Asian man infuriates residents by refusing to return bicycle to rightful owner

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of Little Johnny Spicy Pants

For years, Han Sook's neighbors thought he was nothing more than a simple Asian man. Just another sucker who thought he could achieve the American Dream.

From the paved front lawn, to the constant unfinished projects going on in his backyard, to the mid-nineties Toyota Previa minivan with absolutely no power steering, everything appeared normal. At least on the outside.

But what the people of his quiet neighborhood never knew is that Sook had been joyriding their children's bicycles and then leaving them wherever he saw fit.

It was an act of vandalism that Sook had been able to commit off the radar for a number of years, as a lack of communication between police and neighborhood watch officials paved way for a free-for-all of theft and petty crime.

But in the early morning hours of Sunday, when a city councilor woke up to find the bicycle he uses to get home drunk from the Irish Pub to be missing, the people of Montclair had finally had enough.

The city councilor asked that his name not be mentioned in this article.

"We responded to a call about a missing bicycle on Taylor Street," said Officer Nico Haylen. "By that point, it was already the fourth complaint we had received about something of that nature in the past week alone. It wasn't long before all the clues we uncovered began to point directly to Mr. Sook."

Sook, who vehemently denied knowing the English language, refused to comment on this matter, although rode away on a bike matching the city councilor's description.

According to police, Sook has so far refused to return the bicycle in question.


Han Sook, as he rode past reporters yesterday afternoon.

"When we arrived at the suspect's home, we found three bicycles in the basement," Haylen continued. "The suspect was uncooperative and had to be restrained and outmaneuvered on several occasions."

As reported, the serial numbers on all three bicycles had been removed, making it virtually impossible to prove they are the same ones that were stolen.

"These are scary times," one neighbor said. "This used to be the type of neighborhood where you could leave a hundred dollars on your front steps and wake up to find at least fifty of it still there. Now, I bet they'd take it all. These fucking Asians will bleed us dry if it's the last thing they do. If I said it once, I've said it a thousand times; this won't end with just bicycles."

Quincy goes international as Dee Dee's Lounge announces opening of dive bar in Hong Kong

Article by Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

In a stunning turn of events, former Wollaston watering hole, Dee Dee’s Lounge, has relocated to the Wah Lei Stun district of Hong Kong in a bold and brazen attempt to “turn the tables" on the things. By openly treating it’s long term business goals like a 4th grade game of checkers, the infamous beer depository has upped the stakes in the non-existent rivalry of authentic Chinese cuisine and authentic, unlicensed Quincy drunk-tanks.

Buck Tooth, the muscle relaxer popping owner of Dee Dee’s Lounge, has personally vowed to make his establishment a 24-hour “pain in the ass” to the entire Wah Lei Stun neighborhood.

“You wanna kick us out of our spot?" Tooth said. "Well, we’ll see what happens. I sold my house and most of my neighbor’s house to bring the entire Dee Dee’s Lounge building over to Hong Kong. We’re going to be open twice as late, have twice as many bad hardcore bands play, have twice as much puke on the sidewalk outside, and have roughly six times more Nowhere USA stickers on the streetlights outside. That’s a promise you can take to the bank, four-eyes!”

While it’s too early to tell if the bar will thrive in it’s new surrounds, locals who were interviewed remained highly optimistic. “Very good,” mumbled Zhang O’Douls, between slugs of counterfeit Evan Williams. Pausing briefly to vomit on his bootleg Shot Dead t-shirt, O’Douls was heard to whisper to no one in particular that “white people are pouring into this neighborhood and stealing all of our bartending jobs.”