Article by Brunk Edwards and Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web
An unfortunate error in a city document has resulted in eighty jars of the deadly AIDS virus to be shipped to the ravaged island of Haiti.
Joe Schlopp, former assistant to the mayor’s assistant, and now former editor of the city of Quincy’s Volunteer Pamphlet, has issued an apology for the mistake, which he blames on a complete lack of doing his job.
“Got a little sidetracked there, didn’t I?” responded Schlopp. “I was just kickin’ it at my office, getting into some serious Gmail chat conversations, when I realized that the Volunteer Pamphlet was due. I know, I’m supposed to proofread that thing, but, let’s face it, it’s fucking boring as shit.”
Schlopp then leaned back further in his 1997 pleather desk chair and added, “It’s all politics these days, isn’t it?”
AIDS, which was made popular after Freddie Mercury's predictable death in 1991, has long since been a fan favorite among the more talked-about diseases.
"This is a monumental mistake," remarked Catherine Butterspoon, a concerned citizen, who just so happens to own 51% of Tropical Airways, Haiti's cleanest and most trustworthy airline. "Even for a city like Quincy, this looks bad. There's no way to pawn this one off on someone else. If there was, Schlopp and the rest of those City Hall hacks would have already tried. A lot of innocent people are going down because of this. I really hope people learn their lesson this time."
To make up for the mistake, businesses from all over the city have banded together.
After carefully studying a flyer pleading for “More Help for Haiti," Gerald Ultraround, owner of The Smoke Shop in Wollaston, decided to donate two cartoons of Camel Light cigarettes and seven packages of Red Man® chewing tobacco.
Due to popular demand, the Cathay Pacific restaurant recalled it’s shipment of subpar crab rangoons and pork fried rice.
Andre, owner of Andre’s Market in Wollaston, opened his heart and donated five scratch tickets with a possible value of over ten million dollars.
“What can I say?” marveled Andre at his own generosity. "I immediately wrote it off for taxes. That’s right, that's ten million in taxes that I’m getting back. Plus, those tickets are only refundable in Massachusetts, so, even if someone wins, they have to come up here to cash it in. I know that I was responsible for donating 79 of the 80 jars of AIDS, but I’ve got plenty to go around. I’ve had that shit for years, no biggie.”
Finally, a ragtag bunch of Quincy residents have banded together at local tycoon Hannibal LeMarsupial’s home recording studio to sing a benefit song with all proceeds going to a Best Buy gift card for Haiti.
Hannibal LeMarsupial, talking shit to a fellow business partner during a quick recording break.
Dubbing themselves “AC/QUINCY," the supergroup, consisting of homeless derelicts, 21-year-old rapists, crooked cops, drug-addicted thieves, and soccer moms, spent the better part of last night rewriting lyrics for AC/DC’s “You Shook Me All Night Long” and dedicating it to the earthquake victims.
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