The Quincy Scallion

Self-employed dishwasher nets $20 on winning scratch ticket

2010-07-13T17:21:00.012-04:00

Article by Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Don Von Bonco, a 61-year-old self-employed restaurant dishwasher from Merrymount, netted a cool $20 from local business Andre’s Market last night upon scratching a winning lottery ticket.

Von Bonco, who has carried a static expression of neither joy nor mind-numbing depression for his entire life, eased his winnings into his worn leather wallet and stepped out into the hot, summer sun, while store owner and AIDS-infested immigrant Andre clapped loudly.

“He won!” belched Andre, whose last name was withheld due to it not existing. “I asked him if he cared to risk it all for the chance to win bigger prizes, but he didn’t respond. I then gave him the twenty dollar bill and let that caged bird fly free.”

Attempts to interview Von Bonco were met with silence as he roamed carelessly back towards the general vicinity of his home.

Neighbors of Von Bonco seemed to be delighted to hear the news.

“I am delighted to hear this news,” remarked Ron Bocash, who has lived in Von Bonco’s backyard since March of 2009, due to a court order.

“Couldn’t give less of a shit about that guy,” added Jap Pandajap. “He’ll probably spend it all on buttered cheese sandwiches. That’s all I've ever seen him eat.”

It was later revealed that Von Bonco used the money to purchase an extremely used DVD copy of Blade II. It is unknown at this point whether he plans to disclose this information on his 2011 tax records.

Homeless people still not attractive, study shows

2010-07-12T10:59:00.012-04:00

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of a cell phone on Broad Street

A recent study conducted by a team of experts shows that homeless people are still among Quincy’s least attractive residents.

The study, which was conducted in the basement level of the former Quincy Records & Tapes, consisted of six highly educated individuals viewing a slide reel of Quincy residents, to which they judged each on a scale of 1-to-10.

As to be expected, homeless people did not fare well in the study.

"What do you want from me?" asked Kelvin Springtime, who oversaw the study from a library computer's webcam. "Homeless people are fucking disgusting."

Springtime was last in the news after several Walmart shoppers confused his infamous "Springtime is here" entrance call with a declaration of a change in seasons, resulting in a most unexpected rise in beach chair sales.

For more information on homeless people, hide from your responsibilities.

McDonald's unveils the all-new McMiller sandwich

2010-06-30T07:22:00.026-04:00

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the McDonald's Corporation (NYSE: MCD)

McDonald's unveiled their all-new McMiller sandwich yesterday evening at a golden tie event held at the Knights of Columbus hall on Hancock Street.

The McMiller, which is said to be designed after a local piercing shop owner, will be available only at the McDonald's in North Quincy, and is part of a brand new regional marketing campaign called "Burger Xtremes."

McDonald's representatives declined to name the piercing shop owner at this time.

While most who attended the unveiling were impressed by the sandwich, some pointed out the fact that it was nothing more than a pierced cheeseburger.

"The human body cannot digest a piercing," said area man Cheech Holbrook, who looked in on the event from an open window outside. "In a world filled with uncertainties, that is literally the only thing I am completely sure of."

Cheech Holbrook (left) partaking in a grisly scene during the after-party that followed.

If sales of the McMiller go as well as expected, the McDonald's Corporation has stated that they plan to continue their Burger Xtremes marketing campaign, possibly branching out as far as the McDonald's on Southern Artery.

Initial ideas on the drawing board show plans for a tattooed Chicken McNugget, green mohawks in Happy Meals, and a Sausage and Egg McMiller with Cheese.

"This is big," Holbrook added. "This entire city is about to fucking explode."

Witnesses claim local man takes things "too far"

2010-06-28T12:08:00.029-04:00

Article by Brunk Edwards and Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of Prince Patrick Bourbon

Local man, “Average” Joe Muscles, took things too far recently with a public display that included flexing his biceps, twirling in a circle for two hours, and instigating a session where he waterboard tortured himself using techniques obtained from a used copy of a CIA handbook.

Claiming to get more than 95% of his dietary nutrition from the new Grilled Cheese Burger Melt at Friendly’s, Muscles began screaming obscenities at a nearby pigeon, before reminding all within earshot that he was “large and in charge.”

While witnesses to the bizarre spectacle were baffled by what they saw, all feverently agreed on Muscles' overall assessment of his body.

"I'd let that guy be in charge of me," admitted Shalburt Milkseed, a painfully neurotic delivery man from Montclair. "A man like that demands respect. If this doesn't make you wanna go out and grab a Grilled Cheese Burger Melt, I don't know what does."

The infamous Grilled Cheese Burger Melt, which has already claimed three lives.

Goron Manticore, regional supervisor at the box factory that currently employs Muscles, responded to the wild scene by eating two full boxes of saltine crackers and doing a series of subpar Ferris Bueller impersonations.

“Life moves fast, eh?” gasped Manticore, as his dehydrated windpipe slowly collapsed. “If you do not pause to take look around, you could miss it.”

Manticore was found dead just hours later underneath the floorboards of his Atlantic Street bungalow. At this time, there are no services planned, as friends and family have all agreed to mourn privately in the comfort of their own homes.

Man with obvious mental issues redefines waistline, unveils all-new summer fashion

2010-06-25T14:11:00.023-04:00

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of a cell phone in Quincy Center

A local man was spotted roaming the city streets today, wearing a pair of denim jeans that took up no less than 85% of his already insane looking body.

While some believe this man has simply mistaken the definition of what a waistline is, others believe he may be unveiling a brand new summer fashion. As to where others may obtain clothes of this fashion, no one is exactly sure.

The man, whose name was not made available to the media, due to the fact he is mentally disabled, is said to reside in an inpatient treatment center on Fenno Street.

His name was later revealed by friends and family to be Chipton Smoothly.

Smoothly, who has never made headlines before today, was unable to be reached for comment on this article, as his drastically illogical sense of reality caused his brain to shut down at the simple thought of being interviewed.

Jealous residents and medical staff at his assisted living home then locked Smoothly in a piping hot broom closet, where he was found dead hours later.

Smoothly is survived by two younger brothers and six adjacent neighbors.

Governor Patrick pays visit to Neponset River Bridge project, briefed on Pony Room concern

2010-06-18T08:40:00.032-04:00

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

It seems no matter how hard a foreman on the Neponset River Bridge project tries, he just can't keep his workers from straying off and drinking at the Pony Room.

The Pony Room, which is conveniently located just over the Quincy line, in Dorchester, has long since been a go-to point for Granite City residents who are seeking to dabble in the high stakes world of the Neponset area nightlife.

But what will the Pony Room cost us in the end? Some say everything.

"I can't keep anybody concentrated on this project," complained Bill Ricka, who oversees construction on the southbound side of the bridge.

Calling in Governor Deval Patrick to further assess the growing problem, Ricka explained how the magnetic pull and allure of the notorious bar has already caused the project to be set back fifteen years behind schedule. As reported, the project was originally slated to be finished sometime before the end of 2012.

"At the rate we're going, we'll never finish this thing," Ricka added. "At any given point in the day, over half my crew is in that place drinking. You do the math."

Governor Patrick was unable to be reached for comment on this article.

Quincy residents promise absolute chaos after Celtics game, regardless of outcome

2010-06-17T07:51:00.047-04:00

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

Quincy residents are preparing for what many believe will be a full-scale riot after tonight's Celtics game, regardless of what the outcome of that game may be.

All throughout the Granite City, sports fans and beer drinkers alike have promised absolute chaos to follow what may very well result in the Boston Celtics winning their 18th NBA Finals, a record no team has ever achieved.

But in the game of unnecessary rioting, scores are of little importance.

"It doesn't even matter if the Celtics win," explained Finbar Crothers, an out-of-work dishwasher from Grafton Street. "Either way, this city is gonna explode."

Crothers was last in the news after using an electroshock taser on a newborn baby's face, after becoming too excited during the first quarter of an NBA preseason game. While he was originally expected to serve a lengthy prison sentence for this crime, the baby later invoked his Fifth Amendment rights, refusing to testify in court, leaving prosecutors with nothing to go on but physical evidence.

"The streets will flow with the blood of many," one Celtics fan declared.

This fan was later deemed to be "too cryptic" by all within ear reach, and was escorted just beyond the Quincy border by way of East Milton Square.

"Things like this have only one way of playing out," remarked an anxious Officer Nico Haylen. "If you ask me, chaos is the only true order of things. Tonight could go either way. Maybe I'll blast a drunk in the face with a fistful of quarters. Who knows? Or maybe I'll just fire a beanbag through some college girl's eye, just because I can. I don't really give a fuck if the Celtics win or lose this game. I honestly couldn't care less. Either way, I'm gonna start poppin' eyeballs out with spoons."

Officer Nico Haylen, distracted by a passing pelican.

There is still no word yet on who will win tonight's game, although experts believe that the Celtics still have a "decent chance" at achieving this goal.

For the most up-to-date information on the NBA Finals, look elsewhere.

Newspaper spill hits Route 3A to public indifference, lackluster reviews

2010-06-15T07:24:00.048-04:00

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Dozens of newspapers spilled out onto the corner of Coddington Street and Route 3A this morning, causing minor pile-ups and massive amounts of disinterest.

Thankfully, none of the drivers were injured, although several pedestrians were killed when a mid-nineties Toyota Corolla spun wildly out of control, pinning them against the stone wall of the Mount Wollaston Cemetery.

The newspapers, which had been heading east towards the Germantown and Hough's Neck sections of Quincy, were unable to be salvaged.

"I've seen better examples of chaos in my time," said Ray Skardbull. "Shit, I've had a few first dates lately that were more intense than that. Still, a lot of people died today. Whatever. Next time this happens, we'll be ready."

Skardbull was arrested shortly after on several unrelated rape charges.

Every year, it is estimated that hundreds of newspapers are lost during transit. At least half of those are believed to at one point cause a vicious accident. There is no way to currently estimate how many accidents happen in the world each day, although expert analysts believe that number to be in the thousands.

City's homeless strike envy with hard-working residents, "jobs are for schmucks," they say

2010-06-14T16:13:00.033-04:00

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of a fucking wild time on Broad Street

All throughout the Granite City, people are enjoying the great weather and fun times of late spring, but none more than the homeless community at Father Bill's.

Father Bill's Place, which has long since housed some of the city's most undesirable homeless residents, is known for it's ability to continuously look after heroin addicts and rapists, rent-free, as well it's award-winning recipe for bagel pizzas.

But bagel pizzas aren't the only thing on the menu at Father Bill's Place.

Take this past Saturday, for example, when the entire establishment was outside barbecuing ribs and burgers for an unruly group of scumbags that consisted of no less than 60% convicted child molesters and drug addicts.

The homeless residents of Father Bill's Place, having a BBQ while you were at work.

"I can't believe how good these pieces of shit have it," said Calvin Shroud. "I was busting my ass on a nine-hour shift, and these guys are out there cooking half-racks on the grill. I swear, this world couldn't be any more mixed up if it tried."

Shroud then casually ingested a lethal dosage of potassium cyanide and crawled onto a nearby bench, where he was largely ignored by almost all who passed.

And as if barbecues and all-day hangouts weren't enough, some of the homeless have actually taken to urinate on the side of Father Bill's Place itself. Becoming too consumed by their luxurious lifestyles, most claim the bathroom is "too far to walk to," leaving those who work on Broad Street with a most horrifying image.

A homeless piece of shit, pissing all over the very building where he lives for free.

"Jobs are for schmucks," one homeless man said. "Why would I look for employment when I can just kick back and eat fire-grilled hot dogs and potato salad?"

It seems that no matter how hard the working man tries, a homeless person comes along a reaps the benefits of his labor. From shelters to detoxes, the bottom-feeding leeches of society seem to have no problem finding a place to call home, while those who work hard and struggle to make ends meet are left with the bill.

To speak to a homeless person, call Father Bill's Place at 617-770-3314.

Germantown sad sack assaulted outside home for refusing to wear shirt in public

2010-06-14T14:31:00.032-04:00

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Quincy Police are on the lookout for two young men who allegedly assaulted an overweight Germantown boy over the weekend.

The boy, whose body is said by both family and teachers to be "utterly insane to look at," has apparently refused to wear a shirt since the end of April, and had already been given several warnings by the neighborhood teens.

As reported, the two men assaulted the victim just outside his Shed Street home.

One of the men was said by witnesses to be wearing a pair of black Nike Cortez, where as the other assailant was wearing sneakers of unknown origin.

"You can't really blame whoever did this," one neighbor said. "I'm sorry the kid had to get hurt, but he was really starting to bum everybody out. Even if I knew the two kids that did this, I probably wouldn't even say anything."

No further information on this case has been made available at this time.

Merrymount parents lash out against Mayor Koch using homemade signs with Microsoft clip art

2010-06-14T06:57:00.051-04:00

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of a cell phone in Merrymount

Merrymount area parents are lashing out against the mayor in the wake of publicly announced budget cuts that may result in the loss of their school bus route.

The bus route, which operates throughout the neighborhood on weekday mornings and afternoons, takes students to and from Merrymount Elementary School, which is tucked away in a near-hidden location on Agawam Road.

As of this September, the bus route may be eliminated indefinitely.

"How do you take a bus route away from a kid that age?" asked Lufa Rigno, the neighbor of a concerned parent from Greenleaf Street. "I understand that budget cuts are making it hard to make ends meet, but you can't take away buses. Without school bus routes, we are nothing more than filthy pieces of shit."

Rigno was last in the news back in 1969, after he and a fellow business associate invented the Adidas shell toe, which remains a popular footwear even today.

Lufa Rigno (right) and his business partner, holding the very first Adidas shell toe.

But while the concerned residents of Merrymount disagree with the elimination of the bus route, those who are in control of the cookie jar say it is unavoidable.

"We just can't afford to keep the route operational," Mayor Koch said. "These kids are gonna have face reality and start walking to school. They're just gonna have to suck it up. The everyday luxuries of modern living are a thing of the past, and there's no way I'm going down in this sinking ship alone. I'm taking everyone with me, kids included. A little exercise never hurt anybody."

It was later revealed that Mayor Koch once blew a hamstring while pitching underhand during the annual City Hall vs. Napoli's Pizza softball game.

For more information on Quincy's school budget, spit in your child's face.

Dennis Quaid in hot seat after all-night stripper party, faces Quincy judge for alleged assault

2010-06-11T09:09:00.036-04:00

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

Dennis Quaid is in the hot seat again after an all-night stripper party ended at Club 58 with a slew of misdemeanors and an alleged assault on an underage girl.

The girl, who asked that her name not be mentioned in this article, is Pamela Campervan, a 16-year-old junior at Quincy High School, who claimed she used a fake driver's license to get past the otherwise impenetrable fortress of the nightclub's front door. An act that club owner John Tonic finds astonishing.

Campervan has been said by friends and teachers to appear at least twenty.

Police responded to a disturbance call this morning, at approximately 1:30am, where they found an inebriated and uncommonly slithery Quaid, surrounded by girls.

As reported, the nightclub had been reserved for a personal party for Quaid.

Upon first glance, responding Officer Nico Haylen knew that something was off about the scene, prompting him to draw his weapon and unload upon the crowd.

"I could tell something was awry," Haylen told reporters. "Partly because the young girl looked familiar, but mostly because of the guilty look on Quaid's face."

It should also be noted that Haylen had been accused of having an affair with the very same girl last summer, although she later refused to testify, shortly after receiving a brand new 2008 Audi RS4 from an anonymous donor.

After backup arrived, both Quaid and Campervan were taken into custody, where Campervan told authorities the actor had attempted to tear her breasts off.

On top of over a dozen smaller charges, Quaid was then placed under arrest for assault on a minor, to which he would only admit to "tweaking her nipples."

Quaid, explaining away the nipple tweaking fiasco during Friday morning arraignment.

"I honestly had no idea how old she was," Quaid pleaded. "I had no idea how old any of them were. They were all so soft, and everything was just fuzzy."

While Judge Naples E. Maples of the Quincy District Court is given time to sift through over three pages of eyewitness accounts, Quaid's wife is expected to file for divorce, where she will most likely take the celebrity for everything he is worth.

"This isn't the last we'll hear from Quaid," said Craig Billings, a local black.

Billings then swallowed several handfuls of high potency painkillers and proceeded to make pointless observations about the rising divorce rates in the South Shore.

Mayor Koch proposes over $40 billion budget cuts

2010-06-11T07:57:00.032-04:00

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of Mayor Thomas Koch's face

Mayor Thomas Koch has proposed over $40 billion in budget cuts for next year, which would be more than enough to put the city back in the green.

The only problem is, Quincy doesn't have anywhere near that budget.

In fact, the budget for July 1st, 2009 to June 30th, 2010 was just over $226 million, leaving quite an unexplainable gap between what the mayor is proposing and what he can actually deliver. But it's politics as usual in the City of Presidents.

From budget cuts to layoffs, it seems there's no good news for Quincy Public Schools. And it appears it may be getting a whole lot worse before it gets better.

But with a man like Tommy Taxes in charge, there's no need to fear. And as long as there's still jobs and supplies, there will always be something to remove, especially if it's something unnecessary, like deans or librarians. Who needs librarians when we can just look everything up on Google?

"We're facing a financial crisis," Koch told reporters. "What I'm suggesting is that we just chisel away at the outer edges until it all works out."

But what if one of the students decides they want to learn how to read?

"Reading is an excellent way to gather information," Koch admitted. "But it's no longer a top priority. With the amount of texting these kids do, it's hard to imagine anybody needing a librarian. We need to remove whatever we can to stay afloat. We're just gonna pluck a little off the top and see what happens from there. This seems bad on the surface, but it will all unravel quite smoothly in the post-production."

It is uncertain at this time whether the mayor thinks he is filming a movie.

"If Mayor Koch gets his way, the entire school department will be eradicated," one resident said. "He thinks it's a game. He's running this city like it was a fucking lemonade stand. Somebody needs to do something before it's too late."

For more information on where Koch is taking us, move to Bridgewater.

Bridgewater's financial crisis makes Quincy residents feel better about themselves

2010-06-10T07:40:00.024-04:00

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

All across Bridgewater, residents and city workers alike are taking drastic measures to survive, as services and supplies continue to diminish.

With a public library that is open a measly 14 hours a week, and a fire department that is in danger of having to close down one of it's substations, it appears that Lady Luck just hasn't quite made her way down that far on Route 24.

But not everybody finds this news as hilarious as we do.

Take Sandy Narco, vice chairwoman of the Bridgewater Public Library, for example. Due to budget cuts, she now has to clean the shit off the library's toilets.

Don Larue and Sonny Thaves, both members of the town's Highway Department, now have to patch all 185 miles of Bridgewater’s roadways. Before the budget cuts, all they had to do was sit on YouTube all day and make money.

Mike Hearst, an English teacher at Bridgewater-Raynham Regional High School, has over thirty students in his ninth-grade class. Almost twice what he should.

And John Fingerton, who was once a high-ranking Bridgewater selectman, now spends his days giving people "ten fingers" to the second level of the Town Hall, as the decrease in funding became so bad that they couldn't even afford stairs.

"Go ahead and laugh at me," Fingerton said. "Get a good chuckle out of it."

John Fingerton, walking away from reporters with an unattended corn cob pipe.

Hearing of Bridgewater's misfortune, Quincy residents then decided to hold an all-night rager, hosted by local legends DJ Silent Partner and Stenny.

"Knowing that other people have it far worse than I do really helps to take the edge off," Silent Partner said, as he lit three Marlboro cigarettes with a flaming $2 bill. "The people of Bridgewater need to stop having sex with cows and start learning how to live like a civilized society. For them, this is a serious wake-up call. For us, it's an excuse to party. I think it's safe to say that we won this round."

Excusing himself to play a Biz Markie classic, Silent Partner began closing the party down in style. "This next song goes out to Bridgewater," he declared, as he ended the night with his own remix of Simon & Garfunkel's "Bridge Over Troubled Water."

Listen: DJ Silent Partner (MySpace)

World Cup fever reaches dizzying lows in City of Presidents, shows record-breaking disinterest

2010-06-09T10:06:00.016-04:00

Article by Brunk Edwards and Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

The 2010 FIFA World Cup, a sporting event of some sort, which is held every few years, managed to disinterest a record number or Quincy residents this year.

The contest, being held in South Africa, involves grown men effeminately kicking a ball around while keeping their hands and arms glued firmly to their sides.

Waulrice Numblord, a 40-year-old garbage collector from Finagle-A-Bagel, remarked, “I just beat my wife into a coma.” The statement shocked his coworkers with it’s stunning lack of World Cup relatedness.

Numblord was arrested shortly after, although charges were later dropped, as he recanted his previous statement, giving authorities nothing to go on.

"A criminal trial without a confession is about as exciting as a game of soccer," remarked Officer Nico Haylen, whose ongoing battle with diabetes has been both crippling and hilarious. "I couldn't name one soccer player ever, nevermind one from today. If you ask me, soccer isn't even real. It's all just smoke and mirrors."

Gulf oil spill hits close to home for local feline

2010-06-09T07:18:00.032-04:00

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

The Gulf of Mexico oil spill has affected many since the drilling rig explosion of April 20th, but none more than local feline Smokey San Pedro.

San Pedro, who is said to have been in a clinically depressed state for the past six weeks, was diagnosed with bipolar disorder earlier this year, a condition that has prevented him from performing normal daily tasks for quite some time.

"In his heart, there is a great sadness," said San Pedro's owner, Juanita O'Keefe-Clark, a twice-divorced mother of six. "A black cloud has cursed his soul."

Believing his decline in mental state to be stemming directly from the recent oil spill, O'Keefe-Clark began forbidding San Pedro to watch television during peak news hours. This, of course, resulted in an epic battle for supremacy, which, in turn, ended with San Pedro filing for separation from his owner of four years.

"You can't tell a cat to stop watching the news," said one neighbor.

But while some have pointed out flaws in O'Keefe-Clark's style of feline parenting, others have questioned why a cat is even allowed to file separation papers.

"It's just a cat," another neighbor said. "Who cares about it's feelings?"

When asked why the recent oil spill would affect San Pedro so deeply, Dr. Wayne Jetski, who has worked with San Pedro since January, could not say.

Dr. Wayne Jetski, who was unable to help with this story in any way.

"I honestly couldn't say," remarked Dr. Jetski. "I have an overabundance of clients, it's easy to get them confused. I also haven't been sleeping very well lately."

It was later revealed that San Pedro is Dr. Jetski's only feline patient.

Mysterious car wreck appears at front steps of local high school, "happens every year," kids say

2010-06-04T09:48:00.018-04:00

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the cell phone in Quincy Center

A mysterious car wreck has appeared at the front steps of Quincy High School again, causing many residents to slow down and look at it while passing.

But what may seem like an isolated event has apparently been an ongoing problem at the school, reportedly happening every year around prom time.

But how does the car get there? And where does it come from?

The answers to these questions may never be known, as it appears even the school's administration is baffled by this seemingly annual occurrence.

"Beats me," said Principal Jaswald Suppertime. "It's definitely not my car."

While a banner on the side of the vehicle declares that it was donated by Schlager's Towing, of West Quincy, some believe that this is nothing more than a clever trick, designed to deflect inquiring minds from discovering the car's true mysterious origin.

Local gas station to auction off historic camper

2010-06-03T08:27:00.048-04:00

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of a cell phone in Merrymount

Bearde's Gulf station on Route 3A has agreed to auction off a historic camper to raise funds for Quincy High's new Gonorrhea Awareness program.

Owner and proprietor Jim Bearde, a longtime advocate for STD awareness, is also said to be a known carrier of the bacterial infection.

The Chevrolet G-Series camper, which has been owned by various locals since the late-1970s, has a long history in the Granite City, and is said to be worth over a thousand dollars. This estimate, however, while confirmed by amateur auto appraisers, has been disputed by those who are certified in the field.

"This is a great opportunity," Bearde said. "This van has so much history."

Just last year, Andre, the former owner of Andre's Market in Wollaston, received a full blood transfusion in the back of the van, in an attempt to rid him of AIDS.

In 2003, the infamous "Case of the Adams Shore Virgin" was brought to a close, as James "Slinka" Benuto deflowered Quincy High School cheerleader Cheryl Shawmack. Footage from this escapade was shortly after uploaded to Benuto's home computer, where it was then played constantly on YouTube and MySpace until Shawmack's suicide a month later.

In 1998, a Wollaston girl was fingered in the van by the bassist of Papa Roach.

In 1993, a Germantown father of three was arrested for using the van to manufacture methamphetamine, which, at the time, was known by the name "ice."

And in 1981, lifelong Quincy resident Jeff Brophy was born in the back of the van, after his mother refused to pay the emergency room deductible required by her Blue Cross Blue Shield plan. Jeff Brophy would later go on to drastically lose a 2009 Quincy mayoral campaign to incumbent Mayor Thomas Koch.

Jeff Brophy, celebrating Christmas of 2007 in a near-blackout.

"This auction is going to change the face of everything," Bearde optimistically added. "I'm expecting a really high turnout for this one. It's such an amazing van, with such a rich history to it. And it's for a really great cause, too. Kids these days need to be aware of gonorrhea. It's real and it's all around us. Trust me."

The auction will be held on Saturday afternoon in the basement level of the former Quincy Records & Tapes, where the starting price will be $1,200, although experts have predicted that the van may sell for as high as $1,500.

For tickets to this auction, please call Jim Bearde at 617-472-9161.

Quincy man stabbed by two assholes on Hollis Ave.

2010-06-02T07:54:00.021-04:00

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

A Quincy man was stabbed by two young men as he walked home after midnight from the North Quincy MBTA train station, police are reporting.

At this time, the man's name has not been released, although demographic experts believe he is most likely of Irish or Asian descent.

As reported by more reliable news sources, the man attempted to fight the two culprits off, and was stabbed in the abdomen. The pair then fled towards Hancock Street in the direction of Boston.

Both men were reported to have been wearing Adidas shell toes.

Police responded to the call at approximately 12:30am, to find an unexpectedly bright crime scene, possibly due to the illumination of the Aurora Northquincyalis.

"We found a knife with a three-inch blade on the ground," said Officer Nico Haylen, who made no attempt to hide the fact that he was also wearing Adidas shell toes. "It was covered with blood. But, like I said, it was pretty small. If the perps had a little better taste in knives, the victim would probably be dead right now."

The stabbing took place on the very same street Atlantic Middle School is on, although authorities do not believe this has anything to do with the crime.

In regards to the recent rise in violence in the North Quincy area, reporters reached out to Body Xtremes owner and everyday normal guy, Mik Miller.

Body Xtremes owner Mik Miller, a completely average man-about-town.

"I have no idea why North Quincy is becoming so violent," Miller reported, as he plunged a 14 gauge piercing needle through the nipple of some trashbag whore.

Quincy Police have asked that anyone with information on this recent stabbing please call the detective bureau at 617-745-5764.

For more information on Mik Miller's face, take an entire sheet of acid.

Squantum residents compete for position of great nobility and power, legendary license plate

2010-06-01T15:04:00.039-04:00

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

Squantum residents took it to the streets in an epic battle for supremacy this weekend to see who would be given the right to use their official license plate.

The "SQNTUM" license plate, which was given to the 17th century Native American inhabitants of Squantum by English colonists in exchange for a bag of mollusks, has been given to a new resident of the peninsula each year since.

Every year, near the end of spring, residents of this tightly-knit community gather together to challenge each other in games of sport, intellect, and feats of strength.

He who survives to the end of these challenges is made the King of Squantum for a term of one year, and is given the license plate as his crown.

But with great rewards can also come vast corruption. Or so it seems.

Most recently, controversy was abound when Squantum resident Jacia Hearn was disqualified from the javelin tossing contest when it was determined that his javelin was being operated by a makeshift remote control.

In 2006, Bernard Koch, cousin of Mayor Thomas Koch, was twice disqualified from a headbutting match after judges realized that all members of the Koch bloodline have heads the size and density of an oil drum filled with Quikrete.

But when did these dirty tricks and illegal maneuvers begin?

Some say that the urge to cheat has always been there, but most believe it began in 1876, when Daniel "Swing Vote" Robittaile, a simple dockhand from Pratt Road, attempted to win the sympathy contest just by being black.

Being fairly unfamiliar with the ways of black people, the Squantum residents did the only thing they knew how to do: take him to the shoreline of Nickerson Beach and carve his right hand off, covering him with honey and leaving him for the bees.

The Squantum townspeople, tearing Robittaile apart after the alleged cheating fiasco.

"I don't know what Robittaile expected," said Teddy Crumble, great-grandson of then-judge Festus Crumble. "The sympathy contest was a major part of that year's festivities. But you had to work for it, you couldn't just milk it with something obvious. Of course they were gonna feel bad for him. He was fuckin' black!"

The legend of Daniel Robittaile has been disputed by many Quincy historians.

Going along with Squantum tradition, the winner of this year's event will not be announced outside of the peninsula, as the King of Squantum moniker is merely an unofficial title that bears no actual political power.

Dairy Freeze sign predicts yet another celebrity death, this time more vaguely than before

2010-05-28T16:51:00.017-04:00

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Actor Gary Coleman died earlier this afternoon, due to an intracranial hemorrhage, making yet another Dairy Freeze celebrity death prediction come true.

Dairy Freeze, who has served the Quincy community delicious ice cream and fried foods for hundreds of years, is also known for it's cryptic forecasts of death.

Just last year, in fact, Dairy Freeze foretold the exact date of death for pitchman Billy Mays. Prior to that, the popular ice cream stand had precisely predicted the deaths of actress Farrah Fawcett and singer-songwriter Michael Jackson.

According to neighborhood residents, Dairy Freeze has eluded to Coleman's death multiple times since the 1978 pilot episode of NBC's Diff'rent Strokes.

"How could they have known?" one resident asked. "It's so eerie."

But as the questions accumulate, the answers appear to be far from reach, as representatives of Dairy Freeze have so far refused to make any official comment.

As to what fuels Dairy Freeze's secret power, the world may never know.

City workers up to same old fucking tricks, devise plan for free prescription meds

2010-05-28T07:34:00.030-04:00

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of a cell phone on Wollaston Beach

City workers are up to their usual antics again, this time asking that residents drop off their household hazardous waste and unused prescription medication.

But what may appear as a helpful city service to some is nothing more than a shameless attempt for city workers to rifle through the pill collections of unsuspecting residents, setting aside the valuable painkillers for themselves.

City workers, who are known for their incessant opiate addictions, have long since been involved in the high stakes world of backroom pill popping, often partaking in the use of Percocet, Codeine, Vicodin, OxyContin, Dilaudid, Hydromorphone, Oxycodone, Hydrocodone, Morphine, and Methadone.

"There's no way all those pills are gonna be disposed of," said city worker Vance McGuard. "Those DPW boys will tear through those things like vultures."

Vance McGuard asked that his name not be mentioned in this article.

Each year, approximately 6-8 million prescription pills are dropped off to local DPW yards in the United States, about 3-4 million of which are never accounted for. At this time, there is no central data reporting agency for DPW prescription medication drop-offs, so these numbers are estimates.

"There's a lot of things going on these days," McGuard added, as he carefully washed the time release coating off his 80mg OxyContin. "A lot of things indeed."

For more information on pill addiction, look at a city worker's face.

Asian man infuriates residents by refusing to return bicycle to rightful owner

2010-05-24T12:16:00.046-04:00

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of Little Johnny Spicy Pants

For years, Han Sook's neighbors thought he was nothing more than a simple Asian man. Just another sucker who thought he could achieve the American Dream.

From the paved front lawn, to the constant unfinished projects going on in his backyard, to the mid-nineties Toyota Previa minivan with absolutely no power steering, everything appeared normal. At least on the outside.

But what the people of his quiet neighborhood never knew is that Sook had been joyriding their children's bicycles and then leaving them wherever he saw fit.

It was an act of vandalism that Sook had been able to commit off the radar for a number of years, as a lack of communication between police and neighborhood watch officials paved way for a free-for-all of theft and petty crime.

But in the early morning hours of Sunday, when a city councilor woke up to find the bicycle he uses to get home drunk from the Irish Pub to be missing, the people of Montclair had finally had enough.

The city councilor asked that his name not be mentioned in this article.

"We responded to a call about a missing bicycle on Taylor Street," said Officer Nico Haylen. "By that point, it was already the fourth complaint we had received about something of that nature in the past week alone. It wasn't long before all the clues we uncovered began to point directly to Mr. Sook."

Sook, who vehemently denied knowing the English language, refused to comment on this matter, although rode away on a bike matching the city councilor's description.

According to police, Sook has so far refused to return the bicycle in question.

Han Sook, as he rode past reporters yesterday afternoon.

"When we arrived at the suspect's home, we found three bicycles in the basement," Haylen continued. "The suspect was uncooperative and had to be restrained and outmaneuvered on several occasions."

As reported, the serial numbers on all three bicycles had been removed, making it virtually impossible to prove they are the same ones that were stolen.

"These are scary times," one neighbor said. "This used to be the type of neighborhood where you could leave a hundred dollars on your front steps and wake up to find at least fifty of it still there. Now, I bet they'd take it all. These fucking Asians will bleed us dry if it's the last thing they do. If I said it once, I've said it a thousand times; this won't end with just bicycles."

Quincy Center sandwich salesman’s license revoked over alleged deli meat scam

2010-05-20T14:28:00.017-04:00

Article by Brunk Edwards and Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

A Quincy Center salesman’s commercial food license has been revoked indefinitely after allegations of a scam involving forged documents was brought to light.

Val Vickson, 29, of Farrington Street, appeared before Judge Heathcliff Dagwood in the frozen food section of Super Stop & Shop, as the Quincy District Courthouse is currently being fumigated after several complaints of flying scorpions.

Vickson, shivering violently in his sleeveless "Big Johnson Bar & Casino" shirt, pleaded not guilty to forging signs for his sandwich shop, which indicated that he exclusively used Boar’s Head quality deli meats.

The signs were discovered to be forgeries when a customer noticed the company's name misspelled as “Boarz Hed,” along with the horrifying similarities between Vickson’s sandwiches and Lunchables brand snacks.

Vickson was unable to be reached for comment on this article.

Hough's Neck bus loses windshield wipers, brake lights mid-route, area mechanics baffled

2010-05-19T08:11:00.060-04:00

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

The MBTA's 216 bus lost its windshield wipers and brake lights during a routine trip to Hough's Neck this morning, causing temporary holdups on Sea Street.

The bus, which had just passed a standard safety inspection less than a month ago, was said to have experienced the electrical failure as it headed east, past the Our Lady of Good Counsel Parish. Both functions stopped working simultaneously.

But what could have caused this unexpected and tragic malfunction?

Some say that the problem was merely coincidental. Others, however, have taken to point fingers at the chief automotive inspectors of the MBTA.

"We're going to need to investigate this further," remarked Jim Bob Dunkin, who oversaw the safety inspection of the vehicle last April. "I've seen brake light bulbs go bad before, but never both at the same time. That's very peculiar."

As to why the windshield wipers would act up, Dunkin declined to comment.

Bus driver Annie Porter was unable to be reached, as she was treating post-traumatic stress from the incident with a couple of cold ones at the Presidential Pub.

According to passengers on the bus, Porter remained calm throughout the ordeal, although expressed several vague signs of nervousness and frustration.

"Another bus driver would have just pulled over and given up," one passenger said. "But she just kept going and made all the stops. It was like something out of the movies. If it wasn't for her, I would have gotten home much later."

Representatives from the Blue Hill Observatory in Milton also commended Porter, as local weather reports were shown to have been at a constant drizzle.

Local park to honor dead man with statue

2010-05-18T17:16:00.007-04:00

Article by Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Donnie James Rio, a fondly remembered shuttle bus rider from Montclair, died last Thursday after playing 152 straight hours of the Nintendo game, Duck Hunt.

Rio, whose measly top score of nine ducks killed left a bitter aftertaste to his life, will be memorialized in statue-form at a local park to be named later.

Mayor Koch’s office was unavailable for comment on this matter, although his automated voicemail system oddly wished all a “triumphant Veterans Day.”

Jade Tree Records signs Coffee Break Café to three-year record deal

2010-05-17T10:25:00.040-04:00

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

The Coffee Break Café in Wollaston has been signed to a three-year record deal by Jade Tree Records, representatives of the coffee shop have announced.

Jade Tree, the Wilmington, Delaware-based record label, began operations in the early-nineties, and are known for releasing popular, independent acts, such as Alkaline Trio, The Promise Ring, Lifetime, Jets to Brazil, Onelinedrawing, Avail, and, to a much lesser extent, Kid Dynamite.

As reported, the contract will provide free promotion in Cambridge and Allston.

While the local coffee shop expressed enthusiasm and eagerness towards what this record deal may bring them, no one could say for sure what that may be.

"It doesn't matter what the contract is," one customer said. "Coffee Break is the most highly-regarded independent coffee shop around. It's like they took all the bass lines from Pavement's first album, combined them with the lyrical integrity of Highway 61 Revisited-era Bob Dylan, tossed in a little bit of Neutral Milk Hotel's eclectic instrumentation and mystique, and somehow figured out a way to make it into a cup of coffee. This is good day for music fans and coffee drinkers alike."

Mik Miller running out of ideas for disturbing facial tattoos, promises to make body "more extreme"

2010-05-13T13:29:00.041-04:00

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Mik Miller, owner and proprietor of the Body Xtremes Tattoo and Piercing shop at 417 Hancock Street, is running out of ideas for disturbing facial tattoos.

Miller, who has a longstanding history of being the most ridiculous looking human alive, expressed hope that he would soon think of something, although appeared to be stuck in what friends and family described as a "creative stalemate."

"He's just out of ideas," claimed piercing apprentice Chuck Wellington.

Miller, who became Massachusetts' first licensed and registered body piercer in May of 1996, has a total of 3,986 tattoos, over half of which are above the neck.

"I don't even know what else he could get," Wellington added. "Just on his face alone, he already has a lobster, a crab, a scorpion, and countless spiders and insects. In the realm of disturbing images, that pretty much covers it."

While some believe Miller couldn't possibly offend the public with his display of facial recklessness any more than he already has, others tend to disagree.

"I know he can do it," one supporter remarked. "He'll think of something."

While the controversial piercing tycoon vows to maintain shock appeal in the Granite City by continuously making his body "more extreme," expert tattoo forecasters have been unable to predict the exact nature of his next tattoo. Theories on what this tattoo may be have ranged from a "dragon with gigantic testicles" to a "funky, breakdancing vulture," although none have been substantiated at this time.

Joe Piscopo impersonator conjures up bad memories for locals, has residents on edge

2010-05-12T08:02:00.044-04:00

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

A Joe Piscopo impersonator has created quite a stir among locals, causing many residents to rethink what form of entertainment they will allow in the Granite City.

The impersonator, who was said to look and act so much like the former SNL comedian that it was described as "chilling," was eventually asked to leave before completing his second act, although was reported to receive full compensation.

Visibly shaken, the impersonator appeared to be too bewildered to comment.

While it is a well-known fact that Joe Piscopo is not allowed within Quincy city limits, there is speculation as to why, exactly, this rule came about in the first place.

Some say it is a torrid tale of lust and betrayal, others aren't quite so sure.

"It was scary how much that man looked like Joe Piscopo," remarked Davey Goodness, an Easton resident who attended the event with his mother. "I don't know what Quincy's deal with Joe Piscopo is, but they obviously weren't ready for this. It was too real, too authentic. I'll never forget those cold, piercing eyes."

When asked the reason why Piscopo is not allowed to penetrate the Quincy border, City Hall claimed to have conveniently "misplaced his file."

"We don't talk about Joe Piscopo," claimed Eileen Donna Milkshake, a domestic engineer from Squantum. "I have no idea why we even thought we could handle this shit. There's too much bad blood. It was all just too much, too soon."

Joe Piscopo was unavailable for comment on this article, as his website and contact information were listed as "currently down for construction."

Headless homeless man spotted on Broad Street

2010-05-07T14:21:00.023-04:00

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of a cell phone on Broad Street

A headless man was spotted walking into the Father Bill's Place homeless shelter on Broad Street earlier this afternoon, eyewitnesses claim.

Spotted by a vacationing couple from Orlando, the man was photographed just moments before he was able to slither out of view into the safety of the shelter, at which point authorities were alerted to the scene.

Representatives from Father Bill's Place declined to comment at this time.

According to Broad Street historians, this is the first incident of supernatural, jobless activity documented in the area in over two months.

On March 1st, Flex Edwards, a self-employed conquistador, was returning to Broad Street from a business meeting when he was violently accosted. Mr. Edwards was stripped of his newly acquired collection of Taang! Records hardcore tapes and raped in a non-sexual fashion. The culprit was later revealed by way of closed captioned security footage to be a heroin-addicted werewolf wearing a Father Bill’s Place "Homeless of the Month" wifebeater shirt.

While thousands of experts have come forward to inspect the mysterious photo, none appeared willing to go on record and verify it's authenticity.

"I know what I saw," said John Lemonshark, the Florida resident who took the photograph in question. "It was a headless man walking into a nearby homeless shelter. I'm sure of it. To say that that man had a head would be nothing short of a lie. In fact, it would be safer to assume that he had a home than it would be to assume he had a head. In a world of uncertainty, that is the only thing that's real."

Level 3 sex offender found in Marshalls clearance aisle, sent to Linden House in Whitman

2010-05-07T07:32:00.035-04:00

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

A Level 3 sex offender was found roaming the clearance aisle of the Marshalls on Newport Avenue yesterday afternoon, authorities have reported.

Quincy Police detectives responded to the department store at approximately 3:30pm, where they apprehended convicted rapist Ricky Peppers, a 29-year-old waste of life from the undisputed rectum of Plymouth County.

According to the police report, Peppers was in violation of his parole.

As told by his case worker, Peppers is forbidden to go within a hundred feet of any clearance aisle, as he becomes "too aroused by the amazing bargains."

In accordance with Massachusetts state law, Peppers will be sent to the Linden House in Whitman, where he will have the chance to live rent-free until he decides to rape again. He is currently being held at an undisclosed location in Quincy while authorities can carry out the long and complicated extradition process required to transfer him across county lines.

Always available for comment was local black, Glenroyal Smoothshave.

"White people is crazy," remarked Smoothshave, in his signature blend of anger, spite and ethnicity. "Why do they always have to offend women sexually? A black man might offend a woman on a CD, or even in a movie, but never sexually."

It was later revealed that black people have offended women sexually on numerous occasions, often times ending with the birth of an unwanted mulatto child.

Glenroyal Smoothshave, telling it how it is to an overwhelmed cameraman.

"Why do white people always have to rape?" Smoothshave added. "Why don't they just go to Club 58 and pick up a stupid bitch with low self esteem? It ain't like it's hard. Just tell some chunky bitch she looks good on the dance floor, tell her you have some cocaine at your apartment, and let it all ride out from there. I ain't sayin' I done it, but what if I had? This shit ain't even about me, motherfucker!"

For more information on local rapists, check out the Mass Sex Offender Registry.

Quincy Fire Department still up to same old antics

2010-05-06T09:47:00.036-04:00

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

The Quincy Fire Department is under tight scrutiny again after more of their antics have been made public by media sources throughout the city.

Thousands of residents have called for the immediate resignation of over a dozen Quincy firefighters, demanding that City Hall take action against a department that is so out of control, some are referring to it as "the Wild West."

Most recently, the department was accused of hosing down Grafton Street resident, Cheryl Dumpa, an unemployed mother of seven.

Dumpa claims that an unmarked fire truck had pulled alongside her this past weekend and began hosing her down with a high-pressure fire hose, all while firefighters watched and heckled her from inside the truck.

Dumpa, who has a history of suing everybody, has threatened to file suit against the department, although is expected to settle out of court for cash.

Charles DuMarr, a "between jobs right now" kinda guy from Wollaston, dialed 9-1-1 last Tuesday to report a suspicious fire in the vacant lot behind his home. When no fire trucks responded, police officers found all on-duty firemen drinking in the woods behind McCormick baseball field.

“We saw at least 30-40 firemen dwelling around in the woods,” recalled Officer Timothy Shoegoo. “When we saw the words ‘no fate’ carved into a nearby picnic table, we knew exactly what was going on. They were reenacting scenes from Terminator 2: Judgment Day, yet again. I tell you, every spring this happens.”

Disciplinary action is being sought against firemen Walter Kocheck, Hu Jalopy, Carlos Santana, and Michael Fornier. With Fornier also being charged with conduct unbecoming of a city official after repeatedly screaming “I need your clothes, your boots and your motorcycle,” while completely naked.

Michael Fornier, making a giant spectacle after being told to put his clothes back on.

"These guys think they can run around and do whatever they please," commented Jake Jowels, a retired train conductor from Hough's Neck. "Aside from the obvious, name one thing a fireman has ever done for anybody. I don't care how many fires they put out, that's their fucking job. You don't see people praising me for all the hard days of work I had when I was out there conducting trains. Talk about a thankless job. I still have nightmares to this day. All these firemen do is stir up bullshit."

But as more and more bullshit gets stirred up, who will pay the price?

Just last summer, after nearly six weeks without negative publicity, two Quincy Fire Department trucks were spotted outside of Nick's Pizza on Southern Artery, illegally parked next to a fire hydrant.

"We're on lunch," one fireman said, when asked why they had parked there. "Why don't you go play with a book of matches or something."

The illegally parked fire trucks, which have yet to be explained.

Allegations of negligence and corruption continue to be made by countless residents. Representatives of the department, however, have consistently refused to make any official comment, as grooming Dalmatians and comparing recipes for 3-alarm chili appear to be more of a priority than appeasing citizens.

"This the same shit that's been going on since the beginning of time," remarked amateur historian Albert Cheeks. "The fire department is an army built to do as they please, and that's exactly what we have allowed them to do for thousands of years."

Chief of Fire (CoF) Noddy McCaulkin has announced that all allegations against his department will be looked into by a highly trained team of Internal Affairs officers, after they wake up from a weekend-long bender that began at an illegal Chinatown strip club and ended on the roof of Kennedy’s Carpet Cleaners.

Local girl turns to sex and drugs to meet boys

2010-05-06T07:39:00.038-04:00

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Samantha Rogen lacks the normal level of confidence you would expect from a healthy teenage girl. In fact, she doesn't have any confidence whatsoever. And if it wasn't for the feeling of being completely inadequate, she wouldn't have any feelings at all. She'd be nothing but a hollow, rotting shell.

At night, Samantha sits in a dark corner of her bedroom and listens to music, often times playing bands like Joy Division, The Cure, Bauhaus, and Swans.

Growing up, Samantha had always had a difficult time meeting boys.

It wasn't until earlier this year, when Samantha turned to a world of promiscuous sex and reckless drug abuse, that she really began to open up and meet new people, most of whom just blew loads inside her and never called her again.

"Samantha is totally fucked," said Adam House, a friend and fellow drug user from South Quincy. "She'd do pretty much anything to fit in with us."

But after several in-school suspensions and three arrests for public drunkenness, Samantha shows no absolutely signs of slowing down, even going as far as to threaten moving out of her parents house to pursue an acting career in Hollywood.

"She thinks she's gonna be a movie star," her stepfather explained. "She truly believes it. I don't know how many times I've told her what an insane pipe dream that is, but she doesn't listen. Not to me, not to anyone. If she wants to go to Hollywood, let her. That town will chew her up and spit her out the ass end of the amateur porn business in no time. Maybe that's just what she needs."

It was later revealed that Samantha's stepfather has one of the most massive porn collections this city has ever seen, an addiction that has crippled him for years.

Questions raised as YMCA junior wrestling program proves to have disastrous side effects

2010-05-05T15:20:00.026-04:00

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

The YMCA junior wrestling program has been shut down indefinitely due to multiple complaints of awkward behavior amongst it's participants.

Among the many concerned parents is Guswald Fendercat, a professional shoeshiner from Squantum, who claims to have found his 8-year-old son in what he describes as a "compromising position" with a fellow neighborhood boy.

"There was just something off about how they were playing," remarked Fendercat. "I can't say what it was, exactly, but it just wasn't natural."

Head wrestling coach Stephen Clubberts was unavailable for comment on the matter, although chose to do so anyway.

"It's just wrestling," he said. "It's a perfectly normal form of exercise."

Clubberts, who is now unemployed, is expected to apply at a handful of coffee shops in area, as bills at home show no signs of diminishing.

While attentions appear to be focused on the wrestling program for now, head honchos in the school department have already decided to do away with Central Middle School's fencing program, as well as Sterling Middle School's boxing program, which, as it appears, is nothing more than actual schoolyard fistfights.

"I dunno about this shit," added Fendercat, who was fresh out of a boiling hot shower intended to help him feel clean again. "It's fucking gross."

Mayor launches new Crystal Clear Koch campaign

2010-05-05T12:02:00.040-04:00

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Mayor Thomas Koch will launch his brand new "Crystal Clear Koch" campaign today, which will allow residents to confront him with tough questions regarding the city, at which point he promises to answer them as truthfully as possible.

While some have accused the mayor of concocting a shameless publicity stunt, others see this as a fresh, new take on politics altogether.

The first of these meetings will be held tonight at the George F. Bryan VFW Hall, where the mayor is expected to field questions regarding a new Central Middle School, drug abuse among children, and Adderall abuse among lonely housewives.

"I think it's nice to see the mayor showing some effort," remarked one resident.

But while some see these new, no-holds-barred meetings as a step in the right direction, others simply see it as an excuse for the mayor to eat snacks.

"If you've been to a city meeting recently, you'll know that they're almost always catered," said Pike Turner, a retired VCR repairman from Merrymount.

Stopping briefly to adjust his crotch, Turner continued. "Mayor Koch can't even make it a half-hour without eating something. And you can bet your ass it's the taxpayer that pays for all that food. But it beats being Communist, I suppose. Either way, that guy is an absolute moron. After all, we're talking about someone who still wears Hypercolor clothing to cookouts."

Mayoral aide Oskar “Burp” Douglas, who is credited with formulating the ins-and-outs of the campaign, issued a promise that the upcoming meetings will help ease tensions between the city's governing forces and the common man.

“It’s simple really,” said Douglas, as he helped his wife pick out a new puppy at the local shelter. “If Joe Nobody wants to know why the mayor's car was parked illegally in his driveway for days at a time, he just goes to a meeting and asks. Straight up. This is a whole new era in Quincy politics. No more...ugh, no, not that dog! That thing is horrific! Huh? Oh, sorry. So, anyways, this is a whole new approach to a public question-and-answer session. No more diversions and cheap tricks. Just honest-to-goodness answers.”

When asked by the shelter's staff as to how he would pay for his new dog, Douglas responded with an absurd series of cheap tricks, burps, and confusing musings before leaving quickly through the backdoor.

It is rumored that his wife eventually paid with cash.

Mayor enforces gender discrimination classes for all city departments, hires mysterious outsider

2010-05-05T07:22:00.050-04:00

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

Mayor Thomas Koch has made it mandatory for all city departments to attend a comprehensive 3-hour gender discrimination seminar, City Hall has reported.

The seminars will be held by Clyde Crisp, founder of Listen to Her, Inc.

Crisp, whose business operates out of the Monponsett section of Hanson, will be flown in by helicopter next week to present a total of twelve seminars, which will reportedly cost the city an excess of $26,000 in taxpayer money.

As of now, the only city department that is exempt from participating in the seminars is the Department of Weights and Measures.

"It's important to treat each gender the same," remarked Crisp. "It's not just men that keep a city afloat. Women have many roles within city government."

Crisp, who earned his associate's degree online through the University of Phoenix, was the former manager of the Bickford's on Mayor Thomas McGrath Highway in Quincy, where he learned the intricate details of a multi-gender workplace.

"It's a natural reaction for a man to laugh in a woman's face after she has asked him a question," Crisp added. "But this is a grave mistake. Women want to be treated as if they were equals with men, not just some cooking-and-cleaning machine who opens and closes their legs whenever we see fit."

Crisp then casually walked across the street and sat awkwardly close to a female on a bench, pressing his face against hers as hard as he could.

"I want you inside me," Crisp whispered, as he maintained solid eye contact.

Those who witnessed the uncomfortable scene all agreed that Crisp held his face even closer than Senator John Kerry had on the infamous day of the 2004 "Toddler Fiasco," when a heated argument between him and a Parker Elementary School student nearly devastated his career.

The infamous "Toddler Fiasco," which cost Kerry the 2004 presidential campaign.

"Politics are politics," Crisp explained. "It doesn't take a genius to figure that out. Men and women, we're all the same. We're all just doing our part in the daily grind, keeping our eyes on the same old prize. It ain't no thing."

Mayor Thomas Koch was unavailable for comment on this article, as all city departments were closed today to observe the Cinco de Mayo holiday.

Still no takers on missing light reflector found on Broad Street, authorities remain baffled

2010-05-04T11:43:00.033-04:00

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of a cell phone on Broad Street

A missing light reflector that was found last week on Broad Street has so far remained unclaimed by it's owner, despite many attempts to advertise it's find.

The light reflector, which appears to have come from either a Schwinn bicycle or a mid-nineties Toyota Corolla, was found by local vagrant and entrepreneur, Filbert Grapenuts, during a routine inspection for valuables.

"I've seen some things in my time," Grapenuts declared. "But nothing like this."

Going on to explain how his conscience would not allow him to keep such a valuable find, as a light reflector is a much-needed safety feature on any automobile, Grapenuts expressed no remorse about turning the reflector in to authorities.

"It was the right thing to do," Grapenuts added. "I'm sure of that."

Authorities, who found themselves unable to match the light reflector to anyone's vehicle in the National Light Reflector Database (NLRD), then placed several ads on Craigslist, hoping it's owner would come forward to retrieve it.

"Things aren't looking too good in this case," admitted Officer Nico Haylen. "After about a week without leads, cases like this have a way of making it to the bottom of the pile. I know it sounds crazy, but that's the way it works. The truth is, whoever lost this light reflector probably doesn't even realize it's gone."

Authorities are asking anybody with information leading to the owner of this missing light reflector to please call Quincy City Hall at 617-376-1000.

Rockland spokesman promises swift revenge for injured teens, hires local private investigator

2010-05-04T08:03:00.047-04:00

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

It was never meant to be anything more than a simple fight between two suburban towns. It was the stuff that S.E. Hinton novels are made of. It was just an ordinary display of misplaced rage, the perfect example of youth gone wild. But when everything about it went wrong, it became something more.

Running down four teenagers with the van he was driving, Nathan Delazook, of Norwell, was arrested and charged with attempted murder, among other charges.

All four victims were brought to nearby hospitals, where they were treated for injuries sustained during the attack. Two of the girls are said to be in critical condition and have since been relocated to Boston-area facilities.

The dispute was said to have started over a planned fight between Rockland High and Norwell High students, although authorities are still unsure as to why.

But what Nathan Delazook didn't realize is that nobody takes shit from Norwell kids, not even sandal-wearing John Mayer fans from Milton.

"Revenge will be swift," promised Rockland spokesman Colin O'Rabia.

O'Rabia, who is the owner and proprietor of the Rock Vegas Sandwich Shop and Custom Lawnmower Alterations store on VFW Drive, then began focusing his time and energy on finding a private investigator to get to the bottom of this story so that justice may be served, finally settling on lifelong Quincy resident, Kelvin Smarts.

Smarts, who recently passed his private investigator exam on the third attempt, was said to be a shoe-in for the job, as he was willing to be paid in sandwiches.

"I will get to the bottom of this in under 48 hours or you can bill me for these sandwiches," said Smarts, as he wiped a splash of Thousand Island dressing from his lips. "There is no mystery that I cannot solve, no matter how big or small."

Kelvin Smarts, who claims to be able to solve any mystery in under 48 hours.

While Rockland Police seemed to become increasingly baffled by what may have led up to this tragic altercation, Smarts remained optimistic that he would uncover the truth in a timely and professional manner, paving way for what O'Rabia described as the "most vicious act of vengeance the South Shore has ever seen."

"This town wasn't built on people who back down to Norwell kids," O'Rabia told reporters during a last-minute press conference in the basement level of Mike's Pizza on Union Street. "I don't care if the entire service department of Shaw Saab comes down here, we'll be ready. If this had been Brockton, or Taunton, or Quincy, or Weymouth, or even Kingston, it'd be a little easier to stomach. But Norwell? No fucking way. We didn't rise to fame when local legend, Jonathan Togo, got signed onto the cast of CSI: Miami, starring as Officer Ryan Wolfe, just to have some Norwell kids come down here and pull some shit like this."

As of now, no further information on this case has been made available.

While Delazook's fate remains unclear at this time, it can only be assumed that he has at least one rich and politically connected relative working behind the scenes to guarantee that he will not have to suffer the consequences of his actions.

Allegations of the driver's mother being a psychologist who claims he is a schizophrenic have already made their way onto South Shore-area message boards.

For the most up to date information on this story, please check elsewhere.

Boston water ban causes local man to call it quits

2010-05-03T07:54:00.033-04:00

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

A ruptured water main in Weston has rendered tap water undrinkable for nearly a third of Boston's residents and some of it's suburbs, affecting water service to nearly two million people in thirty cities and towns.

Among those affected is Sal O'Day, a Germantown man who found himself in complete denial over the situation, refusing to make any changes to his daily habits.

O'Day, who lives in the basement level of his mother's Section 8 housing complex on Figurehead Lane, was last in the news after several failed attempts at picking up girls resulted in a 90-day stretch at the Dedham House of Corrections.

Figurehead Lane was named after "The Figurehead," a Cure song from the 1982 album, Pornography, a fan favorite amongst Germantown natives.

"I don't wanna hear it," said O'Day, as he chugged a tall glass of ice cold tap water, unaware of the intense bowel movements to come. "All this talk about water bans is nothing more than pure filler. In my eyes, it's time to stand up and tell these so-called newscasters to think again, because all they're doing is cashing in on some bullshit story and there is absolutely no reason for it."

The broken water main in Weston, Mass., which limited water supply to Boston.

Going on to explain how he has always felt out of step with the world, aside from Germantown and certain areas of Quincy Center, O'Day then began to take on the deep maroon shade of a ripened boysenberry.

"Someday," O'Day cryptically added. "We'll look back and laugh."

O'Day was then rushed to Quincy Medical Center, where he was pronounced "not covered" by a handful of insurance companies he claimed to be covered by.

O'Day was then shipped back to Germantown, where local, "no-questions-asked" surgeons attempted a number of controversial procedures on him, ranging from late 19th century bloodlettings to a complex series of steam experiments.

"I'm calling it quits," O'Day told reporters later that evening.

O'Day then stared out the window of his basement level bedroom and watched as countless Adidas shell toes passed, each of them belonging to yet another Quincy resident who remained unaware of the severity of the situation at hand.

"Maybe there is some truth to this story," O'Day concluded, as he plucked another mushroom from his forehead. "Wouldn't be the craziest thing I've ever heard."

I wish they all could be Brewer's Corner girls

2010-05-01T10:52:00.030-04:00

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of a cell phone in West Quincy

Warm weather and summer-like conditions have paved way for the scantily clad hotties of Quincy to make their presence known, some more so than others.

Take Melanie Stain, for example, who could be seen marching up and down Willard Street, dressed like Bridget Fonda in Jackie Brown, ready and willing to get into the front seat of any man's car, no matter who that man may be.

Bouncing from one end of Willard Street to the next, Stain moved about with the carefree grace of a loose OxyContin in the pouch pocket of a faded Starter jacket. All of this occurred as the passing motorists spoke kind words of encouragement to her until she finally ended up stopping on California Avenue.

"Suck me off, you fuckin' rotten cunt," one driver said.

It was an offer that Stain did not take lightly, as she could be seen just moments later entering the passenger side door of the driver's mid-nineties Toyota Corolla, where it is presumed the two embarked upon a journey of forbidden acts and untold pleasures on a seemingly sultry afternoon.

But while some expressed interest in what Stain had to offer, others did not.

"I wouldn't go anywhere near that filthy beast," remarked Antonio Chowder, a recently divorced widower from the Braintree border. "You couldn't pay me to even look at that thing. There ain't enough money in the world. I thought the good part about this weather was that you don't have to keep filling up your oil drums, I don't wanna have to lay eyes on some West Quincy girl who actually looks like one."

Abington ironworker hit by car on Furnace Brook Parkway, vehicle in critical condition

2010-05-01T08:07:00.020-04:00

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Local ironworker, Tom Turkolio, was hit by a car earlier this morning on the corner of Furnace Brook Parkway and Quarry Street, authorities have reported.

Turkolio, a union dipshit from the small intestine of Abington, was sent to Quincy Medical Center, but was released almost immediately after, as he was determined to be "absolutely fine" by a Dr. Desmond Shaw.

The vehicle, however, is said to be in critical condition.

"I don't see this car making it through the night," remarked Alan Yip, an automotive technician who isn't afraid to admit he can appreciate a good love song. "There's just too much damage. I don't know who this Turkolio guy is, but, if he even has a conscience, he's gonna have a hard time sleeping tonight."

Turning around to play George Michael's "One More Try" at an ear-splitting volume through the brand new Bose speaker system in his service department, Yip then continued to work on the dying automobile.

It was a hopeless attempt, although one he could not resist, for even though the vehicle's days were numbered, he knew that he, as well, had to give it one more try.

Tom Turkolio could not be reached for comment on this article.

West Quincy locals chased out of Kincaid Park by mysterious group of super sexy dudes

2010-04-29T14:41:00.020-04:00

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

A group of West Quincy kids were chased out of Kincaid Park earlier this afternoon by several "super sexy dudes," authorities are reporting.

Sporting pre-faded cargo shorts and not much else, the unidentified group of males advanced upon the neighborhood youths with football in hand, ready and willing to battle it out in feats of strength and heroic acts of showmanship.

"It was like Omaha Beach," one witness said. "But so much sexier."

While no one was able to determine exactly where the group of men had come from, all agreed that their physique was quite impressive, even by Quincy standards.

"I ran as fast as I could," admitted Kenny Manlon, who has lived in the Brewer's Corner area his entire life. "I wasn't scared, or nothin' like that. I ain't scared of no one. But I ain't lettin' no group of shirtless dudes run up on me and start grabbing me. No fucking way. Not while people are watching, at least."

Authorities are currently asking anyone who knows the whereabouts of these visually appealing miscreants to please call them as soon as possible.

Local man turns heads with brave new business venture, redefines lemonade stand

2010-04-29T07:42:00.047-04:00

Article by Beak Wilder and Heather Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

Charlton Chu moved here from China in the summer of 1969, during the height of the Vietnam War, before anyone in Quincy had ever seen an Asian up close.

An aspiring entrepreneur from the "wanton side of the tracks," Chu quickly set out to make a life for himself in the land of liberty.

However, after years of eating out of dumpsters and sleeping in alleyways, Chu began to feel cheated, believing the American Dream to be nothing more than a lie.

Then, in the summer of 1982, after Reaganomics had paved way for one of the largest economic boosts Quincy had seen since the days of the Granite Railway, Chu opened his lemonade stand on the corner of Beale Street and Prospect Avenue.

But the glory days of Mr. Chu's Lemonade Stand did not last forever.

Mr. Chu's Lemonade Stand was a thriving business at first, but the addition of Minute Maid Light Lemonade at the Wendy's on Newport Avenue nearly devastated his business, as Chu, a simple Asian man, found himself unable to compete with the low prices of such a large corporation.

Refusing to give up his philosophy of only using the finest Meyer lemons, Chu eventually found himself nearing the brink of poverty, as the rise in Chinese import tax, combined with the economic recession at home, became too much to bear.

But then, after several hours of deliberation, Chu got an idea.

Chu, who had always been referred to as the "Cajun Asian" back in his fraternity days at Yale, mainly due to his love for Louisiana spices, decided that where his little lemonade stand once stood, he would build an empire.

And as history has taught us, every empire starts with a dream.

"Why only lemonade?" Chu bumbled, as he struggled with the English language like a drunk autistic kid on ketamine. "Why not Zatarain's rice?"

For years, Chu worked on this new business plan and presented it to local investors, most of them flat-out refusing to have any part of what they described as the "idea of a child," claiming it could "never work in a million years."

But Chu never even blinked an eye to these comments, party because he had faith in his newfound venture, but mostly because he has absolutely no eyelids.

Using money he had saved and inspiration from Brian Dennehy's haunting portrayal as Kublai Khan, the Emperor of China, in 2007's TV mini-series, Marco Polo, Chu moved forward with his idea, opening his rice stand on the very same corner.

Brian Dennehy as Kublai Khan, the Emperor of China, in 2007's Marco Polo.

It was your typical tale of a victorious underdog as dozens of residents lined up for piping hot bowls of Zatarain's New Orleans Style Dirty Rice.

"A bowl of rice really hits the spot on a day like today," spoke neighborhood watchman Dean Shaddick, as his Triple Fat Goose kept him protected from the harsh, bitter chill of an unusually cold April afternoon. "I don't know what he's gonna do when the weather gets warm, though. Might wanna think about maybe selling lemonade again, who knows?"

Mr. Chu's Zatarain's New Orleans Style Dirty Rice Stand will be open for business seven days a week on the corner of Beale Street and Prospect Avenue, where friends and family expect Chu to lose everything before the August Moon.

Wollaston home deemed "too awkward looking" by neighbors, ordered to be knocked down by city

2010-04-28T09:41:00.039-04:00

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of a cell phone in Wollaston

A Wollaston home has been ordered to be knocked down by city officials due to multiple complaints and at least sixteen car accidents over the past month.

The Sachem Street property, which was designed by Salvador Dali's nephew, Raymond "Ray Ray" Dali, sometime in the early 1970s, has long since been considered a public eyesore in the otherwise aesthetically pleasing neighborhood.

Neal James, a lifelong resident of the area, expressed ambivalence over the appearance of the home, although changed his point of view almost immediately.

"If they don't knock that house down, I'll fucking kill myself," James said.

It was later revealed that James suffers from dissociative personality disorder, a mentally crippling personality disorder defined as a prolonged disturbance of personality function, characterized by depth and variability of moods.

But while some residents were firm in their opinions, others were not.

"I'm not saying it's a good looking house, but who are these city officials that want it knocked down?" asked resident John Clamato. "If you ask me, the place looks like a fucking optical illusion, but I don't wanna go ahead and say it's okay to force someone to destroy their own home. This is kind of a gray area."

Nathan Chimay, a certified real estate agent with an uncertified bachelor’s degree in aerodynamics, argued viciously with the idea of demolishing the home.

“Buildings like this are absolutely necessary,” growled Chimay. “How else are you going to give directions to people regarding this street? If they knock this place down, how are you going to find your own home when stumbling home drunk at four o'clock in the morning? There is no way. A guy like me needs to be able to tell cab drivers to drop me off two houses down from that ugly-as-shit building, right?”

Chimay, who had just minutes before illegally changed his name from Gallivan Toothpaste, continued speaking loudly on the subject, but was largely ignored as a colorful parrot landed on a nearby mailbox, reminding neighborhood residents of their childhoods spent eating Fruit Loops and writing run-on sentences.

Local woman accuses maniac cat of sexual assault

2010-04-28T07:10:00.022-04:00

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

A local woman has accused area feline, Charles del Guapo, of sexual assault, claiming he made several unwanted advances on her at a fundraiser being held this past weekend at the Sons of Italy Hall on Quarry Street.

This is not the first time del Guapo has been accused of such an act.

In 2001, del Guapo was detained by airport security at TF Green, after a fellow passenger accused him of giving her a number of awkward glances.

In 2004, del Guapo was pulled over by Massachusetts State Police, where he was found with a group of underage girls and several open containers of beer.

And in 2006, del Guapo was fired without compensation from his part-time job at Hollywood Video in Whitman for repeatedly spraying Binaca in his mouth while maintaining a perpetual stare at all women who passed.

While del Guapo has declined to comment on these latest allegations, friends and family claim that he vehemently denies all charges against him.

"Charles is an innocent cat," claimed neighbor, Walter Lou Sunset.

Sunset then went on to explain numerous reasons why del Guapo could not commit such a crime, none of which would ever hold up in a court of law.

While authorities sift through the rubble of accusations set forth against the offbeat feline, detectives are asking anyone who knows the password to del Guapo's impenetrable Hotmail account to please come forward.

Hoping to find something to link del Guapo to these illegal and illicit acts, authorities have stated that they believe his password to be a series of letters, numbers, or a complicated mix of the two, most likely having some sort of personal meaning.

"As of now, it looks like he could walk," remarked Officer Nico Haylen. "It just seems like, no matter what you throw at him, nothing sticks. This cat is slippery smooth."

Mayor proposes $12.5 million budget deficit, expects drops in state aid and local receipts

2010-04-27T09:07:00.046-04:00

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

Does City Hall really need a Bose speaker system installed in every room? Why don't we charge for the methadone program? Is there anything we can do about dickheads who use Ecstasy and OxyContin to fuck our teenage daughters?

It was these questions, among many others, that Mayor Thomas Koch fielded from residents yesterday evening in his first of several financial outlook meetings.

As the City of Presidents enters what some are describing as a "grim budget season," Mayor Koch has promised to hold meetings to help residents understand where he is so carelessly dumping city money.

After taking his time to outline a financial picture that could mean a $12.5 million budget deficit next year, Koch then took a short break to host a no-holds-barred macaroni and cheese eating contest in which he was the only participant.

"I am the winner!" Koch screamed, as city residents stared in disbelief.

The meeting also served as the first public interaction with residents for Koch's chief financial officer, Nicholas Puleo, a sad looking sack of shit with nothing to prove.

"Where the fuck do you have to go to take a shit around here?" asked Puleo, who seemed unaware of how sensitive the Fore River Clubhouse's microphones were.

Nicholas Puleo, who has most likely never seen a vagina up close.

Puleo then refused to answer any further questions on city budget, although expressed hope that these problems would "one day work themselves out."

Preparing city residents for an expected drop in state aid and local receipts, Koch painted the picture of a man who was out of ideas, often fumbling through his pre-written speech, which appeared to be nothing more than a shortened version of Bill Pullman's triumphant speech in the 1996 box office smash, Independence Day.

"Today we celebrate our Independence Day," Koch falsely declared.

Koch then went on to describe a number of childish ideas he had been contemplating over the past few months, ranging from purchasing a United States dollar printing press to building a "crazy robotic dinosaur with laser beams for eyes that is able to predict and prevent a financial crisis before it even happens."

While city officials cannot say for sure how much a robotic dinosaur of this sort would cost, experts say that it would be somewhere in the billions.

Germantown yard sale proves too intense for most, raided by federal agents

2010-04-26T07:18:00.029-04:00

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of a cell phone in Adams Shore

A Germantown yard sale was raided by federal agents this weekend, who retrieved thousands in stolen goods, ranging from DVD players to Adidas shell toes.

Germantown, which has a long history of disorganized crime, has been a hot spot for stolen goods and illegal activity since the late 1960s, often being referred to as the largest amateur criminal enterprise since the Patriarca crime family.

Confiscating truck loads of unopened electronic equipment and sports apparel, as well as several hundred vials of an unidentified substance, which were sent out to be tested and analysed at the FBI Laboratory in Quantico, authorities are already hailing this as one of the largest scale busts in the South Shore area.

The yard sale took place on Germantown's infamous Taffrail Road.

Arresting lifelong Taffrail Road resident Sean "Launcha" McCracken, along with his two recently paroled cousins, both of Revere, federal agents were able to piece together the events of the day, using a series of trick questions and the drunken testimony of McCracken's neighborhood rivals.

McCracken was charged with grand larceny and possession of stolen goods with intent to distribute. He was later charged with possession of a ridiculous substance, as forensic experts in Quantico were able to determine the contents of the confiscated vials to be "Taff and Taff Half and Half," a homemade Germantown favorite, which is comprised of equal parts OxyContin and Bud Light Lime.

As of now, the only known location where it is legal to sell the "Taff and Taff Half and Half" is on the corner of Taffrail Road and Taffrail Road.

Wicked shitty photo of the corner of Taffrail and Taffrail.

"My attorney will have me home before my Tombstone pizza even gets cold," McCracken declared, as FBI agents gracefully dribbled his skull against the side of their unmarked cruiser before finally tossing him into the backseat. "Remember me, G-Town. And never forget the amazing deals I have offered you today."

Local homicide detectives baffled in mysterious case of non-murdered man

2010-04-23T15:56:00.016-04:00

Article by Brunk Edwards / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

Quincy homicide detectives remained baffled yesterday in the case of a local man whose status remained “non-murdered.”

Chief forensic analyst Russell J. Calorie issued a public statement regarding the man, currently known only as “John Doe” and previously codenamed “Moron Santiago,” as officials keep his identity hidden from the public.

“Yep, the guy is definitely alive,” sighed Calorie. “I don’t get it. He appears to be in stable condition.”

Calorie, who was transferred to Quincy’s homicide division from the cast of television's NCIS, after catching the eye of Mayor Thomas Koch, then spent several minutes fumbling with the press conference’s microphone, resulting in a mind-numbing amount of speaker feedback.

Regaining composure, Calorie added that, “We’re doing all we can to monitor the situation. If anyone has any hot leads, please call our tip line at 617-447-7106.”

Calorie, showing up to work with a pilot’s outfit on again.

Quincy Medical Center was reported to have been put on high alert for an indeterminate period of time as crime lab technicians frantically work to connect the dots between this incident and others that have occurred throughout the city.

A recent rash of “non-burglaries” in Squantum, North Quincy, and Merrymount, where unknown persons were entering stores, taking things off the shelves and leaving amounts of money with cashiers have been reported. All cashiers in the targeted stores have been fired and detained by authorities for questioning.

Wanses Boursipuot, a horse of a different feather from parts unknown, expressed dismay upon hearing of these events.

“Things have changed,” remarked Boursipuot. “I used to have faith that you were either murdered or not-murdered, alive or dead. Now, in today’s fast paced world of microwaves and remote controlled boats, I can’t even pick up the morning paper without hearing about some news. It’s a Goddamn shame. It makes you want to just throw it all away. But don’t do it. Remember one thing: never give up.”

Mr. Boursipuot was then immediately arrested for having an unpronounceable last name. He is expected to be sentenced to death by suffocation at 2:00pm tomorrow in the Southern Artery Wendy’s bathroom.

Nathan's Famous New York franks now available at Granite City's largest drug haven

2010-04-23T07:25:00.020-04:00

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

The taste of Coney Island's famous hot dogs can now be found at the Quincy Center train station, where residents can sit down and enjoy the taste of Nathan's Famous while the city's beloved homeless community awkwardly stares.

The new restaurant, which was opened by the Patel family this January, is the former home to Donut 'N' Donuts, Quincy most controversial doughnut shop.

"The train station is a very busy area," said Manny Patel, one of the owners of the Nathan's stand. "And people love that delicious New York taste."

New York, which was made famous after thousands of it's residents were running around screaming as the charred remnants of the World Trade Center fell to the ground, also has a history of making quality hot dogs.

"I think it's awesome that Nathan's Famous has come to Quincy," said Roberta Spring, of North Quincy. "Before they set up shop at the train station, the only piece of authentic New York meat I had ever experienced was the time I blew Freddy Madball in the bathroom of Darcy's Pub."

Randy Quaid skips town after racking up thousands in unpaid bills, local businesses seeing red

2010-04-22T14:10:00.022-04:00

Article by Brunk Edwards / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

Hollywood wingnut, Randy Quaid, brother of the far more talented and significantly more attractive Dennis Quaid, and famous for once completely dissolving a live pelican in a vat of simmering oil, has fled Quincy, leaving behind thousands in unpaid bills and infuriating local business owners.

Quaid, who was briefly residing in the City of Presidents while his legal troubles in California were heating up, has a history of credit fraud and spousal abuse. He is currently wanted for a string of unpaid hotel bills throughout the Southwest.

It is believed that Quaid is using his “rustic charm,” coupled with a box of free promotional "Independence Day" t-shirts, to win favor with adoring fans before running up large bills and walking out on them.

“This is unbelievable,” remarked Wario Van Gundy, owner and proprietor of Van Gundy’s Motel and Satellite Dish Repair. “He racked up at least $7,000 in satellite dish repairs and stolen hotel towels. I’m going to have to close the old place down now.”

Pinch Churkey, a lifelong Quincy resident and owner of Churkey’s Edible Cellphones, told reporters that Quaid had placed an order for 12 turkey sandwich 3G-capable phones that were never picked up. “Can’t sell them to anyone else,” bellowed Churkey. "The meat is already going bad.”

Consistently reminding investigators that he had the "heart of a lion” and the “memory of an elephant," Churkey then coughed violently for five minutes before dramatically collapsing on the floor in a pool of his own filth

Quaid, moments before casually slipping out the backdoor of Dress Barn in a stolen fur coat.

Department of Celebrity Unpaid Tabs (DCUT) coordinator Swerve Griffin announced that Mr. Quaid’s bills, including parking tickets and a Dee Dee’s Lounge bar tab from 2001, is fast approaching the $50,000 dollar mark.

“Get that guy outta here!” laughed Griffin in a completely inappropriate manner.

Griffin then paused unexpectedly, as the realization that he had given Quaid his debit card number, expiration date, social security number and ATM pin number gripped his soul like a ice-cold vice.

“Oh, dear God, no...my kids’ college fund," whispered a shell-shocked Griffin.

Swerve Griffin, immediately after realizing his colossal mistake.

Mayor Thomas Koch was unable to respond to the incident as a dispute with staff over boneless chicken at the Wollaston KFC raged on endlessly.

Randy Quaid was unavailable for comment as his room at the Presidents' City Inn had a “Do Not Disturb” sign hanging ominously from it’s door.

Breaching whale blamed for fatal canoe capsizing in Cape Cod, accused of hate crime by local gays

2010-04-22T08:19:00.055-04:00

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Homosexuals everywhere are enraged by the death of John LeTheefe, who died yesterday morning after his canoe capsized off the coast of Provincetown due to an apparently malicious breaching whale, reports say.

According to authorities, LeTheefe had been boating off Long Point at the outside of Provincetown Harbor with his partner, Michael D'Joker, when the incident occurred.

Both men were said to be longtime fans of The Smiths.

Michael D'Joker is currently being held at the Brigham and Transgender Men's Hospital in Provincetown, where he is being treated for several deep blue bruises.

A spokesman for the US Coast Guard confirmed that they received word that a breaching whale may have caused the canoe to overturn, although stated that dolphins, not whales, were in the vicinity of the canoe around the time of the accident. These discrepancies, combined with the fact that he is obviously hiding something, have caused authorities to begin questioning D'Joker's flimsy account of what actually happened on that otherwise insignificant day.

"Our boat was tipped over by a whale," D'Joker repeatedly told reporters.

But Assistant Harbormaster Luis Ribas, who participated in the rescue, confirmed that it was dolphins that were swimming near the canoe, claiming that expert sonar equipment shows no signs of whales being in that area at all.

"I don't care what the sonar equipment shows," remarked a visibly shaken D'Joker. "All I know is that a fucking whale killed my life partner."

Describing in detail his account of the events, D'Joker told the story of a whale out for vengeance, who, after circling their canoe for over an hour, attacked them in a fit of rage, knocking LeTheefe's body "almost a hundred miles into the air," where it then came crashing down upon the water "with the force of sixteen mako sharks."

"There must be some kind of way out of here," said D'Joker to LeTheefe.

But it was too late, as LeTheefe's drowning body was already pinned underneath the wreckage of their rented canoe, where it was later found by local rescuers.

"This entire incident, as well as the manner in which it was handled, is an outrage," declared Phil Miassup, an outspoken queer from the disgusting section of North Quincy. "If this was a movie, and it was a shark instead of a whale, and John LeTheefe was a heterosexual, people would hunt this thing down and destroy it. Do you see what I mean about being treated unfairly? If every single aspect of this situation was completely altered, it would have been handled so much differently. But, until America is willing to accept us for who we are, mammals of all shapes and sizes, whether by land or sea, will be allowed to act out against us as they please. Good morning, America. Consider this your wake up call."

For more information on this breaking story, keep watching the news.

HAPPY ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY, QUINCY SCALLION!

Short-lived Iranian riot grrrl scene results in massive amount of beheadings, new city resident

2010-04-20T13:26:00.034-04:00

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

A short-lived Iranian riot grrrl scene has ended with a massive amount of public beheadings in the capital city of Tehran, causing many women to flee to America.

Closest to home is Afsaneh "Cannibal" Shakiba, lead vocalist of renowned Iranian riot grrrl band, Hijab Kill, who arrived in Quincy this morning by way of the Red Line.

Recalling tales of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's horrific reign as president, as well as his brutal hold on the Iranian music scene, Shakiba spoke about her brief time in Hijab Kill, stating that, while it may have only lasted for sixteen days, the impact of her band alone was well worth the 300+ deaths that were incurred as a result.

"In my country, there is no music that is considered proper," Shakiba said. "Whether it be Peaches, Lady Gaga, or even Mama Cass, all female musicians are considered to be whores. The men in my country, they have no respect for women. Where I come from, they blame women for earthquakes."

Hijab Kill was best-known for their surprise hit, "The Anti-Pleasure Islamic Nation."

Upon hearing her story, Mayor Thomas Koch agreed to house Shakiba in a two-bedroom apartment in Quincy Point, which, according to the 2010 Quincy Census, has a large, growing population of Middle Eastern residents.

Hundreds of onlookers watched as Shakiba and her hired movers lugged box after box of her extensive record collection into her brand new 3rd story apartment.

"He who dares!" Mayor Koch yelled, as residents huddled together to watch.

Shakiba will be given the opportunity to reside at her new apartment in Quincy Point until next April, at which point she will be given another opportunity to continue living there at no cost. Expert financial analysts have stated that, while allowing Shakiba to live rent-free may not be in the city's best interests, there are worse areas they could be putting taxpayer money into, such as cocaine trafficking, amateur pornography, and Patriots Super Bowl XLV shirts.

Still no leads in tireless search for crazy Pitbull, police on lookout for brunette in Toyota Corolla

2010-04-19T07:17:00.052-04:00

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of a cell phone on Wollaston Beach

Quincy Police are at a standstill in their search for a black Pitbull that has been accused of biting the face off of local old-timer, Alf Nelson's, Belgian Sheepdog.

The incident occurred in the early morning hours on Saturday, while Mr. Nelson was walking Peppy, his former prize-winning show dog, on Quincy Shore Drive, at which point he claims a mid-nineties Toyota Corolla pulled up and opened it's passenger side front door, unleashing a black Pitbull, who proceeded to maul his dog's face until he was able to finally fight it off using his abnormally large collection of keychains.

According to the National Database of Former Prize-Winning Dogs (NDboFP-WD), Peppy was the 1993 gold medal winner of the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show.

Witnesses described absolute chaos as Mr. Nelson's dog was nearly torn to shreds.

"It was like a scene out of Jaws," remarked Carlton Snapley, an out-of-work day laborer who was still up from the night before. "I hadn't seen that much blood since my last divorce. All I know is this: at the beginning of that fight, both dogs had faces. But, by the end of that fight, only one had a face. And that's just the plain and simple truth of it all, and there's nothing anybody can ever do to change that."

Though all who bore witness to the gruesome scene agreed that the owner of the Pitbull was a Caucasian female with brown hair in her late forties, some disagreed about the color of her getaway vehicle.

While some say that her mid-nineties Toyota Corolla was tan, others say golden.

Quincy Police are currently offering a firm handshake, as well as three buckets filled with respect, to anyone who provides information leading to the capture and execution of the Pitbull in question, although have stated on multiple occasions that a reward of monetary value is "not in the foreseeable future."

"This attack is no different than the dozens of others that occur every decade in this city," said Officer Nico Haylen. "These dogs have had it too good for far too long."

Authorities are asking anyone who sees a brunette female in her late forties and/or a mid-nineties Toyota Corolla to please contact them immediately at 617-479-1212.

City residents lash out as ridiculous hack job is revealed to be exactly what it seems

2010-04-16T08:07:00.049-04:00

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of Fratelli's Bakery and Quincy City Hall

City Hall is under tight public scrutiny again, this time for using even more taxpayer money to fund ridiculous bullshit, such as the Department of Weights and Measures.

The Department of Weights and Measures, which the official website of the Office of Consumer Affairs & Business Regulation claims "enforces laws, rules, and regulations relating to weights and measures and the use of weighing and measuring devices in commercial transactions," has long since been the dirty little secret of city government, remaining almost entirely unknown until today.

When asked for a clearer explanation of this department's purpose, Mayor Koch merely shrugged his shoulders and continued devouring his meatball salad.

Jonathan P. Brillo, who is listed on the City of Quincy's municipal webpage as "Sealer of Weights and Measures," was unavailable for comment on the matter, however, was spotted by several residents at TJ Maxx, purchasing discount track suits for work, as his job appears to have absolutely no dress code.

"Weights and measures?" asked Joe "Crazy Dipping Sauce" Relievio, a concerned citizen with a $2,000-per-day OxyContin habit. "That seems ridiculous."

Relievio then attempted to back his comment up with a well-educated argument, although fell asleep in the process, falling backwards into oncoming traffic.

Relievio's body was then carelessly tossed aside, where it was then weighed and measured by a city worker for no apparent reason at all.

"He had a good weight to him," remarked Charles Waterbed, who has worked as the Chief Executive Inspector of Occurrences and Happenings at the Department of Weights and Measures for the past nine years. "I've seen better measurements in my days, but you can always put that aside when they have a good weight to them."

Waterbed then went on to explain how he has always favored weights over measures, although realizes that weight is, in itself, a form of measurement.

"There's a lot of things going down these days," Waterbed added. "Me and Brillo have been running this gig for a while now. Weighed a lot of shit. It just seems like things are changing. Maybe for the better, maybe for the worse. With the right technology, we could weigh the whole city, maybe even the world."

Jonathan P. Brillo, Sealer of Weights and Measures

"I love this job," Waterbed concluded, before driving directly into a team of DPW workers in what appeared to be a mix between a joke gone wrong and a catastrophic failure of his city-issued Toyota Corolla's anti-lock braking system.

But not all Quincy residents seem to share Waterbed's enthusiasm for weights and measures, some of them going as far as to actively speak against them.

"A department that does nothing but look at weighing and measuring equipment?" asked Thomas Brownstone, a car salesman from Adams Shore. "Nah, we don't need that shit. That's a fucking hack job if I've ever heard of one. I don't know about you, but I'm all set with my hard-earned tax dollars going to that shit. Let me guess, these dickheads are getting a paid day off on Monday, too, right? If I ever get my hands on one of them douchebags, I'm gonna hold 'em down to the ground and make 'em weigh my fucking asshole while I shit. Measure that, bitch!"

For more information on weights and measures, call 617-376-1000.

Egyptian immigrants settle into new life in Quincy

2010-04-15T15:35:00.013-04:00

Article by Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

New residents moved onto Furnace Brook Parkway in the Wollaston section of Quincy this weekend, making things a little more exotic.

No, it wasn’t another wise-cracking parrot or a heroin-riddled vagabond; it was a family of Egyptian immigrants who moved to the United States for a fresh start and a crack at the American dream.

Abubakr al-Bundy, his wife Cleopatra and their four children unloaded their belongings in a 2nd floor apartment last Saturday to much fanfare from the local community, who were intrigued and amused by the family that had previously lived just outside of Cairo, Egypt.

“These guys are great!” announced James “Gum” Shoe, an unemployed cable television watcher, who lives in the apartment downstairs.

Taking a solid five minutes to drink the remainder of his Miller High Life 30-rack while the al-Bundys struggled to lift a couch up the front porch stairs, Shoe remarked that things "just got a little spicy around here.”

Neighbors from all corners of Furnace Brook Parkway spent the day getting to know the “new guys” and dropping off gifts.

Bobby Tuna, an immigrant originally from Brockton, expressed wonder at the family’s “go get ‘em” spirit. “Look at them move that furniture," Tuna remarked. "These fuckin’ pyramid-builders are alright by me, I'll tell ya!”

“Yeah, Quincy is a good choice. Egypt ain’t nothing but sand and statues of cats,” muttered old-timer Alf Nelson, who has resided at 100 Furnace Brook Parkway for over twenty years. Sadly, Mr. Nelson was killed only moments later when 3rd floor resident Bart Dinkus fired a box-spring mattress onto his skull in an attempt to throw it into a nearby dumpster.

Funeral arrangements will be handled by Bart Dinkus of Dinkus Discount Funeral Home sometime later this year.

When asked how his family is finding life in the City of Presidents, al-Bundy replied positively. “It’s nice. The community has really reached out to us.”

Abubakar, who can trace his bloodline directly back to Pharaoh Ramesses I, then collapsed as the large, marble kitchen table he attempted to carry up to his apartment by himself crushed his legs, resulting in one of the most horrifying Egyptian screams in recent Quincy memory.

Wollaston residents tired of dealing with sad neighbor, unable to tolerate it any longer

2010-04-15T07:25:00.026-04:00

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Carla Sandwich lives in a beautiful two story home on Wollaston Hill, where she and her three daughters enjoy going on adventures in their spacious, wooded backyard. At night, they cuddle up and watch movies together, taking turns telling stories about how happy they are. To some, she lives the epitome of the American dream.

In the springtime, Carla and the children hang banners up in support of her husband, a devoted father of three, who has spent the last six years serving overseas.

But what Carla doesn't realize is that absolutely none of it is real.

Since the summer of 2004, when Carla moved to the quiet Wollaston Hill neighborhood, nobody has ever once laid eyes on her children, and not a single branch of the United States armed forces has any record of anyone with the last name Sandwich currently serving with them, whether overseas or on American soil.

The truth is, Carla Sandwich's life is nothing more than a thinly veiled facade.

"My husband loves me very much," Sandwich claimed. "He's in Iraq now, but he sends me letters all the time. He can't wait to see me. He'll be coming home soon."

After speaking with several employees of the Wollaston Post Office, it was determined that no mailman has ever even realized Sandwich's house was there.

"They used to call my husband 'Salami Sandwich' back in high school," Sandwich added. "It was just a joke amongst the schoolboys, but, deep down inside, I think it destroyed him. He always hated salami. I would never make him salami. It would bother him too much. That's why I only make him things that he enjoys, like ham, turkey, and the occasional egg salad. Usually ham, though. He loves ham."

Sandwich then planted her head into her hands and began shrieking loudly.

Neighbors, who have been forced to deal with Sandwich's false sense of reality for over six years now, have finally tossed in the towel, demanding that she be removed from the neighborhood and placed into a mental hospital.

"That lady is such a downer," claimed neighbor Ken Crankman, whose view from the kitchen window is ground zero for Sandwich's never ending campaign of madness. "I'm not dealing with it anymore. I shouldn't have to. It's fucking sick."

Sandwich's neighbors are currently working on a petition to have her committed and are expected to have more than enough signatures by the end of the day.

Men's feet in public "still disgusting," study shows

2010-04-09T12:47:00.027-04:00

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

A recent study performed at Quincy College shows that absolutely everyone is disgusted by having to look at men's feet in public.

The study, which was conducted by a team of highly regarded experts, was supervised by Jesus De La Tango, assistant manager of the Chipotle Mexican Grill in North Quincy, who also provided catering for the event.

Having immediately come to a unanimous decision, the study ended earlier than expected, paving way for an intense game of Parcheesi between all those involved.

Karen Swiftler, a retired veterinarian from Marina Bay, provided fart noises for the event. She recalled the study as being a "ridiculous waste of taxpayer money," as well as "relaxing and somewhat enjoyable."

Chief Excel spreadsheet manager and renowned sandal-wearer, Helium Robbards, was distraught with the results, but vowed to self-fund further studies in the hopes of achieving a different result.

“Frankly, I’m disappointed with the way things turned out,” remarked a visibly shaken Robbards. “The participants said my feet were disgusting and then pelted me with organic Mexican food. It was awful.”

Robbards then casually sulked away into the night, as his gross, open-sore-covered feet struggled to carry his dejected self.

He had learned a valuable lesson. And that lesson was that men, no matter what the circumstances may be, must never wear sandals in public.

Falling somewhere between punching an elderly woman in the face and licking a newborn baby's asshole, a man wearing sandals is one of life's most forbidden acts, causing a wretched impulse to shoot through anyone who bears witness.

Some consider it to be the ultimate sin, others aren't quite so sure.

Homeless hangout spot closed down due to lack of funding, citywide indifference

2010-04-08T14:12:00.031-04:00

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of a cell phone on Broad Street

The small, wooded area on Broad Street that many homeless residents have learned to call "home" has been closed down by it's owner, reports say.

This well-known hangout spot, known as "Club Billy's" to some, as it is located a stone's throw away from the infamous Father Bill's Place, has housed many unpopular characters over the years, almost all of them being unemployed rapists.

Notorious for it's all-day drinking parties and homeless orgies, this small patch of land has plagued the Broad Street area for quite some time.

"I just had to close that place down," said Craig Breakfast, who purchased the plot of land approximately three years ago, although cannot recall why. "Those pieces of shit were using my property for just about anything. I don't care what your political views are, when you can't even walk past your own property without hearing some underage girl gagging on a homeless dick, it kinda makes you reevaluate things. I'm not saying I'm perfect, but come on, that's just gross. I just couldn't afford the upkeep anymore. Why should I have to clean up after those slobs?"

But while most people couldn't care less about the homeless community, others have actually taken the time to speak in favor of these vile creatures.

Stefanie "Nails" Tinotaran, a bleeding heart philanthropist from the bowels of Allston, expressed a general sense of acceptance for homeless people, claiming they add a certain level of spice to life that those who actually have homes do not.

"Homeless people deserve a hangout spot just as much as anybody else," Tinotaran said. "Even if all they do is sniff heroin all day long."

Tinotaran, a liberal Catholic with a knack for being able to combine the two ways of life quite nicely, spent the last six years planting trees and then cutting them down to build crosses for her local church.

"All I am saying is, give peace a chance," Tinotaran concluded, just before being sued for her entire net worth by Apple Records in a civil lawsuit that, ironically, would financially devastate her to the point of homelessness.

As of now, Club Billy's will remain closed for an undisclosed period of time. Anyone caught within the property limits will be subject to arrest and prosecution.

For more information on homeless people, stop paying your bills.

Beloved accountant dies of unnatural causes

2010-04-08T07:25:00.042-04:00

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Authorities are reporting they have found the partial remains of Hyman Siegheil, the Quincy accountant who went missing three months ago today.

Siegheil's remains were found earlier this morning by a group of miserable looking homeless men behind the Bearde's Mobil Station on Route 3A.

No further details on the state of his remains have been released.

Siegheil, an unfortunately named Jew from Quincy's Upper West Side, was a lover of Reuben sandwiches, often spending many of his weekends with friends and family at Barry's Deli in Wollaston Center.

A popular accountant and avid chess player, Siegheil was considered a pillar of the community, earning the nickname "Jew Velvet" for his soft and noble demeanor.

"Hyman was the kind of guy that would do anything for a friend," remembered Sol Greene, Siegheil's business partner. "He'd even help you launder money."

While authorities would not confirm if Siegheil's death was mob related, they did confirm that there was absolutely no way that it wasn't.

Services for Hyman Siegheil will be provided this Friday afternoon by Sweeney Brothers Funeral Home in South Quincy.

Donations can be made later that evening in the form of beers at the Varsity Club.

"I always knew things would end bad for Hyman," Greene added, as he peered through the blinds with the defeated anticipation of a man who knows his days are numbered. "They'll be coming for me next, you just watch. Any minute now, someone's gonna come walking through that door and put two in my head. I just hope I never see it coming. If I'm lucky, it'll happen in my sleep."

Gmail crash disrupts Wollaston charity event

2010-04-07T17:28:00.011-04:00

Article by Brunk Edwards and Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

A charity event held at Wollaston Wine & Liquors yesterday was disrupted when a van driven by local stooge Gerome “Gmail” Mailer, 36, of Farrington Street, crashed violently through the front entrance.

No injuries were reported, with the exception of multiple disabled children who were pinned under the wreckage for a number of hours.

It is assumed they will remain disabled, with the possibility that some will become “more disabled,” according to Dr. Desmond Shaw of Quincy Medical Center.

Mailer, a door-to-door door salesman and self-described “extreme driver," has previous arrests on his record for flying a kite in Aisle 3 of Super Stop & Shop and for drilling a 70-foot hole in his backyard in a frantic all-night search for oil to power an old-time lamp.

“He came right in through the front, and all you could hear was glass shattering and people screaming,” recalled Steven Snell, a man who knows his way around a public restroom. Pausing briefly to pocket an expensive bottle of Chardonnay, Snell remarked, “It was miraculous that no one was killed. I was right there and pushed everyone out of the way. I’m a hero.”

It was later revealed that Mr. Snell was not at Wollaston Wine & Liquors yesterday, but instead, spent the entire day in a dark room searching the internet for the “world’s strongest dog.”

There is no word at this time as to what charity the event was funding, but it is well-known that Wollaston Wine & Liquors has moderate-to-strong ties to Latvian dictator Dr. Victor Von Doom and his ongoing campaign to dominate the world.

Von Doom, shortly after consuming a 12 pack of “cheap shit.”

While representatives of Wollaston Wine & Liquors refused to comment on the matter, one employee did state that "this kind of accident occurs all the time," even going as far as to say he expects "many more to come" in the near future.

Asian prostitution ring busted on mayor's street

2010-04-06T07:42:00.040-04:00

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

Forced to fuck dudes for nothing more than a bowl of rice a day, dozens of Asian women were lured into the enticing world of sex trafficking through Chinese newspapers, social networking sites, and viral marketing campaigns.

Advertisements for these escort services were placed in the Boston Phoenix and on Craigslist, offering clients "crazy pleasure" in exchange for cold, hard cash.

The Quincy brothel in question was identified in a federal indictment as 18 Newbury Ave., just a half-mile away from Mayor Koch's 249 Newbury Ave. home.

But what does this mean for our city? Many residents are still unsure.

"How can the mayor of our city live on the same street as an illegal sex ring and have no idea about it?" asked Claire Dipset, who also goes by the name Tiffany McNabb. "You can hear an Asian woman cumming from two cities away, nevermind a half-mile. Somebody's not telling the whole story here. Something is amiss."

Raiding the Newbury Ave. apartment complex, Quincy Police Department's Special Victims Unit apprehended Hahn Phuck Wong, 30, of North Quincy, as well as Chong Duk Quan, 41, of New York City's Lower East Side.

Wong and Quan will be arraigned together at Quincy District Court, shortly after authorities are able to determine how to enter and search their mint condition, tricked-out Subaru Imprezas, which, according to baffled officers at the crime scene, have "no visible door handles."

If convicted, they could both serve up to 30 days in prison.

Surveillance photo of the 18 Newbury Ave. location of the North Quincy brothel.

"We believe that both Wong and Quan kept a list of names and records of each client," spoke Officer Nico Haylen, who was mysteriously early arriving on the scene. "The trouble is, it seems that these records are kept in the glove compartments of their vehicles, which, as far as we've been able to tell, have absolutely no door handles. So, once somebody comes up with a way to get into a car with no door handles, we can go further. Until then, all we can do is wait."

Spending his morning observing the police crackdown, elderly neighbor Malt Whitman of 22 Newbury Ave. remarked that “the days of the free-range prostitute are over. The age of the brothel is here.”

Within police earshot, Whitman then ordered over 30 buckets of high-grade linoleum to feed an addiction which has crippled him since the late 1970s.

As of now, Mayor Koch has made no official comment on this matter.

Dr. Dre, coming straight outta...Boston?

2010-04-05T15:58:00.024-04:00

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Opening day at historic Fenway Park saw many familiar faces, as well as a 9-7 win over the New York Yankees, Boston's longest running rival.

Among those in attendance were rock legends, Steven Tyler and Neil Diamond, sports player, LeBron James, and nigga with attitude, Dr. Dre.

Sticking to a seemingly new backstory of being "straight outta Boston," Dre began to receive dirty looks and awkward glances from those who remember his earlier days as a young rap artist, with some going as far as to claim the iconic performer was, as he would have put it, "flakin' and perpetratin', but scared to kick reality."

"Dr. Dre is not from Boston," declared Bruce Old, a volunteer historian from Montclair. "As far as I'm concerned, he's not even from Massachusetts."

It is still unclear at this time as to how far, exactly, Mr. Old is concerned.

"I just took some Ecstasy," Dre remarked, after being asked an entirely unrelated question. "Ain't no tellin' what the side effects could be."

Collapsing in the stands as the soothing sounds of a Roland TR-808 Rhythm Composer began to pound the stadium through Fenway's brand new Bose speaker system, Dre was then rushed to Mass General Hospital, where he was pronounced "high as a motherfucker" and sent to detox to get clean.

There is no word yet on when Dre will be released from detox, nor has there been any confirmation on whether, or not, he will actually release The Detox.

Local priest wins staring contest, respect of peers

2010-04-05T07:45:00.037-04:00

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Reverend Jack Jessup of St. Mary's Parish in West Quincy took home the gold yesterday evening in Quincy's semi-annual Easter Staring Contest.

Jessup, a self-proclaimed "holy man-about-town," was last in the news after several misunderstandings between him and the Johnson Publishing Company, of Chicago, Illinois, left him with a three-year subscription to JET magazine.

The contest, which was held at Adams Field, was judged by a panel of experts that were flown in from the Monponsett section of Hanson.

Making his way into the championship round, Jessup faced six-time winner, John Mustard, who lost on a technicality after it was revealed that he was blind.

As the crowd gathered in for the final round, Jessup faced current champion, Jared Spoonman, who, after over two hours of maintaining a cold, dead stare, blew a blood vessel in his right eye, causing him to lose his title, as well as his eye.

"I'm going to King's Castle Land," Jessup remarked, after being asked his feelings on winning one of Quincy's most prestigious Easter awards.

Unaware that King's Castle Land has been closed since the mid-nineties, Jessup then headed up Route 18, blasting Kings of Leon's "Use Somebody" at a bowel-wrenching volume through his 1993 Toyota Corolla's Bose speaker system.

Arriving home approximately three hours later with a brand new King's Castle Land shirt on, Jessup's neighbors began to wonder if an Easter miracle was upon them.

Some say it was just God playing favorites, others weren't quite so sure.

La Paloma restaurant issued stern verbal warning by self-proclaimed inspector

2010-04-03T07:23:00.008-04:00

Article by Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Well-known Mexican themed restaurant, La Paloma, was issued a stern verbal warning by Melvin Sobe, a self-proclaimed “inspector” and general man-about-town.

The warning was issued via verbal screaming last night at approximately 9:30pm.

Sobe, a food consumer from the bowels of North Quincy, reportedly launched a rapid-fire campaign of hate towards waitresses at the popular restaurant for what he deemed to be “unbelievable antics.”

“First off, they undercooked the hot dog that I brought in,” miffed Sobe, as he soothed a broken elbow that was slammed by a speeding Toyota Corolla mere minutes earlier.

“Then, I noticed that the table salt seemed to contain an extreme amount of sodium,” Sobe continued. “Sodium is the leading cause of fucking insane heart attacks in this country. If a child, or even a grown-up adult, drank that salt, they could very well be subjected to a debilitating heart condition. It’s just not safe.”

Spending the next several minutes begging for loose change and taking wild, unorthodox swings at a nearby pigeon, Sobe returned to the topic at hand.

“You’ve got to stop this type of bullshit right when it starts. You can't just sit back and do nothing. If I don’t say something now, who knows how far it will go? I mean, look at what happened in Germany back in ’39.”

In a surprising turn of events, Sobe was killed seconds later by a boomerang which had spun wildly out of control from a group of foreign children.

Management at La Paloma declined to comment on the allegations, however, responded to crowds gathering outside by blaring Method Man’s “M.E.T.H.O.D. Man” at a tooth-decaying volume.

Controversy surrounds unofficial beauty pageant held this weekend at Kagawa Sushi Bar

2010-03-31T07:41:00.047-04:00

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Ernie Boch, Jr. is in the hot seat yet again, this time for hosting what appears to be a false Miss Massachusetts beauty pageant in an attempt to pick up girls.

Boch, who is the CEO, president and spokesman of Boch Enterprises, is the son of the late car czar, Ernie Boch, Sr., as well as the frontman of Ernie and the Automatics, the groundbreaking blues rock band, which features two former members of the multi-platinum selling band Boston.

According to eyewitnesses who were in attendance, a beauty pageant was held by Boch at the Kagawa Sushi Bar in Quincy Center, under the guise of the official 2010 Miss Massachusetts USA State Pageant.

"I knew something was wrong right from the start," said Joaquin Sacramento, of Squantum, who provided sound effects for the event. "I'm not sure how, but I knew. Maybe it's because the whole thing took place at a sushi bar. Or maybe it's because almost all of the signs were handwritten in Boch's unmistakable scrawl. But I like to think it's because of my keen detective skills, which allow almost no detail to go by unnoticed. Trust me, if there's something amiss, I always catch it."

It was later revealed that Sacramento's wife of over thirty years has been having an ongoing affair with his own brother since the summer of 1986.

Taking the advice of his attorneys, Boch offered no comment on the allegations against him, however, found himself unable to hold back both smirks and giggles whenever somebody made direct eye contact with him.

As the beautiful and talented contestants lined up to make acceptance speeches for awards that did not exist, Boch made his getaway through a secret escape hatch in Kagawa's backroom, where he was apprehended shortly after by responding officer John Steele and arrested for impersonating a pageant host.

Boch is currently being held on $500 bail, which he has so far been unable to post.

If convicted, he could serve up to three years as a used car salesman at a competitor's dealership of his choosing.

What is the real story behind the free television set found this weekend on Putnam Street?

2010-03-29T13:10:00.021-04:00

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of a cell phone in Merrymount

A free television set was found on Putnam Street over the weekend, causing many residents of the area to wonder what might be wrong with it.

The impressive 20" RCA television set was found by local man-about-town, Stanley Rhubarb, who, after staring at it for nearly an hour, decided that it must be too good to be true, causing him to immediately alert media sources regarding the situation before darting off into the patch of wilderness behind Central Middle School.

"The sign says that the TV is free," Rhubarb told reporters. "But why?"

Rhubarb then went on to describe in great detail several theories he had, each of them more mind-blowing than the last.

He was then sedated by a nearby doctor, who, after a series of very specific medical questions, finally admitted that he was "not technically a doctor."

It remains unclear at this time as to where this man went, although some have speculated that he, too, darted off towards the patch of wilderness behind Central, where he was then given a black leather jacket and raised by Del Tufos.

"There's no such thing as a free TV," Rhubarb added, as he casually looked over his right shoulder. "If these people think I'm gonna lug this thing all the way to my apartment and plug it in, they got another thing comin'. Stanley Rhubarb may not be the brightest bulb in the bucket, but at least I know what time it is."

At this point, there is no further information known regarding this mysterious television set, nor are the circumstances from which it came about known.

Rainy weather washes away city's dirty little secrets, but not quite all of them

2010-03-29T07:18:00.011-04:00

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of a cell phone in Wollaston

High winds and incessant rainfall continued to plague the Granite City this morning, washing away its dirty little secrets, leaving behind nothing but a small handful of miscellaneous items, such as heroin needles and empty nips of cheap vodka.

Seriously, though, stop doing fucking heroin. It's getting ridiculous!

Broken-down privileged bitch waits over thirty minutes for tow, demands answers

2010-03-26T07:21:00.027-04:00

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Gas up your tow trucks, keep your phone lines open, and clear the roads, because when Tina Driscoll's car breaks down, it's everybody's problem.

Breaking down on Adams Street early yesterday afternoon, Driscoll made a call to Blue Hills Towing, of West Quincy, demanding prompt and professional service.

An only child, Driscoll is no stranger to expecting things on time or early.

From the lighting in Baxter's Pharmacy to the temperature in the National Amusements theatre in Randolph, almost nothing seems to go Driscoll's way, often times ending with a long list of verbal and written complaints, which almost always go ignored.

Driscoll, a former runner-up for Quincy High School's Class of '93 prom queen, currently works as an assistant manager at the Dress Barn on Granite Street.

But as the minutes passed on, nobody came, leaving Driscoll with nothing to do but sit on the front bumper of her 1996 Ford Mustang and call friends to complain.

After approximately 35 minutes, tow truck driver Jared Armstrong arrived, ready and willing to assist Driscoll in all of her roadside needs.

Armstrong was last in the news after a Gorilla Biscuits t-shirt caused several Wollaston youths to mistake him for a woman, ending in one of the most awkward rape scenes this city has ever seen.

"That's a fucking decent breakdown," remarked Armstrong, who then got Driscoll's vehicle started with a set of jumper cables and a side dish of elbow grease.

Starting her impressive 3.8 liter engine and darting down Adams Street at the daring speed of 46 miles-per-hour, Driscoll casually flipped Armstrong off, angered by his inability to provide her the sense of self-worth she has sought after for so long.

As for what the future holds for Tina Driscoll, no one can be sure.

We can only assume that she will spend the entire weekend in dirtbag bars, dancing with boys who are barely of age, wasting all of her money on mixed shots with clever names, high stakes, and dangerous consequences.

Elderly man celebrates 100th birthday by dying

2010-03-25T08:34:00.043-04:00

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Joe Montenegro isn't your typical elderly Italian man. In fact, he's no longer even a man. By now, he's nothing more than a rancid, rotting corpse, buried six feet underground, right where he fucking belongs.

Suffering a massive coronary while picking flowers behind Roxie's Market, Montenegro was pronounced dead at 8:37am this morning at Quincy Medical Center.

Montenegro turned 100-years-old today, finally fulfilling his lifelong dream.

Neighbors remember Montenegro as the type of guy you could count on, some even going as far as to say that he was a kind and gentle man.

Montenegro, whose last name is pronounced exactly as it appears, was a veteran of the Second World War, receiving an honorable discharge after sustaining a shrapnel injury to his left leg. An injury that would plague him until his dying day.

In the early mornings, Montenegro would take long walks on Southern Artery, waving to the morning commuters as they passed.

In the afternoons, he would eat hot dogs and stare at people from a bench.

After sunset, however, he would stay in and watch VHS porn at an ear-splitting volume, all while housing staff and orderlies struggled to get past the seven deadbolts on the door to his Brackett Street assisted living home.

"Joe was a great guy," remarked Ronaldo Sanchez, who works as a janitor in Montenegro's apartment complex. "People just weren't able to get passed his habits after dark, that's all. It was just too much for some people to handle. Sometimes, when he was in there doing his thing, he would scream at the top of his lungs. Other times, he would end up squeezing his penis so hard that he would be hospitalized for weeks. I mean, don't get me wrong, I loved the guy like a father, and I was sad to see him go, but, when it comes down to it, I'm glad he's dead."

Montenegro is survived by his two daughters, Marie and Isabella, as well as sixteen granddaughters, a mentally disabled cousin, and his barber, Roy.

Local man goes on frantic search for Internet

2010-03-24T16:13:00.045-04:00

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

A Whitman resident known only as No-Internet Andy has just put in for his two-week vacation, claiming that he will not rest until he has found the Internet.

Holding a "members only" press conference in the Monponsett section of Hanson, No-Internet Andy vowed to reporters that he would soon find the Internet and harness all of it's uncanny power.

Claiming to have never once actually come into contact with the Internet, No-Internet Andy spoke quite fondly of the global system of networks, claiming the desire to overcome his no-Internet status has given him a new purpose in life.

The search was preempted by a stop at a local corner store to buy $15 worth of protein bars and twelve cartons of Muscle Milk, which No-Internet Andy believed would help him immensely in his quest.

Loading a sleeping bag, three hundred yards of highly resilient nylon rope, and a flashlight into the back of his truck, No-Internet Andy performed a final check on the air pressure of his tires before waving goodbye to no one in particular.

"Farewell," he said, as he peeled off at the smooth crawl of a wounded mongoose. "I shall find the Internet and bring it back to my hometown of Whitman. And when I return, we shall all be instant millionaires. From the hungry locals at Venus Cafe, to the lonely Keno players at the Office, we shall all embrace the Internet, making each and every website we visit our own."

Having made it only six feet from his original starting point, all four tires of his 1976 Jeep Cherokee then exploded due to massive over-inflation, causing him to spin wildly out of control, colliding with a newlywed couple on a tandem bicycle.

"Don't wait for me," No-Internet Andy could be heard saying, as the Whitman Police carelessly tossed him into backseat of a cruiser.

No-Internet Andy will be charged with two counts of driving to endanger.

In accordance with new South Shore law, he will be arraigned tomorrow morning at Quincy District Court, where it is expected he will then be introduced to the Internet via the Norfolk County Correctional Center in Dedham.

Man who won two free Friendly’s Fribble® shakes has sketchy past, reports say

2010-03-24T14:20:00.018-04:00

Article by Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

A 25-year-old South Quincy man who called local newspapers after winning two free Fribble® shakes from Friendly’s was later revealed to have a history of fraud.

The man, Jaime “Haircut” McGoo, alerted the media yesterday after claiming he won a free Fribble® shake at the Friendly’s Ice Cream parlor in Wollaston by correctly naming the artist playing over the restaurant’s radio station.

According to McGoo, the group in question was C+C Music Factory.

Amazingly, McGoo then contacted the media again to declare that he had won a second Fribble® shake in the same contest by correctly guessing that only one employee of the establishment had understood the movie Mulholland Drive.

Holes in the story began to appear almost immediately after Friendly’s manager Richard Angry was reached by phone.

Angry repeatedly denied the existence of any such contests and claimed that a person matching McGoo’s description was escorted out of the restaurant with “extreme force” for stealing bananas from a freezer.

This is not the first time McGoo has been in the news.

In 2002, McGoo, who then went by the name Awesome Lemieux, was arrested after claiming to have found former President Ronald Reagan’s corpse buried in Wollaston Beach, using a pair of X-ray sunglasses.

In 2000, he was reprimanded for using an expired Thomas Crane Public Library card to fake his way into getting an elderly discount on an infamous Newcomb Farms “Early Bird” special.

McGoo also has multiple, longstanding lawsuits against the owners of the Norwood-based New England Comics for “psychological damages” after reading a stolen issue of “The Death of Superman.”

Predator seeks exploratory committee for possible run in 2010 Massachusetts Gubernatorial Election

2010-03-24T07:52:00.052-04:00

Article by Beak Wilder and Heather Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Just when you thought it was safe to talk politics in Massachusetts, a fucking alien assassin with infrared vision decides to run for governor.

Predator, who is perhaps best-known for his groundbreaking, eponymous action film, has long since been involved in behind-the-scenes politics, having privately endorsed George W. Bush in both elections, and most recently, donated the maximum amount allowed into John McCain's failed presidential campaign.

Predator, whose birth name is Fred Calloway, announced his interest in the upcoming election yesterday afternoon, during a last-minute press conference in the fire damaged section of the Quincy Center strip.

Interested and uninterested parties alike gathered amongst the charred remnants of Taso's Pizza to listen to the Predator's mind-numbing 90-minute speech, in which he declared that he would shamelessly ride the coattails of fellow co-stars-turned-politicians, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Jesse "The Body" Ventura.

But, if the Predator is elected, what would that mean for the Bay State?

Some say that the Predator would work tirelessly at repairing Legislative-Executive relations. Others say that he would simply destroy us all.

"This is just absurd," remarked Wolf Sheppard, an out-of-work news anchor who occasionally moonlights as a waiter at Grumpy White's. "There's no way around it, the Predator is making a run for governor because he has already seen two idiots from his first film move on to become political figures. But what are his qualifications? Do we really want a governor who's going to be running around this state with a plasma weapon and a mouth that looks like a mix between an eagle talon and a grizzly bear's vagina? I'm not sure about you, but that just seems unnecessary. The guy never even went to high school, for Christ's sake, nevermind college. If you ask me, the Predator is unfit to lead."

Sheppard's body was then tossed an amazing thirty-seven feet into the glass face of the Good Health Natural Food store, where a massive chest wound the size of a beach ball then appeared in the area that used to be his chest.

"Want some candy?" asked a strange, distorted voice from the rooftops.

Both incidents were deemed to be "unrelated" by an Officer Nico Haylen, who, after sneaking several nips of Jameson, urinated himself in a nearby alley.

As of now, Predator has yet to officially declare his candidacy in the upcoming gubernatorial race, although expert analysts predict that he will do so before the end of the month, as it is a well-known fact that all extraterrestrial life forms prefer to make things official before month-end closing.

Gays allowed in Quincy churches? Wait, really?

2010-03-23T07:46:00.051-04:00

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of a cell phone in Quincy Center

In a shocking turn of events, it appears that gays are not only allowed to walk past churches these days, but are also allowed to go inside them.

Gays, who are known for the hit songs, "Y.M.C.A." and "We are the Champions," have long since been the subject of public misunderstanding, yet critically acclaimed by fancy New York big shots for their ability to outdo almost anyone when it comes to making a giant fucking spectacle of themselves.

This recent discovery has both supporters and detractors of homosexuality voicing their opinions, but none more than those of the Catholic Church, who, historically speaking, have been known to get worked up over pretty much anything.

Reverend Sherman Beaudoin of the St. John the Baptist Parish in Quincy Point expressed disapproval at the discovery, blaming gays for almost everything.

"The Bible condemns homosexuality," Beaudoin said. "For a church to condone it is a most disgraceful act, but to embrace it is even worse. If these churches had any idea what gays were capable of, maybe they would reconsider their position on this. By constantly falling for fake links on the World Wide Web, I have seen far more than I have bargained for, although I have no intentions of describing what it is I have seen. But take my word for it, it was utterly abominable."

Unable to cope with the thought of what actually goes on behind the closed doors of gay men, Beaudoin then casually tossed himself in front of a speeding 221 bus, causing his body to explode like a watermelon after a thirty story fall.

But not all residents agree with Beaudoin, some even speaking out in favor of gays.

"Who cares if gays go to church?" remarked Mark "The Big Deal" Harmonico, a Montclair resident who owns a small dog and season tickets to the Red Sox. "Let those little bastards come if they want. What are people afraid of, that they're gonna dress better than us, teach us some sweet dance moves, and befriend our wives?"

Harmonico then performed a series of hand gestures and shoulder shrugs, each further confirming that he couldn't care less about gays in churches.

"It don't matter to me," Harmonico added. "Gays are just like regular people."

Harmonico then walked off into the general direction of the mythical East Quincy, secretly wondering what man he would go down on if he absolutely had to. After approximately thirty seconds of deliberation, he settled on Orlando Bloom and went about his day, somewhat less confident that he, too, was not gay.

Illegal aliens celebrate passing of health care reform with record-breaking Corona sales

2010-03-22T08:20:00.053-04:00

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Illegal aliens throughout the city are celebrating the passing of President Obama's health care reform, which will provide universal health insurance for all of America, regardless of race, sex, religion, or legal status.

This new bill will provide health insurance to even illegal immigrants, thus rendering the term "illegal" fairly meaningless.

All throughout the South Shore, the strange celebratory traditions of Mexicans can be seen, from extravagant pig roasts, to mariachi music ensembles, to parades of El Caminos with 13-inch, gold plated, wire spoke wheels.

"This is a proud day for my people," spoke Hernando Jiménez, an illegal immigrant who works part-time salting corn cobs at Murphy's Twin Shamrocks. "If I hurt myself while working under-the-table, I am covered. If I pull a muscle while masturbating to a Salma Hayek movie, I am covered. Even if I just don't feel like working one day and decide go to the emergency room and just sit there, I am covered. And the bill is up to you. It is the taxpayer who will suffer, and I who shall reap the benefits."

Jiménez then dropped his pants and began relieving himself in a nearby mailbox, wiping his dick and balls off with the American flag.

"I love this country," Jiménez added, as he disappeared in a cloud of rice and beans.

But as the dust settles and those who are most effected by this change begin to voice their opinions, it appears that opposition is far from absent.

"There's no such thing as free health care," barked Roger Snapcase, a self-proclaimed "hardworking man" from South Quincy. "At some point, somebody has to pay. And you know who it's going to be? It's gonna be the hardworking American who's been busting his ass and paying taxes his entire life with nothing to show for it. And for what, so some lazy piece of shit who doesn't even belong here can get the same benefits as me? Fuck that shit. We didn't win the war at Alamo so this shit could happen. Free health care is a bunch of bullshit. What's Obama gonna try to pull off next, world peace? Go ahead and try it, brother man. But if there's one thing I'm completely sure of, it's that world peace can't be done. It just can't exist."

It was later revealed that the Battle of the Alamo was not actually a war.

Baby puncher arrested in Quincy Police sting operation, shows no signs of regret

2010-03-20T10:24:00.051-04:00

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Quincy Police arrested Seymour Chumsford, of Quincy Point, yesterday as part of an intense sting operation, charging him in a recent rash of baby punchings that had been occurring over the past three weeks.

Chumsford, who is no stranger to jail cells, was last in the news only two months ago, when he attempted to blame Toyota's current recall concerns after his mid-nineties Corolla accidentally backed over his wife's face a total of twenty-six times.

The first reports of these baby punchings began in late-February, when Juanita Cabrera, a mother of twelve, called Quincy Police, complaining about a man who approached her in the Walmart parking lot, punching her baby directly in the face.

Two days later, a similar call was placed into Quincy Police headquarters, followed by twelve more throughout the eighteen days that followed.

"This guy wasn't just punching babies," remarked Officer John Steele. "He was punching them as hard as he could. Some of these babies took shots to the face that would knock out a grown man. This guy deserves whatever he gets. In my eleven months as a police officer, this is the most disgusting act I have ever seen."

Speaking against the advice of his court-appointed attorney, Chumsford showed no signs of regret, even reiterating several times that he had no intentions of stopping.

"I will punch them all," Chumsford told reporters. "Every last one of them."

Chumsford then stared directly into the eyes of a nearby jackal, causing it to dart wildly into the street and begin mauling the face of a newborn baby girl.

Chumsford will be arraigned this Monday at Quincy District Court.

First annual Blood for Blood Beach Party shut down by authorities, cancelled indefinitely

2010-03-19T07:46:00.042-04:00

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

The city's first annual Blood for Blood Beach Party came to an abrupt end yesterday afternoon, as authorities were called in almost immediately due to multiple injuries, noise complaints, public displays of soullessness, and bare knuckle fistfights.

Blood for Blood, the seminal Boston hardcore band, known for local favorites, such as "Piss All Over Your Hopes and Dreams" and "Paper Gangster," was last in the headlines after several injuries at a benefit show at the United First Parish Church in Quincy Center earned them a three-week ban in the Granite City.

The event, which was intended to go into all hours of the night, had been set up by the mayor's office earlier that day in celebration of the warm weather.

Having initially been unable to attain the services of the band, itself, the city decided to instead start off by playing their celebrated first album, Spit My Last Breath, through Wollaston Beach's brand new Bose speaker system.

This, of course, proved to be "just too intense" for those in attendance to handle.

"The people of Quincy love Blood for Blood," spoke mayoral aide Joe Schlopp, as he soothed an impending shiner with a bag of frozen peas. "If you don't believe me, go visit the Quincy Medical Center emergency room."

All throughout the emergency room waiting area, Quincy residents bled onto the floor, each of them waiting their turn to be stitched up and repaired.

"It was one of Quincy's better beach parties," remarked Officer Nico Haylen, whose unorthodox uniform of camouflage shorts and Blood for Blood shirt told the tale of a man who has very little to hide. "I wish we didn't have to cut it short. If it wasn't for receiving over a thousand complaints in under three minutes, I would have turned my cheek to just about anything. But this job comes with responsibilities, and once in a while, you just can't ignore that. Not that I was able to get much accomplished, anyway. I didn't even have my gun with me. It weighs me down when I'm dancing. No, we had to pull a pretty spicy move for this one. We called the big man, himself. At that point, he was the only one this city would listen to. So, we got Buddha to go up to the Ruth Gordon Amphitheater and address the crowd, urging them to cool off and settle the fuck down. It cost us ten grand just to get him to do it, but who knows how much it saved us in inevitable property damage."

Erick "Buddha" Medina, addressing the angry crowd yesterday evening at the amphitheater.

"As soon as Buddha told the people to go home, the entire city complied," commented DJ Steve Stennehy, who provided record scratches for the event. "I don't think this city will be having any more hardcore-themed beach parties, though. At least not for a while. I think it's pretty obvious that Quincy's not ready to handle something like that. We were flying today, but a little too close to the sun."

As of now, the mayor's office is reporting that the annual Blood for Blood Beach Party festivities have been cancelled indefinitely.

Above average temperatures become cat-alyst for purr-fect beach day for local felines

2010-03-18T16:38:00.020-04:00

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Clear skies and summer-like temperatures paved way for a perfect beach day today, especially for local feline, Leo-Hector, who was last in the news after receiving the prestigious 2009 Outstanding Quincy Citizen of the Year award.

Eschewing warnings from local police to “stay the fuck off of the beach” after multiple shark and falcon attacks were reported, Leo-Hector and dozens upon thousands of cats arrived to catch some rays and frolic about.

"Quincy is probably the only city where you'll see more cats on the beach than people," remarked Mayor Thomas Koch, as he struggled to maintain consciousness after an impressive four Reuben sandwiches. "Some of the finest cats in the country can be found here. It's just a beautiful city, and a truly amazing thing to be in complete control of. God, it's fucking nice out right now! This is unbelievable."

Gathering driftwood, the four-legged furballs managed to erect a crude bonfire, which amazed and delighted all who witnessed it’s fiery fury.

With only teen drinkers and a raw sewage spill dampening an otherwise perfect day, the cats relaxed into a state of well-being, far beyond what any mere mortal could ever hope to achieve in our otherwise miserable, pointless lives.

Local funny man found beaten to death at 62

2010-03-18T12:48:00.040-04:00

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Henry Blood, a self-proclaimed funny man from Hough's Neck, was found beaten to death behind his Babcock Street home yesterday evening, authorities say.

Blood, who is most renowned for his ongoing gag, in which he pretends to eat a sandwich made out of a cantaloupe and two pieces of white bread, had just celebrated his 62nd birthday only two days prior, and had been getting his yard ready for an "insane barbecue" this upcoming Saturday.

"He had a lot of enemies," said Juanita Garcia-Blood, his wife of nearly thirty years. "He was constantly working on new material. The people in this neighborhood didn't seem to get his jokes. If you ask me, it could have been anyone."

While authorities have promised swift results, there are no leads at this time.

"As of this moment, we have virtually nothing to go on," remarked Officer Curtley Giraffe, a seasoned veteran who has patrolled the streets of Hough's Neck for over a decade. "What we have here is a guy who used to like to crack wise with people, an entire neighborhood that wanted to see him dead, and a murder scene that's so rigged with gags and props that nobody will even go near it."

Taking a moment to regain composure after stepping on a hidden whoopee cushion next to Blood's beaten and mangled corpse, Giraffe continued. "This is insane."

Authorities are asking anyone with information on Blood's murder to please come forward. There are no current rewards being offered at this time.

Hundreds of dollars in damage to Quincy's historic Souther Tide Mill caused by ridiculous storm

2010-03-18T07:55:00.033-04:00

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Hundreds of dollars in damage were caused to the Souther Tide Mill on Southern Artery during the past storm, the mayor's office is reporting.

As told, the torrential rain and fierce winds had blown some temporary boarding off the 200-year-old structure, allowing those in the homeless community to penetrate the mill's entrance and once again turn the historic building into a haven of bum sex, binge drinking, gang rape, and puking contests.

"The structure of the mill is still sound," the mayor told reporters.

The mayor then went on to explain a series of tedious and wearisome plans the city has for the mill, which can basically be summed up by saying, "$130,000 in community preservation funds have been approved to make the mill look better."

But what do the hundreds of dollars of new damage to the Souther Tide Mill mean for next year's budget? Some say that it will have little, to no, effect on our daily lives. Others, however, aren't quite so sure.

"I would be inclined to say that this will devastate us financially," spoke Beverly Labia-Smacker, an all-day Craigslist lurker from Germantown, whose ability to forecast future budget concerns is about as good as her ability to marry a man whose last name will not make hers ten times more ridiculous. "Where is the city going to get these funds? Seriously, where? We're talking about over a hundred dollars here. I don't have that right now, do you?"

Labia-Smacker was then knocked unconscious as a passing motorist deliberately threw an unopened can of Campbell's Chunky off the back of her head.

"Hey, Labia-Smacker," the motorist could be heard, as he drifted by at an anxiety-inducing 3 mph. "Why don't you go smack a labia, you fuckin' douche!"

Labia-Smacker was then brought to Quincy Medical Center, where her previous statement of not having over a hundred dollars was discovered to be true, causing doctors to do nothing but stare at her in anger while the back of her head bled at the speed of an upside down gallon of milk.

For more information on the Souther Tide Mill, please call Mayor Thomas Koch.

Jury deadlocked in case of erratic pizza delivery driver Chupacabradapolous

2010-03-18T07:02:00.017-04:00

Article by Brunk Edwards / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

It was announced today that a jury of 12 remained deadlocked in the case of an erratic pizza delivery driver who was charged with failing to deliver a single correct order in the span of a year.

The case, The People of Quincy vs. Bip Chupacabradapolous, first went to trial in the fall of last year, after Mr. Chupacabradapolous was citizen’s arrested by members of the Merrymount community on September 20th and brought kicking and screaming to the steps of the Quincy Police headquarters.

He was charged with 4,037 counts of incorrect pizza delivery orders, 1 count of driving with only three wheels on his car, and 1 count of painting his bare feet to look like he was wearing Converse All-Stars.

Chupacabradapolous, moments after installing a couch and wall in the front seat of his car.

Head juror Teddy “The Goddamn Animal” Reilly told reporters that, although the jurors had reached a guilty verdict months ago, their long-held deliberation was the result of the court’s impeccable ability to feed them “pizza pies at any time of the day.”

“Plus, they have On Demand on their TVs!” yelled Reilly, while consuming multiple slices of boiling hot mushroom and green pepper pizza.

Judge Betsy Lollipop gasped in horror at the sight of a Daddy Long Legs spider before returning her attention to reporters questioning the validity of a trial that has consumed local court resources. “This is America, baby," she responded absentmindedly. “Who am I to judge this poor bastard?”

Meanwhile, Mr. Chupacabradapolous valiantly struggled to lift his head off the floor of a long since forgotten jail cell ten stories below sea level, where he has remained without food or water for the duration of the trial.

Coastal flooding creates hostile conditions for residents, some so poor, others so black

2010-03-16T07:46:00.036-04:00

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

Coastal flooding and harsh winds have created hostile conditions for many Granite City residents, some of which are so poor and so black.

All night long, flood warnings from the National Weather Service in Taunton have dominated television screens, urging locals to stay inside and wait out the storm.

But who suffers most in these times of troublesome weather?

Is it the otherwise trustworthy weather reporter, who will no doubt be blamed for the destructive winds, hard rain, and damaged property? Or is it the careless neighbor next door, who smokes cigarettes, uses microwave ovens, and refuses to recycle, paving way for events such as this? Top researchers say that it is neither of these, for as usual, it is blacks who will suffer the hardest fate.

"Historically speaking, blacks have had a pretty tough go at things," remarked Dr. Alan Ripple, former head of Quincy College's now-defunct medical department. "From Germantown, to Grafton Street, to the Little Compton section of West Quincy, lower income black families are the ones who will suffer the most. When the Wollaston levees broke, thousands of residents were forced to leave their homes, some of them taking to seek shelter on rooftops until rescue teams could take them safely to Veterans Memorial Field. My heart goes out to these families. I just can't help but to think that this tragedy could have somehow been avoided."

While most residents appear calm at this time, Glenroyal Smoothshave did not.

Smoothshave, a former welterweight boxer from the hard side of Merrymount, expressed disgust at the situation, claiming the Wollaston levees had been poorly designed by the Quincy Point Panthers cheerleading squad.

Glenroyal Smoothshave, the absolute angriest motherfucker this city will ever know.

"I'm sick and tired of this shit," Smoothshave screamed. "Why weren't the residents of this city alerted with enough time to conduct a proper, timely evacuation? Why in God's name would a city hire a cheerleading squad to design a levee? And why the fuck were a shitload of black people sitting up on rooftops? If that was white people up on them rooftops, there would have been a helicopter for every single one of them. But no, the black man's gotta stay up on the rooftop all day and piss and shit in front of news cameras. If that was Elvis up on that rooftop, they would have raised the Titanic to go get him. If that was Justin Timberlake, Obama himself would have picked him up in a goddamn canoe. Even if it were Steve Zahn, or somebody like that, the motherfucker would have been there for six minutes, tops. Like I said, I'm sick of this shit. I'm about to get medieval up in this bitch. Who the fuck gets their flood warnings from Taunton, anyway? That is some straight up bullshit."

Smoothshave then darted up Hancock Street at the speed of an angry bulldog, causing Houston, Texas rap artist, Scarface, to cross the street in fear.

There is no word yet as to why Scarface was in Quincy, although it is expected that he may be researching the area for his upcoming film, Mo' Crazy Ridiculous.

For updates and warnings on today's weather, please watch the news.

Local nutbag demands special treatment during St. Patrick's Day holiday, threatens hunger strike

2010-03-15T15:13:00.049-04:00

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

Mark Doherty, the Dorchester native who occasionally wanders into the Quincy city limits, has stirred up headlines yet again, making threats of a hunger strike unless a contract is drawn up no later than noon tomorrow that states that all Boston bars must provide him free beer during the St. Patrick's Day holiday festivities.

These demands, which vaguely imply that drinking free beer during Irish-themed holidays are part of Doherty's "religious beliefs," have already begun to receive much criticism from those with a high-ranking social status in the South Shore.

"This is bullshit," remarked Abington ironworker and former Quincy mayoral candidate, Tom Turkolio. "This kid just doesn't wanna pay for beer."

Turkolio then dropped to the ground and began performing a series of perfectly executed abdominal crunches in one of the most overly masculine and unnecessary acts of showmanship this city has seen in years.

"Who cares if this Doherty kid doesn't eat until noon tomorrow?" he added, as he wiped a single bead of sweat off his forehead with three One King Down shirts. "That's not even twenty-four hours from now. It's not like he's gonna die from it. And even if he did, what's the big deal?"

But as the hours pass, complaints about hunger pains have already begun.

"I'm fuckin' starving, dude!" Doherty told reporters. "I wanna go to Mickey D's so bad right now, but I can't. Hunger strikes are wicked hard."

Mark Doherty, making a giant fucking spectacle out of some gold plated rings.

While supporters of Doherty's St. Patrick's Day proposal make their presence known, most others have decided to ignore the insane request.

"Who does this guy think he is, Craig T. Nelson?" barked Mayor Thomas Menino, whose following sixteen minutes of dialogue was ruled completely indecipherable by all those who were forced to listen.

John Eire, owner of the Eire Pub on Adams Street, expressed frustration over the request, as well as a general sense of disdain for anyone who supports it.

"It's hard enough to make a living these days," Eire said, as he vigorously polished the frame of a signed Ronald Reagan photograph. "How am I supposed to run a business when I got people like Mark Doherty demanding free beer? In all my years here, this has got to be the most ridiculous thing I have ever witnessed. Back in 1983, President Ronald Reagan came in here for a photo op. It was funny to watch all those liberal Irishmen kissing some big time Republican's ass, but this one takes the cake. If the city approves this guy's request, I'm gonna stick a .45 caliber handgun in my mouth and blow my fucking brains out."

Tired of making the same empty threat every time something didn't go his way, Eire instinctively looked away, alone and defeated.

As of now, Boston has yet to make any official decision on Doherty's request, nor have they acknowledged the demand as being anything other than ridiculous. The deadline remains at noon tomorrow, where it is expected Doherty will be alive and well, although showing slight signs of fatigue.

Read: The Not-So-Dangerous Mark Doherty (Blast Magazine)

Area man deems Red Dog "uncommonly smooth," arrested for public drunkenness

2010-03-15T08:45:00.027-04:00

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of an AT&T Samsung camera phone

An area man was arrested yesterday evening for public drunkenness, after attempting to climb to the top of the Quincy Police radio tower.

As of now, the man's name has yet to be released, although he is rumored to be related to the powerful and influential Del Tufo family of Merrymount, whose political connections in Quincy are surpassed by no other.

Having been caught red-handed, rescue teams were called in to retrieve the man, who blamed Red Dog's tantalizing blend of two barley malts and five varieties of hops for the incident, claiming the first sip of the American-style lager was so uncommonly smooth, he should not be to blame for any of his ensuing actions.

There is no word yet on how many more sips the man consumed, although experts believe this number to be somewhere in the thousands.

"The smoothness of Red Dog is not common," remarked JoJo Dancer, mysterious man of forbidden desire, last in the news after a feud with Revere's Joe Chaos almost devastated the already shaky relationship between the North and South Shore. "While one cannot deny the fact that Red Dog is a premium beverage, I do not believe that this should give anyone a free pass to do whatever they choose, no matter who they may, or may not, be related to."

It was later revealed that Dancer does not participate in the consumption of alcohol, making his words meaningless in a city that does not sleep.

The man will be arraigned today at Quincy District Court, where he is expected to plead "uncommonly smooth" to all charges.

Smoking chimp's novelty wears thin due to bad attitude, house-clearing cabbage farts

2010-03-15T07:02:00.044-04:00

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Willard Wilcox, the lovable smoking chimp who stole the hearts of Quincy residents after rescuing elderly citizen, Ruby Meyer, from a speeding MBTA bus three years ago, has worn out his welcome in the City of Presidents, reports say.

Wilcox, who is known as "The Iron Eagle" to friends, has since developed reputation of being troublesome, snotty, and hard to deal with.

"Willard used to be my go-to guy," spoke Gary Gray, a local shoe repairman and one of the last remaining defenders of the rotary telephone. "He was my wingman, my co-pilot, my best fucking friend. You have no idea how many girls you can get when you have a smoking chimpanzee next to you at all times, it's uncanny. But he's different now, in almost every way possible. He's got this shitty attitude about him that just makes you wanna ring his little neck. And the fact that he's on a diet of strictly cabbage makes for some of the most vile farts I have ever had the displeasure of smelling. They're disgusting."

Wilcox, who resides in a South Quincy bungalow, has not only burned through a large list of friends and loved ones, but is now smoking over two packs of cigarettes a day, developing an unhealthy, and often annoying, case of chronic cough.

Lighting one of his signature Winstons, Wilcox casually flipped off reporters, refusing to make any comment on this article.

"Willard Wilcox is dead to me," remarked DJ Silent Partner, a spicy little pickle from the mean streets of Squantum. "I don't even know him anymore. The last time I saw him, it was like we were never even friends. I looked into his eyes and I saw nothing. And I'm not the only one. His family has written him off, his job at the Adams Cleaners let him go, and both of his roommates have moved out. He's alone in this world, and he has nobody to blame but himself. That monkey is a piece of shit."

Aside from being the Ides of March, today marks the first day that Wilcox will not be invited to the annual Moondog Day celebration on the Squantum peninsula.

"Last year's festivities had to be cut short because of Willard," DJ Silent Partner continued. "The people of Squantum wait all year long for Moondog Day---it's one of our favorite holidays---and that little chimp had to go and ruin it. I can't even begin to describe the smell of four pounds of cabbage after it's been broken down to a gaseous form in the bowels of a primate. After he let a few of those motherfuckers rip, everybody just started to get their shit together and head home. We couldn't stay around him any longer, it was just too brutal, too intense. Keep that shit on the other end of Quincy. At least that's my take on things."

The Quincy Scallion would like to wish Moondog and all of his devoted followers a safe and prosperous 14th annual Moondog Day.

Listen: Moondog and the SQ Revue (MySpace)

Beaten man vows to get appearance back by summer, loses all feeling in right arm

2010-03-12T13:47:00.024-05:00

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Christopher Plastic, an out-of-work dental assistant from Hough's Neck, may be broken, but is far from defeated, his family says.

Plastic, who was beaten within an inch of his life outside of the Hofbrau yesterday evening, shows very little signs of surviving the incident, although promised his friends and family that he would be back in full swing by summer.

"Christopher is a very strong-willed man," said Irene Jefferson, a volunteer worker at Quincy Medical Center, who has been teaching Plastic to breathe on his own again. "But physically, he is very weak, even before the beating. The doctors say that it's only a matter of days, but he seems determined to hold on longer."

Jefferson then applied a small layer of topical ointment to Plastic's right eye, to which he instantly recoiled, letting out an ear-shattering scream that could be heard throughout the entire hospital floor.

According to doctors, Plastic will never regain feeling in his right arm.

He will undergo major operations on his left arm and both of his legs throughout the weekend, although the outcome of these are uncertain at this time.

While doctors show very little hope for Plastic, he remains optimistic, even going as far as to renew his season ticket holder status at Fenway Park.

"If I had to guess, he'll probably die," his mother told reporters. "But the hope inside him will live on. Even with the odds against him, he has yet to give up that hope. He told me this morning that he would take me to the Chantey in Marina Bay for my birthday, which is in August. I know it's probably just bullshit, but, being a Leo, it was good to see that he was still thinking of me."

Controversial investment consultant takes old bag of bones for entire life savings

2010-03-12T06:57:00.017-05:00

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Like many old hens before her, Ruth Payne-Train, a retired widow from Quincy Point, thought she knew a good deal when she saw one.

What she didn't know is that Gerard Pembleton, an amateur investor from the working class section of Hospital Hill, not only didn't have her best interests in mind, but had absolutely no idea what the stock market even was.

As reported, Mrs. Payne-Train was approached by Pembleton, a regular at Sam's Restaurant on School Street, sometime last month, and was convinced to hand over her entire life savings, which, according to her, was somewhere in the thousands.

Having decided to invest everything in Pembleton's "High Risk No Profit" fund, Payne-Train began showing record losses almost immediately.

"I thought that young man was a professional," Payne-Train commented. "I thought he knew what he was doing. And now I'm broke. I can't even afford an early bird special at one of the most fairly-priced breakfast establishments in the city. Somebody out there ought to do something."

Payne-Train then stared deep into the empty bowl she had been provided at her local eatery and began to contemplate her life as a whole. It was at that moment that she realized she had never felt true love.

Payne-Train, who currently resides at a senior citizens center at 1000 Southern Artery, will be forced to move by the end of this month.

"Look, I made a mistake," remarked Pembleton. "A really big one, I know. I feel horrible. Everywhere I go, I hear people talking about the stock market. I see people making it big, creating a little nest egg for themselves. All I know about it is that I want in, and this old bag of bones has a few bucks she can throw my way. What was I supposed to do, say no? She seemed interested, like she might have even known what she was doing. I thought that maybe I could learn from her."

Pembleton then stared deep into the seared edges of his morning rib eye and added, "Who knew what an important lesson I would learn?"

Pembleton, who has a history of murder, will be brought up on charges of impersonating an investment consultant, faulty business practices, larceny, racketeering, and conspiracy to commit financial fraud.

Tons of animals “going crazy” in Wollaston backyard, concerned callers claim

2010-03-11T15:45:00.027-05:00

Article by Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Reports flooded into the Quincy Animal Control’s head office last night, warning of a possibly “massive animal brawl” occurring in the backyard of a Wollaston home.

The first of these calls was received at 9:04pm by call center employee Rhonda Lutty, who described a frantic woman’s voice screaming about a “bunch of animals going nuts in a backyard.”

“I couldn’t quite make out what was going on,” recalled Lutty, a morbidly obese female from the Montclair section of Farrington Street. “The woman said something about animals getting out of control, but then she was drowned out by what sounded like a lion roaring into a megaphone.”

Lutty’s titanium lawn chair then abruptly gave up and collapsed in on itself. She was fired mere moments later on the grounds of being “physically ridiculous.”

As it is a well-known fact that the Quincy Animal Control’s head office doesn’t bother to record their messages, it is scientifically impossible to go back and analyze the call.

Neighbors near the site of the disturbance, which is being kept secret until the commotion dies down, were reluctant to divulge any additional information.

“There was a ton of bats swooping around over there,” said Peanut Buttersworth, as he waved his arms in the general vicinity of everywhere. A senior citizen who spent the better part of last night sleeping on his roof, Buttersworth went on to add, “Although it’s not easy for me to see what’s going on since I wear two pairs of sunglasses at all times, I distinctly heard a kangaroo, an octopus, a prize-winning bulldog, and at least several million ants battling for supremacy.”

Body of Great One Killer victim found in Faxon Park, "not a big deal," authorities claim

2010-03-11T13:20:00.044-05:00

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

A major breakthrough has been made in the case of the Great One Killer, the serial killer who began murdering women in Quincy last summer and is still at large.

Authorities were alerted earlier today, when a group of local shitbags found what appeared to be the body of a young woman, interrupting the lunch break of responding officer, John Steele, who, after making a giant spectacle out of watching his Thanksgiving sandwich get cold, pronounced the victim dead on the scene.

The body was found in Faxon Park, a common dumping grounds for murder.

"This is not a big deal," Steele remarked. "What is a major deal is that I just wasted six bucks on a freezing cold sandwich."

Steele then casually tossed his sandwich into the air and fired six rounds into it, creating an explosive mess of cranberry sauce, mayonnaise, homemade stuffing, whole wheat bread, and oven roasted turkey breast.

But not all was lost with this discovery, as a mysterious cell phone photograph was found on a phone just next to the brutalized body of the victim, who, according to eyewitnesses, was "definitely a prostitute."

"As with all the other murders, a Dunkin' Donuts Great One cup was found within the general vicinity of the body," explained Officer Nico Haylen, who has been working as lead detective on the case since last July. "What was different about this time is that the victim still had her cell phone on her, which is unlike any of the prior dumping spots we have seen. After recharging the minutes on the victim's Boost Mobile---which I had to do using personal funds, I might add---we found a multimedia text message from a blocked number, asking the victim to meet her in a small passageway behind the Village Driving School in Wollaston."

The mysterious photograph, which shows a black pentagram tattoo on a man's back.

"The important thing here is that it appears to be only prostitutes," Haylen continued. "The respectable men and women of Quincy are safe for now, which is why we have not pursued this case to the degree one might have expected. What worries us is that there is a fine line between a prostitute and a common whore, especially at night. We are asking all sluts and whores in this city to please refrain from wearing provocative clothing, at least for now. It's not even summer yet. This really shouldn't be a huge deal. But, like everything else in my life, I'm sure it'll become one. How do you stay safe in this city? Try to not suck any dicks for OxyContin, for starters. That'd be a pretty safe bet. Other than that, just watch your back. If you see someone lurking in the shadows, just play it cool. You know our number."

Authorities have asked anyone with information as to who the man in the above photograph is to please call the all-new Great One Killer tip line at 617-GR8-1KIL, which will be up and running sometime within the next two weeks, after Officer Nico Haylen returns from his annual vacation in Barbados.

Arrival of New York rockstar has less than favorable results, disastrous consequences

2010-03-11T07:27:00.045-05:00

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

International rock sensation, Rick Ta Life, found himself in yet another sticky situation, when a merchandise table mishap turned into an all-night hostage situation at an independent all-boys boarding school in Squantum.

Life, who is currently the frontman of New York Hardcore bands, Comin' Correct and 25 Ta Life, is best known for the hit song, "Wise to Da Game," as well as the epic modern rock anthem, "Keepin' it Real."

To date, Life is the only rock artist to ever receive a multi-platinum status from the RIAA for a homemade demo cassette.

The incident occurred when Rick Ta Life showed up at the all-boys school, in an attempt to make sure that each student was "staying true to the scene."

Being unsure as to what scene he was referring to, Life immediately began selling the students a shitload of his personal merchandise collection, ranging from t-shirts, records, demo tapes, and a limited edition goose down Maximum Penalty comforter, which is estimated at a value of approximately three dollars.

"That was the moment everything changed," said one student, whose parents asked this his name not be mentioned in this article. "Nobody wanted to hand over three dollars for a goose down comforter with some band that they've never even heard, and Rick just couldn't accept that. He kept screaming gibberish, it was hard to understand. He escorted every student to the cafeteria and placed the entire school on lockdown. After that, the authorities were called with his list of demands. But they had no idea what he was saying. Like I said, it was absolute gibberish. No matter what, though, he remained true to his roots the entire time. That much was sure. Pride, unity, brotherhood, respect; these were the values that Rick kept with him, no matter how out of control the situation became. After a while, it became the only thing we could actually count on for sure."

It was later revealed that Rick Ta Life, at one point, rode a horse.

A photograph taken on that fateful day when Rick Ta Life rode a horse.

"Blah! Gugh! Nyah! Nyah!" Life told authorities, in what became one of the most confusing conversations since the infamous 5-way conference call between Bob Dylan, Tom Petty, Mark Knopfler, Richard Butler, and David Gray.

Sneaking off unnoticed, a ragtag group of rebellious and mischievous boys formed a pack, determined to defeat Life once and for all.

Somehow, after conveniently becoming equipped with several semi-automatic weapons, the group of young rebels were able to overthrow their captor, proving that they, too, were wise to the game.

Upon receiving confirmation that their safety was now guaranteed, authorities rushed into the school, firing bean bag guns at anyone who stood in their way.

"It was one of our better raids," confirmed Officer Nico Haylen. "Anybody within my range got at least one bean bag to the face. It was a dream come true. And nobody except us was armed. That was the great thing about it. There's something so exhilarating about rushing into a building and knowing that the only one who's going to get hurt is everyone but you. I must have hit Rick Ta Life in the crotch about sixteen times. That guy's gonna be keepin' it real with an ice pack on his nuts. You think he makes weird noises on his albums, you should have heard this shit. He sounded like a Chinese family in a fucking garbage disposal. Good times."

Rick Ta Life will be arraigned tomorrow morning at Quincy District Court, where he will face Judge Jack Kelly on charges of kidnapping, terrorism, and general tomfoolery. He is expected to plead "@#$%" to all charges.

Recent scientific study shows mayor still fat

2010-03-10T13:37:00.027-05:00

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

A recent study conducted by experts shows the excess baggage wrapped around Mayor Thomas Koch's body is going nowhere fast.

The study, which entailed a dozen scientists looking directly at the mayor's face for as long as they could, took approximately thirty-five seconds, and ended with all twelve participants resigning from any future dealings with the city.

As for what these recent findings mean for our city, no one can be sure.

"There was nothing scientific about this study," complained Dr. Juan "Bleeding Gums" Fernando. "All I did was look at some dude and confirm that he was fat. It really wasn't that hard. And the fact that his dress shirt was custom-made from an old Papa Gino's tablecloth didn't help. If I didn't know any better, I'd say that the blazer he was wearing was made out of potato skins from Grumpy White's, but, I would hope that's not true. That would just be too bizarre."

Dr. Fernando later confirmed that the word "too" should, in fact, be italicized.

"Look, I'm not trying to tell the people of Quincy how to vote," Dr. Fernando added. "But maybe a guy whose cologne is just watered-down marinara sauce spliced with a dash of catsup isn't the right man to be running an entire city. Especially one with a $226 million dollar budget. I mean, just look at the guy. He's about as tall as my 6-year-old daughter, he's built like a Chevy Astro van, and, to be quite frank, he looks like he has the sexual integrity of Ed Gein."

While several residents spoke in favor of the mayor, most others did not, some of the more pathetic ones going as far as to make fun of him on their blogs.

"Mayor Koch is a disgrace to this beautiful city," remarked Dino Bland, a wealthy investor from an undisclosed section of Quincy. "Men hate him because he nags like a woman. And women hate him because they are repulsed by his small shoe size. No matter how hard he tries, the man just can't seem to catch a break, yet still he leads. Like the plump, little boy-king he is, he looks down upon us, sitting in his snake-skin high-chair, judging us like the politicians of old. Empty your pockets, Quincy. The boy-king is hungry. Oh yes, he is very hungry, indeed."

To learn more about Dr. Juan Fernando, please visit the World Wide Web.

Google Maps incident causes citywide panic

2010-03-10T07:11:00.050-05:00

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

An incident on Google Maps has caused panic in the streets of Quincy, resulting in multiple injuries and at least three deaths.

The incident began when area man, Raddo Slawbowski, noticed that his father could be spotted doing yard work in a Google Maps screenshot of his house.

As with almost anything else in this city, the discovery of this incident led to an immediate citywide panic, eventually peaking with an explosive military attack on a remote research center in Marina Bay, which experts believe was mistaken to be Google's North American headquarters.

“It’s just too much!” screamed Slawbowski. “All I tried to do was get Google Maps directions from the UMass Amherst campus to my own house. This is what happens, technology has turned our innermost fears into reality.”

Clawing his face into bloody ribbons with his bare hands, Slawbowski gurgled a final prayer to the pagan god of wind and cursed the internet into a hellish damnation. Immediately regaining his composure, he was heard to remark, "Ah fuck, who cares,” before casually dialing Yellow Cab for a ride to Quincy Medical Center.

"Life in Quincy is different since the Google Maps Incident," remarked Allston-renowned scientist, Matty Hammers. "Before the Google Maps Incident, the people of Quincy were at peace. They felt free to sunbathe on their lawns. When they wanted to make a drug deal, they just went ahead and did it, without a care in the world. And if they wanted to sit on their front stoop and drink warm beers with nothing but a bathrobe on, that's exactly what they did. But now, after the Google Maps Incident, people know that there is an eye in the sky. Now, they have to act differently. They have to act civilized. And that's not what these people want."

Hammers was last in the news after a fistfight with NewsRadio's Maura Tierney nearly cost him his seat on the Allston Scientist Council.

The Google Maps Incident, where Slawbowski's father can be spotted doing yard work.

"People went nuts," remarked Officer Nico Haylen, who declined to comment any further. "And that's all I can really say about that."

Haylen then stared directly into the eyes of a passing businesswoman, startling her into placing an absolutely impenetrable restraining order on him.

Haylen will face Judge Beverly Reinhold tomorrow in Quincy District Court, where he is expected to plead insanity to a series of charges, each of them stemming from his foolish behavior, horrendous work ethic, and overall lack of common decency.

"If anything, we should learn from this incident," added Hammers, as he applied his signature wax seal to a handwritten apology letter to the Tierney family. "The people of Quincy have shown that they are unable to cope with even the slightest change without resorting to rioting and mayhem. Just because one man's father can be seen doing yard work on a Google Maps screenshot, doesn't mean that we no longer have privacy. With the facts I have been presented, this appears to be nothing more than an isolated incident. But the important thing is that we remain calm. We don't want another Michael Douglas Incident on our hands. Look what happened there. Some guy just happened to pause Basic Instinct at an awkward time and ended up becoming so entranced by Michael Douglas' faith-shattering gaze, that he just loaded up his entire gun collection and started taking people out. I know how it sounds, but it happens all the time. If you don't believe me, Google it."

The Michael Douglas Incident, which led to over thirty deaths in Adams Shore.

While roaming bands of vigilantes were still being sought out by authorities, Mayor Koch’s office issued a public statement advising all computer-illiterate citizens to refrain from having their neighbors print out a copy of the controversial photograph.

Larf Chemoholic, the city's official spokesman on Google images and compulsive user of the “play now” button available on internet jukeboxes, expressed dismay at the incident, but offered advice to those who are still suffering from it’s horrifying mental image.

“Just stay calm,” stuttered Chemoholic, as he spilled half of his boiling hot cinnamon hazelnut coffee onto the bare legs of his secretary. “If there’s one thing I can assure you people, it’s that a still shot of a man wearing cut-off jean shorts doing some yard work is nothing to riot over. Stop killing each other.”

A previous press photo of Chemoholic, which was deemed inappropriate for minors.

Nervously staring up at the sky, his face obscured by shadow, as an ominously approaching asteroid loomed toward Earth, Chemoholic uttered a final comment before fleeing in a bulletproof 1996 Ford Taurus.

“This picture is the least of our problems now…”

Thousands apply for mediocre jobs at Quincy's new BJ's Wholesale Club

2010-03-09T07:47:00.020-05:00

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

Thousands of applicants gave it their best shot during a tremendous job fair held for those interested in working at Quincy's new BJ's Wholesale Club.

The new store, which is set to open this spring, will create 160 new jobs.

BJ's Wholesale Club, the Natick-based wholesale shopping conglomerate, known for it's uncanny ability to almost never overcharge for products, has been a staple of Corporate America for quite some time now.

"It was a very healthy turnout," remarked company spokesman Joe Fruitopia.

Fruitopia, who is the co-founder of the since-defunct eponymous beverage line, was the personal inventor of the Beachside Blast flavor, a fan favorite amongst those who like to take it easy and cool off in a scenic coastal community.

Joe Fruitopia, in a 1997 press shot that was inevitably scrapped due to poor reviews.

"It was the kind of range we were anticipating," Fruitopia added, as he casually soothed his inner workings with a tall glass of Pepto Bismal. "People love bargains. And when they hear that bargains are coming to their town, they want in. I've seen this all before, far too many times. It's amazing how much a failing economy can effect how much one is willing to work an entry-level job. I don't think I'll ever get passed that. People are so desperate in times of need."

Stepping back to light a freshly-rolled Cuban cigar with a fistful of hundreds, Fruitopia then faded backwards into the darkness behind him. And as the darkness consumed him, the sound of a child's laughter could be heard, which, after a brief moment, turned into a soul-crushing, blood-curdling scream.

The all-new 85,000-square-foot store will be located on Crown Colony Drive, and is said to be on track to open this April.

Ed Hardy douchebags spotted at Quincy's Club 58

2010-03-08T16:39:00.008-05:00

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Two Ed Hardy douchebags were spotted at Quincy's Club 58 on Saturday night, causing many residents to wonder what the fuck is next.

Ed Hardy, the Southern California tattoo artist, who is known for his subpar blend of standard flash art and overly obnoxious color schemes, has long since been the subject of public ridicule, even amongst residents of the Granite City.

Having received a "no wear" rule in late-2007, the Ed Hardy clothing has been banned ever since, although many of those who shop at stores, such as Marshalls and TJ Maxx have attempted to bypass this.

"I don't get it," claimed Salton Pepper, a self-proclaimed "expert on clothing lines, tattoos, and social trends," last in the news after causing a 52-car pile-up in Squantum. "I just don't get it. This is absolutely one of the worst clothing lines I have ever seen. And the tattoos aren't even that great. I'm gonna go ahead and say that this is nothing more than another social trend."

While many residents demanded the immediate deportation of the two men, others were unsure of what that entailed.

"I don't even know what deportation means," claimed Ricky McAlvin, a known creep from Montclair, who frequents the establishment to date rape the same three girls every weekend. "I'll tell you what we should do, though: we should take those two dickheads and escort 'em to the Quincy border, and never let 'em back in. That's what we should fuckin' do."

There is no word yet on where, exactly, McAlvin would like to have the two men deported to, although the most likely candidate is Weymouth.

Authorities have asked all Quincy residents to please refrain from attempting to commit any form of street justice against those in Ed Hardy clothing. They have, however, stated that, while it may be impossible to avoid these people at all times, it is best to stay clear of Ford Broncos and Jeep Wranglers that are blasting Social Distortion's "Story of My Life" at an ear-splitting volume.

Quincy Aquarium does very little to impress locals, celebrates record-breaking gift shop sales

2010-03-08T08:41:00.042-05:00

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

The all-new Quincy Aquarium opened this weekend to lackluster reviews from both critics and residents alike, paving way for what appears to be yet another failed enterprise for the already deteriorating Quincy Center.

The Quincy Aquarium is awkwardly located in the middle of Gay Street, a small side street, known only for it's hilarious name.

"That aquarium was nothing short of despicable," remarked Furnie Brook, owner of an undisclosed parkway in the heart of Quincy. "First of all, none of the marine life was even real. They were just carved wooden figures with paint on them. I'll admit, the craftsmanship was outstanding. But I wasn't looking for art, I was looking to shut three kids up for a couple of hours so I could text my secretary about the horrendous shit I was gonna do to her ass. Now, I have to explain to three toddlers why penguins and seals never move. Fuck my life."

While most residents agreed with Brook's assessment of the aquarium, others were more optimistic, some of them even ecstatic.

"I wouldn't say I'm ecstatic about it," claimed Calvin Steadfast, a smooth operator from the seductively enticing side of West Quincy. "But it was funny to find out that Quincy has a Gay Street. I never knew that before."

Photographic evidence that Quincy has a Gay Street, which is located just off of School Street.

"Who cares if the animals aren't real?" asked Dean Kablenko. "They're still amazing to watch. Just because something doesn't move, doesn't make it any less fun. It's pretty much the same opinion I have about sex."

Kablenko then paused for a moment as he received a text message from his wife, who had been watching his interview live on Quincy Access Television. And as the look on his face changed from a general sense of comfort to a mind-bending state of panic, it could only be assumed that he, like many others before him, would be spending the next few nights on the couch.

Answering to complaints from Boston that the City of Presidents had been "biting (their) style," top officials at Quincy City Hall replied that this was, in no way, anything new, as it had been going on for well over a week.

Just last month, Faneuil Hall's Quincy Market had been relocated to Hough's Neck.

A young lady in the newly-relocated Quincy Market, cheating on her husband with Red Auerbach.

"To say that Quincy is attempting to copy Boston is a ludicrous statement," spoke mayoral aide Joe Schlopp. "We are merely staking claim to things that should have been ours to begin with. An aquarium is much better suited for our area. Our Gay Street location is far more convenient than Boston's. As far as anybody knows, the Blue Line doesn't even exist. But with our location, there are so many bus routes that pass through the area. Or, if the weather is nice, you can walk through scenic Quincy Center and spend the day drinking in Irish pubs, getting your nails done by the Vietnamese, and wasting your hard-earned money on worthless trinkets in one of our many dollar stores. As for the Quincy Market incident, I think that is an obvious one. That belonged to us from the very beginning. You don't see us running around opening up places called Boston Market, do you?"

It was later revealed that Quincy does, in fact, have a Boston Market.

After only an hour of being open, most of those at the Quincy Aquarium had given up any hope of being entertained, causing many to become confused and purchase as much as possible from the aquarium's insanely overstocked gift shop.

One lady, in particular, was said to have purchased so many items that a specialty store from the Monponsett section of Hanson was flown in by personal helicopter to custom-build a suitcase so that she could carry them all home.

"The aquarium did not have much to offer," admitted Edna Turnip, 98, of North Quincy. "But the gift shop had such an extensive collection of clothing and figurines. I found myself unable to resist the compelling deals and bargains.

Turnip, who is no stranger to diving head-first into wild situations, then walked nearly three miles to her home, where she immediately collapsed dead from a series of presumably pre-existing medical conditions, all while Scallion photographers took pictures and heckled her through a megaphone.

Edna Turnip, who carried over 300lbs. of crap from School St. to Hollis Ave.

Until further notification, the Quincy Aquarium is scheduled to remain open seven days a week, 24 hours a day. It should be noted, however, that scientific experts have predicted that the building, itself, will only last six more days, where it is then expected to literally explode due to the obvious lack of structural integrity, flooding South Quincy and almost all of it's inhabitants.

King Latifah finds himself in heapload of trouble

2010-02-26T15:16:00.021-05:00

Article by Brunk Edwards and Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

King Latifah, who, contrary to public opinion, is in no way related to Wil Wheaton, found himself in all kinds of hot water yesterday, as his routine lunch order caused a commotion in the Brigham's restaurant in Wollaston.

Latifah, a local man-about-town, descended upon Brigham’s at approximately 1:00pm, with the single-mindedness of a spider hunting whatever it is a spider might hunt: possibly a fly, or maybe something else.

Upon entering the establishment, he farted loudly, startling elderly customer, Alf Nelson, into a near-fatal heart attack. Nelson, 98, of Willow Road, was then brought via golf cart to the Hancock Cemetery, where his still-living body was dumped crudely into a freshly dug grave.

"One meatball salad," Latifah ordered, according to three eyewitness accounts.

Upon hearing this order, assistant manager Speed Bruckman decided to get involved, partially due to the fact that he had recently made a promise to himself to refine his overbearingly subpar managerial skills, but mostly because he was the only employee working at the time.

"I had no idea what this so-called King Latifah was talking about," Bruckman claimed, as he made no effort to hide the fact that he was soothing an exposed boil with a medicated towelette. "I told him that I had never heard of a meatball salad, and demanded that he explain himself. He looked me cold dead in the eye for about six minutes and then finally explained to me that it was just like a regular salad, but, instead of the lettuce, it was meatballs. There was nothing left to do. Without saying a word, I just turned around and ran. And I never looked back."

It was later revealed that Bruckman did, in fact, look back several times.

Upon further examination of security footage, Latifah can be seen pacing nervously around in circles before using a series of dramatic hand gestures to signify his hunger for a meatball salad.

Tensions escalated to a frightening level, when, after several hours of being denied the alleged food combination, Latifah was informed by way of cellular phone that he was fired from his job at the Smoke Shop for failing to return from lunch.

Sitting calmly at a booth to collect his thoughts, King Latifah was reported to have drifted into a state of mental retardation as the sounds of The J. Geils Band’s “Centerfold” blared at an ear-shattering volume from the restaurant's newly installed Bose stereo system.

Latifah is rumored to still be at Brigham’s, demanding with a now-hoarse voice to talk to whomever is in charge, and reputedly very upset at the lack of meatball salads being served to him.

“It’s just a Goddamn salad!” he was overheard screaming, as he flailed his arms about the establishment. “Except, instead of lettuce...meatballs!”

Author's Note: It was brought to the attention of me and Brunk Edwards that The Onion has already used the name King Latifah. This is Jimmy Flynn's fault.

Emo kid declared "too ridiculous looking" for most residents to bear, escorted to South Station

2010-02-26T07:49:00.028-05:00

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

John Ferndale, a South Quincy resident who was deemed "too ridiculous looking" for residents to bear, was escorted out of Quincy yesterday afternoon and left at South Station with twenty dollars to start over and find a new life somewhere else.

Ferndale, who is known as "Johnny Sadheart" to his friends, has long since had a reputation of being a downer to all those who come into contact with him.

"I can't allow a kid to walk around looking like that," said Matty Southside, a devoted protector of the South Quincy community. "Don't get me wrong, I understand the concept of freethinking. I honestly do. But you don’t need to walk around, day after day, thinking so freely with every single thought you have. Just live your life and keep an open mind, that’s all. You don’t have to be wicked annoying about it."

Alerting authorities to the growing problem of Ferndale's attire, residents of South Quincy closed their doors and prepared for the worst.

"I got a call just after my lunch break about some kid walking around with mismatched sneakers," said Officer Nico Haylen. "I can handle a lot of shit---in my profession, you have no choice---but that's where I draw the line. This kid might not have been breaking any laws, but he was certainly breaking my personal code of ethics. I don't care how many AFI albums you have, there's really no reason that a man should ever paint his fingernails. And I don't care how overboard this seems, but, anybody I see who's over the age of eighteen with a tongue piercing is getting shot. I don't give a fuck how much paperwork I have to fill out."

Haylen then casually took thirty-seven steps backwards and began an interpretive dance number to absolutely no music.

While most in the area were amazed by his techniques, others pointed out the fact that he almost never does any actual police work.

After being escorted out of Quincy by way of a mid-nineties Toyota Corolla, Ferndale was given twenty dollars to start a new life with, although it is expected that he will put the money aside for the upcoming My Chemical Romance CD.

"What a disgusting way to be," Southside added. "That kid should be ashamed of himself. No wonder why these people cut themselves."

Faneuil Hall's Quincy Market relocated to Hough's Neck, Craigslist Killer among leading suspects

2010-02-25T07:50:00.035-05:00

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

Quincy Market, the historic building near Faneuil Hall in Downtown Boston, was relocated to the Hough's Neck section of Quincy last night.

While Faneuil Hall has yet to make any official comment on the matter, it remains an excellent location for suburban whores and douchebags to waste their entire paychecks doing the exact same thing they could have done in their own town, all while unnecessarily dressing up, as if there is actually something classy about assimilating yourself into a lifestyle of shitty music, unwarranted cover charges, overpriced mixed drinks, and inevitable date rape.

Authorities discovered this unexpected occurrence when they received an anonymous tip that an out-of-place building had been spotted on Labrecque Field.

"As soon as I saw that building, I knew it didn't belong there," said Rodney Jefferson, the Hough's Neck resident who placed the anonymous call. "I've always had a very keen eye for detail. I tend to notice things that others might miss."

Hough’s Neck Neighborhood Watch founder, Ernie Spindoctor, alerted several members of the community to the building after Mr. Jefferson’s observation.

“Nothing gets by Rodney," Spindoctor said. "He was right on the ball this time. I know for a damn fact that building did not occupy that space yesterday. I spent the better part of my lunch hour flying a model airplane around in that field. How could I have done that if Faneuil Hall was there?”

Calmly chewing an entire pack of Wrigley’s brand gum, wrappers and all, Spindoctor fumbled for the right way to address the situation.

“The fact is, I couldn’t," he added. "You see, I don’t know if you know this, but model airplanes don’t lie. They cannot fly through buildings, historical or not. They are the ultimate test of what is real on this Earth. You think I enjoy skipping lunch and flying those damn things? Not for one minute. I do it to prove a point.”

As to what point Mr. Spindoctor was trying to prove, it remains unclear.

Acting on a hunch, Quincy Police interrogated Philip "The Craigslist Killer" Markoff, who, according to reports, claimed to be in prison at the time of the relocation, making it virtually impossible for him to be involved.

"It's all pretty convenient," said Officer Nico Haylen, Quincy Police Department's 37th best looking employee, not including mechanics, part-time volunteers, or custodians. "A little too convenient, if you ask me."

The Craigslist Killer, who denied any involvement in this crime.

Although common sense tells us that Markoff could not have been responsible for the relocation of Quincy Market, many residents still believe that he is.

"Ever since that kid came to Quincy, it's been fucking chaos," claimed Sally Cider, a spicy little biscuit from Adams Shore. "We don't need people like the Craigslist Killer in our city. Before he came here, this city was beautiful. We oughta stick that kid in one of those piece of shit towns off of Route 24, like Taunton or Bridgewater. That'd be a good punishment. Let's see how long he can handle living among those toothless bastards with their 1985 IROC-Z Camaros and those ladies with acid washed jeans, hi-top Reeboks, and unflicked cigarettes. If you ask me, that's a fine punishment."

At this time, there is still absolutely no evidence of Markoff's involvement.

When reached for comment, Zander Bellacherbo, an 89-year-old nursing home resident with very little knowledge of the incident, would only cryptically add that he had "very little knowledge of the incident.”

While Philip Markoff awaits further interrogation as to his alleged involvement in the Quincy Market switcheroo, many wonder what could possibly happen next.

Speculation abounds on the subject, with wild theories circumventing the area that this is just the beginning of famous landmarks appearing in Hough’s Neck.

Odds-makers, operating illegally out of resident Larry “Chin Music” Hyland’s basement, say the leading bet is a 2-to-1 shot of the Notre Dame Cathedral appearing somewhere on Sea Street before the end of April. If the stunning example of French architecture is found on the even-numbered side of the street, the payout will be quite handsome, indeed.

Last man on Earth comes to horrifying realization

2010-02-22T15:49:00.042-05:00

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

Tim Johnbone, self proclaimed "last man on Earth," discovered the terrifying truth of things after spending the better part of last Saturday wandering the streets of Quincy in a desperate attempt to survive the end of days.

Johnbone, a travel agent from North Quincy, with a $20-a-year rice pudding habit, awoke at 2:00pm to find that his house, and then, upon further inspection, entire neighborhood, had been deserted.

Being no stranger to bizarre occurrences, Johnbone immediately came to the realization that he was the sole survivor in a post-apocalyptic world.

After inspecting both Merrymount Park and the Marine Corps League Post, Johnbone felt that his suspicions had been confirmed, causing him to head north and search throughout the capital city, where he expected to find more of the same.

"I have stared into the eyes of isolation," Johnbone stated on his Twitter account. "I have been put on a path that leads to a desolate demise, but I have accepted this without a second thought or hesitation. I have looked deep into the abyss. I have searched high and low for signs---any sign---that humanity continues on, but I have found none. I have come to the cold and dark conclusion that I am alone in this world. Forgive me, God, for I have indulged myself with more of life than was given to any other man. And I shall suffer here for as long as you see fit, alone and cursed to damnation. And I shall do so without question, as I know that it is your will."

A photograph of Merrymount Park, which was taken by Johnbone on that fateful day.

"It was definitely very strange that nobody was out that day," admitted local sports fan Vern Green. "You don't really see that too often, I'll give him that. As to why this Johnbone kid would come to the conclusion that he was the last person on Earth, though, I have no idea. Maybe he's overly-dramatic, who knows? Maybe he's just not too bright. Honestly, I can't really say. I don't personally know the guy."

It was later revealed that almost all residents of the Greater Boston area were merely watching two homeless men fight behind Sozio Furniture in Neponset Circle, where Father Bill's Place regulars, John "Heroin Dude" Tucker and Tito "The Fake Indian" Guadalupe, fought an epic, drunken mixed martial arts battle.

Quincy girl found dead seven days after using cursed white lighter, still no word from Bic

2010-02-22T08:06:00.037-05:00

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

A Quincy girl was found dead in her Atlantic Street home yesterday evening, just seven days after using a cursed white Bic lighter.

Alison Loadman, 16, was found by her mother while in the middle of an Adderall-induced cleaning spell, and was said to have displayed severe signs of trauma.

Loadman, who was just cast in the lead role of North Side Story, a North Quincy High School play based on the recent shooting on Hunt Street, will be remembered by many in her school as being "really nice," and will be mourned for quite some time.

As reported by friends, Loadman had used a white Bic lighter only seven days prior to her death, and had begun to experience strange occurrences ever since.

"She was always really nice to me," claimed Gerthy Wonderspoon, an unfortunately named sophomore at Loadman's school. "But she seemed really out of sorts this past week. It was as if she knew something bad was going to happen."

Arriving on the scene a mere three hours late, police pronounced Loadman dead immediately, where she was then taken to the Lydon Funeral Home in Wollaston to be burned, as her body was declared "too disturbing" to look at.

Although foul play cannot be denied, authorities have stated that no arrests are expected to be made, as cases involving white Bic lighters are usually "far too complex" to handle, often times ending with almost everyone confused.

Alison Loadman's parents asked that this photograph not be used in today's article.

"She knew that death was coming for her," Wonderspoon cryptically added. "After she used that white Bic, things started to change. She started seeing things. Bad things. The kind of things that make you hide in the closet, only to be found later that night, all twisted and disfigured, with your eyes bulging out of the sockets like you just got squished in a vice."

Since the beginning of time, the "Curse of the White Bic" has plagued the minds of Quincy residents, causing some of them to lose their sanity altogether.

But these mythical stories of cursed Bic lighters are not the only pieces of folklore in the City of Presidents, as many other tales of spells and hexes have long since built up a backstory of occult happenings and mysterious incidents.

One of the more predominant legends in the area is the "Curse of the Black Family in Squantum," which, as legend states, involves a string of bad luck whenever there is more than one black resident at a time in that particular area of Quincy.

This, of course, has only come into effect one time, when the Carters, a black family from North Philadelphia, moved to the Squantum peninsula in 1976, causing the New England Patriots to lose the playoffs that year to the Oakland Raiders.

Darnell, Eunice, and Shé-Rhonda "Pooh Bear" Carter, before being run out of Squantum.

"It was only the second time the Patriots had ever made it that far," explained Bob Billingsworth, a wiry individual from Hospital Hill. "And we lost it all because of that one black family. I don't know how many times we have to go over this, a black family cannot live in Squantum. It upsets the balance of things. It causes hysteria. It's just not the way things go around here. It angers the gods."

It remains unclear at this time as to what gods Billingsworth was referring to.

Having been forced out of Squantum with pitchforks and torches, the Carters were said to have started a new life in the melting pot of West Quincy, where breadwinner Darnell Carter was eventually hired as a shop foreman at South Shore Bearing, only to be murdered during a routine mugging only a week later outside the Donut King on Copeland Avenue.

On the peninsula, the Carters were replaced almost immediately by the Hearn family, whose middle son, Jacia, wasted no time introducing the small, tighty-knit community to the Clash, changing the face of Squantum forever.

So far, the Bic Corporation has made no attempt to comment on this story.

Each day, hundreds of Bic lighters are purchased in the city of Quincy, a large percent of them being white. It is estimated that at least seventy-five percent of these are, at one point, used within the city limits. Unfortunately, there is no way to determine exactly how many deaths have been caused by these lighters, although experts assume this number to be in the double digits.