. It was all just too much, too soon."

Joe Piscopo was unavailable for comment on this article, as his website and contact information were listed as "currently down for construction."

Headless homeless man spotted on Broad Street

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of a cell phone on Broad Street

A headless man was spotted walking into the Father Bill's Place homeless shelter on Broad Street earlier this afternoon, eyewitnesses claim.

Spotted by a vacationing couple from Orlando, the man was photographed just moments before he was able to slither out of view into the safety of the shelter, at which point authorities were alerted to the scene.

Representatives from Father Bill's Place declined to comment at this time.

According to Broad Street historians, this is the first incident of supernatural, jobless activity documented in the area in over two months.

On March 1st, Flex Edwards, a self-employed conquistador, was returning to Broad Street from a business meeting when he was violently accosted. Mr. Edwards was stripped of his newly acquired collection of Taang! Records hardcore tapes and raped in a non-sexual fashion. The culprit was later revealed by way of closed captioned security footage to be a heroin-addicted werewolf wearing a Father Bill’s Place "Homeless of the Month" wifebeater shirt.

While thousands of experts have come forward to inspect the mysterious photo, none appeared willing to go on record and verify it's authenticity.

"I know what I saw," said John Lemonshark, the Florida resident who took the photograph in question. "It was a headless man walking into a nearby homeless shelter. I'm sure of it. To say that that man had a head would be nothing short of a lie. In fact, it would be safer to assume that he had a home than it would be to assume he had a head. In a world of uncertainty, that is the only thing that's real."