Financial woes for Nicolas Cage worsen as Quincy-based properties amass debt

Article by Brunk Edwards and Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

Actor Nicholas Cage, best known for killing criminal mastermind, Cyrus “The Virus” Grissom, in the 1997 documentary, Con Air, appeared in Quincy District Court today to answer questions regarding back taxes owed on various properties around the City of Presidents.

Mr. Cage, formerly known as Nicholas Coppola, and almost never known as DJ Jazzy Moonbucks, remained mostly silent throughout the hearing as his Scottish attorney, Billiam Bollace, answered questions pertaining to “financially ridiculous purchases" the cash-strapped actor has made in the city.

Some of the stranger properties and items Mr. Cage owns are the stone watchtower on Wollaston Hill, the second floor of Central Middle School, a prehistoric dinosaur skull found in a Wendy’s bathroom, which scientists estimate is 67 million years old, and a Toyota Corolla found in a Wendy’s drive-thru, which automotive experts place as being over 20 years old.

Cage, when asked about these strange purchases in the Granite City, merely uttered an inaudible monologue of scattered words and movements, all done with his signature blend of awkward hand gestures and untimely pauses.

This monologue, however, was quickly interrupted as attentions were distracted by a series of computer-generated explosions, each more thrilling than the last.

Nicolas Cage, attempting to inform the people of Quincy his side of the story.

Cage’s $25,000-per-hour hi-definition light show failed to explain his purchase of a shower curtain consisting of 300 mint condition copies of The Freeze’s Rabid Reaction record sewn together.

Honorable Judge Bill Meade, however, was adequately impressed with a wild rant from the actor that expressed remorse over buying a cubic ton of premium grade Quincy granite per day for the last 400 days at a value of over $2.1 million dollars.

Cage had the granite excavated from his private quarry daily, then shipped to his four-story tree house on Elm Street, where he would grind the rocks to dust using a diamond-tipped Slap Chop® and then snort the filtrate.


Cage's four-story tree house, as seen from the roof of the Elm Street Wash and Dry.

A lengthy stay in one of Quincy’s many rehab clinics is widely assumed to be part of the defendant's plea bargain.

Sipping quietly on a hot chocolate consisting of boiling Amazonian cocoa butter and "half and half" from the South Quincy 7-Eleven, Cage mused that his days of wild spending and reckless, carefree fiscal mismanagement may be at an end.

“At the rate I was going," the actor stated. "I would have to make Snake Eyes 2, 3 and 4 just to pay the maintenance bills for the built-to-scale Titanic I have in Houghton’s Pond. And, even then, I'd still be breaking even.”

Quincy Quarries suffers steady decline in jumpers since being filled, report says

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

A recent report has shown a steady decline in the amount of jumpers at the Quincy Quarries since being filled in the late nineties. The report was conducted by a six-person team of public officials, hand selected by Mayor Thomas Koch, using city funds that would have had to have been put into the following year's budget, if unused. "After conducting the necessary tests," Mayor Koch explained in his City Hall rooftop speech. "We have determined that there has been a sufficient decline in jumpers at the Quincy Quarries, which we have found to be directly linked to the fact that it is now filled. A lot of the city's dirty laundry was buried when they filled that quarry, namely a bunch of dead prostitutes, but it's good to know that some good came out of it, too." As usual, Mayor Koch declined to answer any of the Quincy Scallion's thought-provoking questions.

Since elected, Mayor Koch has refused to go on record with the Quincy Scallion on any issues regarding the city, nor has he made any attempt to grow to the height of a respectable man.


City of Quincy graph showing the steady decline in jumpers at the Quincy Quarries
Notice the immediate drop in the amount of jumpers once the quarry was filled with hookers