Quincy residents unwilling to kick costly Koch habit, redheads mourn throughout city

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the Patriot Ledger

Winning the election by more than two thousand votes, Mayor Thomas Koch defeated rival Bill Phelan in the first mayoral rematch Quincy has seen in 75 years.

Celebrating his victory at the Elks Lodge on Quarry Street, Koch addressed his supporters to thank them for what had become a long and tiresome campaign for all.

“The people of Quincy have spoken,” the mayor said. “And the people of Quincy are not yet willing to give up on Koch. No matter how much of their hard-earned money is carelessly spent, and no matter how bad of an idea they know it is, the people of Quincy will always choose Koch. Because Koch will never let you down. And I will make myself accessible to anyone in this fine city who needs me. I will, first and foremost, make sure that Koch is available to any citizen who may need Koch. If you need Koch at three o’clock in the morning, then you will get Koch. No more driving around in the middle of the night, desperately calling people on your cell phone, frantically searching for Koch. No more waiting in line at parties for your chance to get in on the action. Every citizen will get their fare share of Koch. From now on, Koch will be a part of every Quincy resident’s life, and that is a promise. This city was built on people who love Koch, and I will show this city my appreciation in the coming two years. Because this is a city that needs as much Koch as it can get. Long live Koch!”

At this moment, a poorly choreographed dance number broke out, which consisted of Freak Nasty’s “Da Dip” playing at an ear-shattering volume, while the newly re-elected mayor began grinding with all who passed.


Mayor Thomas Koch, busting out a slick freestyle over the beat of "Da Dip."

“That mayor had some pretty spicy dance moves,” said Andrea Whitman, a girl who once left her pants, driver’s license, and credit card at Paddy Barry’s. “He came right up to me and put his hand upon my hip. And then, as I remember, I think he dipped, then I dipped, and then we dipped. It might have been the other way around, but I’m fairly confident it was in that order. Either way, it was great to see him. I was fucking shitfaced, and I’m always in the mood for a little Koch when I’m drinking. They just go together so well.”

Breaking out into the crowd, the mayor then grabbed a microphone and began singing along with the music until his chord was eventually unplugged by an unidentified caterer.The festivities then came to a close, as authorities responded to disturbance call and ordered all those in attendance to “go the fuck home.”

The people of Quincy then parted ways, each of them heading to their own, separate abodes. But each of them with a little piece of Koch to take home with them. They knew that they, too, needed Koch. They were addicted to Koch. And no matter what common logic would suggest, they knew that they wanted to live in a city that was ruled by Koch. They needed a city that was filled with ridiculous highway passes and on-ramps, and giant islands filled with nothing but benches and trees. They didn’t wish to keep bars like Tully’s Café or the Granite Rail. And they certainly didn’t want a Registry of Motor Vehicles so conveniently located in the center of town. They just needed to rip apart roads, knock down buildings, buy plush carpeting, and spend more on taxes. It was a dream they all shared, and a dream that had become true, at least for another two years. And with that, the entire city shut their lights off and went to bed. And they all lived pennilessly ever after.

All in all, it was a bad day for redheads.