New York City expresses risk of running out of medical supplies, causing entire country to look like gigantic pussies

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Recent reports are showing that pharmacies in the New York City area are all showing medical supplies, such as surgical face masks and hand sanitizers, to be out-of-stock. Some suppliers have stated that these items had been bought up as early as Monday morning, all due to the notoriously nervous city's rising fear of the recent emergence of Swine Flu.

"It's no surprise," said one doctor. "We have a lot of bleeding heart liberals out here, and they're not exactly known for toughing things out like they should. And don't even get me started on those Jews. Those people get nervous over practically anything. They're very anxious people."

It all started a few days ago when news sources began reporting multiple cases of Swine Flu throughout the country. From Texas, to California, to New York, more cases began to pop up. Not long after, pedestrians in New York City could be seen walking through the streets wearing protective face masks. Hours later, almost all preventative medical supplies were listed as out-of-stock, causing people to panic even further, some of them resorting to wearing white sheets over their heads, leading to misinterpretations the Quincy Scallion feels no need to further explain.

"New York City fucking sucks," said Jimmy Flynn, a well-to-do show promoter from Allston, Mass. "These people should be ashamed of themselves. It's one thing to take the necessary precautions and wash your hands, or even get checked out by your doctor, but to walk around the city with a face mask on is just ridiculous. Some countries base their entire impression of America on news they get out of New York City, and it's not really fair to people like me, who aren't wearing face masks. I'd rather get the Swine Flu and die than look like a pussy. Fuck New York."